My children have got the crazy-making thing down. I mean, they are professionals. Little ornery agents of chaos, stalking me everywhere I go. (Seriously. Everywhere.)
I have compiled a list of some of the random shit my children have come up with in their never-ending quest to watch me unravel.
1. Refusing to wear coats. This may not sound serious, but when it is 16 degrees outside and you can barely get your kid to wear shoes, you’ve got a problem. And you might think this is no big deal, but it is a big deal when you know it is not actually a dislike of outerwear, but probably a plot designed to get Child Services called. They are sneaky, I’m telling you.
2. Calling me “Mommom.” They never just say “Mom.” It’s always “Mom. mom. mom. mom. momomomomommomom.” I believe this is to keep me off balance, always looking over my shoulder for additional mothers.
3. Throwing my own words back at me. For instance: After taking a healthy dump off the front porch, my then 5-year-old looked at me with a straight face and said, “What? You told me to go outside if it was an emergency.”
4. Drawing pictures of me at school. I don’t mind the flattering ones, but seriously? This?
The journal entry for this said, “I ate too much candy and my mom got mad at me. She got so mad at me, her head almost exploded.”
5. They do not show an appropriate amount any appreciation of my dancing, singing, or joke telling skills. In fact, they claim unbelievable things like I am “lame” or “not funny.” Pssh.
6. They are always pointing out my mistakes, like when I put the milk in the cabinet or the toothpaste in a lunch box. And then they tell other people. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas; the same should apply here, only with less drugs and strippers.
7. They are always wanting food. ALL the time. Like, every day. I think they all have tapeworms.
8. They FaceTime or Skype with people without telling me, so random teenagers see me in my pajamas talking to the cat.
9. Goading me into playing video games and then mocking my mad skills when my guy is always the one stuck in a corner or aiming at the sky.
10. Telling their friends that I’m not helpful with studying because I always laugh at answers like “Titicaca.” (That shit is funny. Don’t tell me it’s not.)
I could go on and on, but I’m exhausted from trying to stay a step ahead of the little gremlins, so I’m out. Don’t worry, I learned long ago to sleep with one eye open.