It’s not even noon and I’ve been covered in a small human’s urine twice already.
This is motherhood, people. Think on it.
I’ve got to go clean up after my cat, who has apparently decided that her litter box may only be used one time before she has to go in the floor to teach me a lesson.
If Cleanliness is next to Godliness, then I am currently living in the Devil’s asshole.
It turns out that the number of humans I am capable of keeping in some semblance of order is four. That’s unfortunate, because after my three children and my husband, I make five.
This means that while my daughter went to school freshly bathed and brushed and wearing matching clothes, I worked in my pjs until about 15 minutes before I had to leave the house.
That was when I realized that although I had showered within the last week, I could not remember the last time I had attempted to brush my hair. Which is long. And thick. And now partially in dreads. Actually, that should be singular. A dread. I have one nappy snarled twisted mess right smack-ass in the middle of my hair.
My husband is now referring to me as Marley. I’m not sure what the next step should be here, other than maybe hiding all his socks. (Oh, wait, I already did that. Ha.)
But seriously, I was under the impression that people cultivated dreadlocks, not that they just appeared if you maybe slacked off on personal hygiene for a few minutes months.
Clearly it is time for a new goal. Actually, goals, while I’m at it.
1. Stop eating so much damn pity pie. Pity pie is NOT your friend.
2. Brush your goddamn hair, you dirty hippie.
3. Fuck it, that’s enough. Those are pretty lofty goals; I’m worn out and a little hungry already.