I Am Not That Mom

I am Not that Mom

I am not that mom who sits on the floor with you playing My Little Pony for hours. I am not the mom who builds entire towns on Minecraft. I have never learned to play Pokémon and I never (ever) will. I am well aware of my failure in this aspect of parenting.

I am thankful for my husband, who excels in watching cartoons and playing video games. I smile when I see him and the kids tossing a football in the yard. (In the yard. No Throwing Balls in the House. Jesus.) I laugh when they wrestle and tickle and play, play, play.

I’m just not that mom.

I was the young soon-to-be mom, scared to death but determined, so determined, to bring you into this world and love you like no other. I was the single mother of two who worked long hours and still held dance parties with just my two boys where we sang at the top of our lungs and the laughter rang as loud as the music. Before you were even born, I was the mom eating cherry cheesecake so I could see you dance. (And because cheesecake.)

When I first saw you, I knew that you would hold my heart forever. Two more times I met my new sweet babies, and two more times my heart grew to wrap around all of you. When you were a baby, I was that mom who couldn’t sleep for looking at you. I can still feel you, so tiny, snuggled on my chest. When I see you asleep now, I still picture you curled up in footie pajamas, all wispy hair and dark lashes against perfect skin.

I was that mom who rocked you all night, patting and bouncing and shh, shh, shhing when you cried. I was the mom who panicked over every bump and bruise. I was the mom who kissed boo boos. I was the mom who spent untold hours waiting on casts for broken bones or bandages for cut fingers. (Safety scissors, my ass.) I was the mom whose leg you were firmly wrapped around the day we toured preschools. I was the mom who went to school online in order to work from home because you needed me.

I am the mom who signs notes and checks homework and packs lunches. I’m the mom who makes the doctor’s visits and dentist appointments and parent teacher conferences. I’m the mom who hasn’t worn anything but thrift store clothes for years so that you can go to school wearing clothes that are apparently hand-sewn by the famous athletes of the world.

I’m the mom who makes stupid jokes and sings off-key and acts sillier than I am just to see you smile. I’m the mom who wouldn’t trade those smiles for the entire world.

I’m the mom who loves you so much more than I could ever explain. And the mom who tries so hard to show you that.

But most times I feel like I am also the mom who is failing.

I’m the mom with chronic recurring depression. I’m the mom with generalized anxiety disorder. I’m the mom with PTSD. I’m the mom who has chronic migraines. I’m the mom with chronic pain. I’m the mom who sees more doctors than hairstylists. (Hahahahaha, I don’t even remember the last time I went to a stylist. But you have an appointment tomorrow.)

I am the mom who struggles every single day to accomplish the things that have to be done so that you can have a “normal” life. I am the mom who does your laundry even when I have to sit down to sort it. I’m the mom who makes sure the water bill gets paid so that you can shower. I’m the mom who clips your fingernails and buys you toothpaste and nags you to wear deodorant.

I’m also the mom who forgets things. Not the big stuff, like birthdays or Christmas, although there have been a few notes from the Tooth Fairy instead of cash. But I forget things that you already told me. I forget that when you were playing a video game yesterday, you scored 58 touchdowns and a free throw, and spawned…maybe a chicken? I don’t know. I forget.

But I’m also the mom who can tell in a single glance when you are upset, and who listens to you when you are sad and angry and when you are happy and excited, even if I do tend to forget your ponies’ names and LeBron’s stats and how to catch ’em all.

I’m the mom who wants to slay all your dragons and breathe fire on anyone who dares to hurt you.

I’m also the mom who too often hurts too much to cook dinner. I’m the mom who lets you eat an unhealthy amount of macaroni and pizza rolls. I’m the mom who has piles of clean laundry on the couch because my arms ache so badly I can’t fold it. I’m the mom who gets overwhelmed too easily. I’m the mom who has to hide when things get to be too much. I’m that mom who cries in the bathroom when I’ve let you down.

I’m the mom who stays awake at night worrying about you. I’m the mom who wishes she could save all your hugs and all your “I love you’s” and get them back out on the days when there are no hugs, just slamming doors.

I’m the mom who loves you SO MUCH. You are the children who save my life every day. I’m the mom who is trying to be the parent you deserve, even when I’m not the one you might want.

 

*EDITED TO ADD: I am completely overwhelmed by the response this post has gotten. I love all you guys so much,  and even though everyone keeps saying that I’ve made them feel less alone, the truth is that YOU GUYS have made me feel less alone. Thank you all SO much for every like, comment, share, and kind thought. I’ve been trying to respond to all the comments, but as I guess y’all know, I’m sick a lot. But I have read every single one of them, and each one brings a smile to my face or a tear to my eye and sometimes both. I just wanted everyone to know how much your love and compassion for each other and your “me too” and your stories have affected me.

Love,

Steph

About Steph

I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often. View all posts by Steph

323 responses to “I Am Not That Mom

  • Angela cascio morgan

    I am that mom too. Thank you, I needed this…great read. I am that mom.

  • wendy

    Thank-you for this. It could have been written by me – so close to home and relatable!

  • Melissa

    I can relate to everything in this article!! It is literally a struggle everyday, but it gets done because I want to. Thank you so much for understanding!

  • Antanika

    I really really know this, I don’t care for video games, i don’t like kinetic sand, and no i don’t want to play dollies and ponies…. for Effs sake.
    Awesome, i really loved this 😀

  • Erin Sable

    This is amazing! Made me tear! This was one of those “I was just supposed to read that” “church type moments” I call them. Thank you for that! Thank you for being so brave to put all that out there! I too often make myself believe that it is not ok to be almost exactly this mom… thank you for reminding me that it is ok!

  • april

    I am this mom. Between my PTSD and anxiety… Some does cuddling in bed eating animal crackers is as close as we get to productive. My legs hurt to much for me to get on the floor any play horsies or slugs. I’m always second guessing myself, but with all my flaws, I still get told I’m an amazing mother, I’m a strong women. My children are lucky to have me. The funny thing is, I’m the lucky one. Just remember, you are a good mom.

  • Natalie

    You are a wonderful Mommy! Keep up the good work.

  • Nina<3

    My daughter is turns a year old in just 8 days. It seems like only last week I was still pregnant and terrified. I was never the maternal type and even after she was born I struggled–not to love her, I love her tremendously, but just to love the ups and downs of motherhood and my new, vastly different life.

    She is so bright and happy and instead of being a cuddler, she is a doer–always into something, wanting to learn and play. My hubby works 12 hours a day 6 days a week, I am a full time student online and I am struggling with a budding art career. On top of that, I am trying to find time to get into the gym because I am tremendously fat even though I have lost 40 pounds already.

    I try so hard to balance everything, but I get so exhausted and I feel like I’m failing her because we don’t play enough, and that I’m failing him because I can’t keep the house livable enough, though I’m doing my best. Is it that your best isn’t good enough sometimes? Evelyn spends too much time playing alone while I’m trying to hold the basics of everyone’s life together. It makes me feel so guilty.

    • Sarah

      It is so very hard to balance every thing. I am a momma to 5 wonderful kids. They are b-14, g-11, b-11, g 9, g-8. 3 of the are my step children although I consider them my own, their mom is in and out. I have more bad days then good days do to chronic pain in my back, hips, and pelvis, soon to have back surgery. My husband just started a new job and he is working nights. I have put on what I feel like is alot of weight and I can’t exercise to get it off. My poor kids are ALWAYS wanting me to play something with them or to go places that I can’t do right now. I’m a stay at home mom and every day I feel like I’ve failed at being a mother and a wife because my house is a mess and my kids seem to need so many things that I’m unable to give them.
      On top of my chronic pain, I struggle with chronic depression and anxiety.
      Things get better, easier to deal with. You daughter will become more independent. YOU ARE ENOUGH! You are good enough. So what if your house is messy, you all live there, its not a show house. (I tell my self this all the time.)I don’t know you but you have your girl with you, it sounds like you love her. I’m sure you give her plenty of attention just in different ways :-).

      • Shannon

        Oh my. I had to comment. I relate so much. I have a bulging disc with severe nerve pain down my leg. I have three kids and it’s nearly every day struggle to just survive And keep my kids alive. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to spend my life on the couch. I feel like such a failure to these little people I love so much. I’m also alone with them in a town with no friends often because of my spouses job. I cry a lot. I feel so alone and cry a lot. I just hope my kids know I love them. And they grow up knowing I tried my best.

    • Renee

      I feel like you just wrote my story, except I have a 2 year old boy. We should be penpals.. do people still do that anymore? I have no one that calls and asks how my day is going, no one to vent to when I want to hide…

  • itsrelly

    I have fibromyalgia, arthritis, and anxiety. I am that mom too. Thank you for writing this.

  • Jessica

    This made me cry and was exactly what I needed today. Thank you.

  • angela goldman

    I am that mom as well. No matter how grown they become I will always see them all 4 as my babies. And that they will always need mom. I hope!!:-)

  • man

    I DELETED THIS COMMENT BECAUSE, WHILE I CAN TAKE THE ABUSE, ALL OF THE WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO HAVE COMMENTED HERE DO NOT DESERVE TO HAVE TO READ IT.

    All other offensive comments will also be deleted.

    Love,
    Steph

    • Katy

      Excuse me, sir, but do you also struggle with an invisible illness? Because clearly you do not. I have anxiety. Real, crippling, overwhelming anxiety. It affects my every day life. I also suffer from chronic migraines that have no identifiable cause (going on 13 years with those fuckers now). I do the best that I can for my son, with help from my husband. I get overwhelmed too often, and the pain gets to be too much. I love my son immensely, and I have worked through many of my anxieties because normalcy for his life requires it. But I can’t work through migraines. Just because someone has an illness that you can’t physically see, doesn’t mean it didn’t exist. Because let me tell you, buddy, they all hurt just as much as something on the outside. So take your mommy/woman issues to a therapist, where they belong. Work through that shit. Just like every woman on here is trying to do.

    • Suzanne

      You are not a MAN you are a coward who gets his jollies from putting women down. Seriously get yourself some help because I am guessing you are a scorned and bitter version of someone who hasn’t accomplished anything you can be proud of. If you were content and happy in your life you wouldn’t have taken the time to put someone else’s life down. Happy people spread happiness, bitter disappointing people spread hate and harm. Until you have walked even one step in any of the shoes of any of these mothers you have NO RIGHT to put them down. I feel sorry for any children you may help make because if this is how you act if their mother is sick then they are going to grow up just as pathetic and bitter as you are! Any mother who loves their child and cares for their child deserves nothing but unconditional support! You deserve to have your mouth smacked for acting like that!

    • Suzanne

      You are not a MAN you are a coward who gets his jollies from putting women down. Seriously get yourself some help because I am guessing you are a scorned and bitter version of someone who hasn’t accomplished anything you can be proud of. If you were content and happy in your life you wouldn’t have taken the time to put someone else’s life down. Happy people spread happiness, bitter disappointing people spread hate and harm. Until you have walked even one step in any of the shoes of any of these mothers you have NO RIGHT to put them down. I feel sorry for any children you may help make because if this is how you act if their mother is sick then they are going to grow up just as pathetic and bitter as you are! Any mother who loves their child and cares for their child deserves nothing but unconditional support! You deserve to have your mouth smacked for acting like that!

  • Jean

    So touching. You go, Girl. You’re N awesome mom

  • Jennifer L Nedimyer

    PTSD, Fibromyalgia, Arthritis, DDD, Ehlers-Danlos 3, Single- I am that Mom too…(minus the pizza rolls cause of lactose and gluten)

  • Lynn

    I am that mom. And dad. And best friend, sibling, aunt, uncle, grandparents, teacher and even the handsome prince who wisks her away. I’ve raised my girls alone for 14 years. Worked 12 hours days up to 21 days straight & still came home to sick babies, ballet, cheerleading practice, ball games, homework, dinner, a mound of laundry I’ll never see the bottom of & a million other things. I DO sit in the floor & play with baby dolls, Littlest Pet Shop, American Girl Dolls, a hundred coloring books & broken crayons & puzzles. I’ve animated nearly everything in the house at some point, even made a chair talk because it was a magic chair. I’ve built forts & tents & dozens of sleepovers with up to 8 other little girls with not another inch of floor to spare for the sleeping bags & special blankets & pillows everywhere. I’ve bounced & rocked one while holding the others hair as she threw up. Slept 20 min intervals to only wake up & crank the baby swing for another 20 min for months at a time for my colicky baby. Then work another 12 hour day. I do it ALL. shovel the snow to the car & make sure it’s warmed up before I get them out in the mornings, mow the grass, take care of pets, help with homework(which by the way is taught completely different than the way I was taught & I was dared to teach mine the way I learned, so guess I’m technically back in school myself, learning place values & number lines at the moment). I solve problems, deal with “girl drams” & jealous friends, teach them to do their hair, make-up & all about other “girl stuff” adolescents need to learn. How to cook & do laundry & prepare them for life. For a life they’ll have to live when I’m no longer with them. I have MANY health issues. Including chronic bleeding ulcers, reflux, fibromyalgia, arthritis, degenerative disc & joint disease, intestinal issues & even blood clots in my lungs. And yes, I am depressed, severely at times. I spend 10-12 days in the hospital 3-4 times a year for severe dehydration & malnutrition because I’m nearly continuously vomiting & rarely can eat. This makes it very difficult to want to cook or even smell food, but Ido it for them. Everything I do is only for them, including just breathing. And frankly sometimes that’s even hard to do. After 6 years of not hearing from her abusive, controlling father, he stepped in when I was at my lowest & made claims I was unfit to care for her. She’s now 14. The court ruled in his favor & took her. My reason for living! My house was not perfect, but I did my best and she was loved. And safe. And not afraid. She is & always has been terrified of him. He has physically, mentally & emotionally abused her, and me, for years. I’m in a battle to get her back. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure. He knew nothing about either of us. He is well known & friends & a coworker to our police officers & judges, so I feel I didn’t stand a chance. No one will listen to mine & her side of the story or believe all he’s done to us. Previous police reports, protection orders I had gotten have somehow miracously disappeared from the records. Previous officers involved have either retired, moved away or died & same with previous judges. So no one believes me. I was, and am, a good mom. My kids are & have always been my life. So, my point of this is, be careful. Be careful who you let know that you are sick or depressed. Be careful who comes into your less than perfect home. The world is a very nosy place & people will form opinions without knowing facts. It was even said I was on drugs because I was seen drowsy & stumbled going up steps at a ballgame. Little did they know the arthritis in my knees, hips & back was so bad I could barely hold my own weight to stand, let alone maneuver steps & hadn’t slept in 36 hours, worked 16, and had been vomiting 20-30 times a day for 3 days & was having incontinent diarrhea, was so dehydrated & malnourished & potassium low that I was having cramps & muscle spasms all over my body & was so dizzy & weak I could barely hold my head up. But I NEVER missed a single game. Well, only one when I delivered my youngest by emergency C-Section but I was at Kindergarten graduation the day after I got out of the hospital & a ballet recital the next 2 days!! I was ALWAYS there for her. He wasn’t. By his own choice. This has ruined my life, my reputation & all faith I ever had in people. I’m angry, bitter & have nearly become a recluse to avoid the judgemental nosy people I must face daily, so I just don’t anymore. Be careful. Because I never dreamed this could happen to me. I was an awesome mom. Ask anyone who was in my home or involved in our day to day lives. But as I said, people will form opinions based on assumptions instead of facts. Don’t give them more to go on. I pray no one ever has to endure what we have. It truly has destroyed our lives! God Bless you. And get down in the floor & play with those precious babies or yours. Someday you’ll wish they were there to play all that “silly” stuff with. You’ll miss that mound of laundry, those dirty dishes, those slamming doors & late night giggles, those sweet kisses & cuddles at bed time, bed time stories & afternoon snacks & even the homework you have to learn to do yourself again. Because this empty, too clean, quiet house is the most haunting horrible, lonely place in the world. I miss my daughter! I miss watching her sleep, the smell of her hair, holding her hand, singing in the car & even the arguments. I do pray no one ever has to go through what I’m going through & no child has to endure what she has & live the way he forces her to live. Be careful. It can happen.

    • Nichole

      God bless you, and I pray that everything that you are going through right now will get better for you. Whenever we think we got it bad there’s always someone that has it worse off. I’m praying for you

  • robertalc45

    I am mind blown! Thank you for being so brutally honest! Ibwas almost out the door when my GS came to live with us (he’s 3) now I feel like I’m starting all over again! Im 46 and disabled taking care of a toddler, am I a gluten for punishment…YES! I am a new blogger on here http://www.itsaboutthechild.org. I look foreard to more of your blogs!

  • Stephanie Hubert

    I LOVE this!!

  • Terri

    This also made me cry but also made me feel a little better because this is me in so many ways. Thank you

  • AprIL Barrett

    This hits the nail on the head for me. I needed to hear all that to know I’m not the only out there that feels this and does these things. I suffer from GAD and sometimes I feel like its me againts the world. Thank you for this!

  • Amands

    I am this mom also. Mainly because of my migraines. This made me cry and made me realize that for all of the things I don’t or can’t do, I do a million other things to over shadow that. I needed this so much. Thank you!

    • robertalc45

      I get horrible migraines as well, so I know the difficulty in trying to balance health and a child. I really wish I was that “mom”, but physically just can’t do it. I’m only 46 and feel 89 most of the time, sometimes I wish I had just a fraction of the energy my GS has.

      • Kim

        I totally understand where you are coming from. I just turned 50 and most days I feel much, much older due to chronic, almost daily migraines. Your words said it all. It is almost impossible to balance health, raising my kiddos (thankfully I have a very supportive husband, but nonetheless) and hold down a full-time job. It is so nice to hear from someone who actually “gets it”. Hugs to you and all that you do each and everyday.

  • 2readmom

    Thank you for your honesty, it is very brave!

  • Jessica Nugent Poe

    Thank you for sharing your brutally honest testimony! It was like reading about a day in my old life. You see, I was also that mom. Key word…WAS! My life began to change about 18 months ago when I was introduced to Plexus, a health & wellness company. I am happier & healthier, with more energy, than I had in my 20s! My children are 5, 7, 14 & 17 and I am able to keep up with all of them & their activities while working a full-time job and running a side business. All of us have been blessed with better health & finances. Please comment or find me on Facebook if you’d like to learn more. There is another way & life is too short & precious to suffer.

  • Maggie

    I LOVE this!!!! Brought tears to my eyes because I can truly relate and know that I’m not alone!!

  • Cindy Ross

    Wow!!! When I first started reading this I thought this is exactly how I felt for so long. What I thought my children thought. That I was that mom who didn’t know how to play x-box ( by the way still don’t). The mom who didn’t know all the hip songs. Who didn’t wear all the fashionable clothes. Then my two children grew up into adults. Daughter, now a mother herself of two beautiful children that are my Grandblessings,and a son who just got married this past April. During his wedding something happened regarding my ex- in laws an me that my children found out about and they not only handled the situation but they both let me know that I was the best Mom ever. They had both talked to me at separate times and expressed how much they knew what I had done and given up for them as they were growing up. How much time I had given/devoted to their studies, activities, and their lives and how much I had supported them and still do. So what I am trying to say to all of you wonderful ladies out there is. Your children LOVE you so much as you LOVE them. They just are still learning the process of expressing it and themselves. It is all the game of life. When they grow up and become adults and they will, they will come back to you and thank you for the WONDERFUL job that you are doing and have done. Hang in there ladies. You all are blessed individuals that God has made to be blessed with happiness. You are all doing a FANTASTIC job!!!

  • Crystal

    This has been my whole life as a completely single parent. Now that my kids are older it’s harder to juggle, remember, & I do cry whoever I feel I’ve let them down. They don’t care now or see how hard it is, but one day I hope they do because they have been my everything since the day my first was born and will be until my last breath. Nice to be reminded your not alone in this journey.

  • Joan Digneo

    This was so true and beautiful. I’ve raised 2 boys and 2 girls on my own for most of their lives. Their father chose drugs, I chose my children. I worked 2 and 3 jobs to give them what they needed. Robbed Peter and Paul to pay Satan, whatever I had to do to make sure that they turned into adults who are able to take care of themselves. I never suffered from any physical pains but the depression and anxiety I can relate to all too well. I wish I could tell you all that it gets easier but the truth is that although my kids are all grown and living in their own, you never stop worrying. You are still going to want to kiss their boo boos and mend their broken hearts. Once you become a mom it never stops and that is the gospel truth. But then your miracles turn around and give you miracles of their own that will put you in a totally new stratosphere when it comes to love and protecting. Being a mom mom is the greatest gift my kids have ever given me. I hope some day you all get the pleasure of experiencing it for yourself.
    Thank you for this. This was me.

  • Karson

    I am the mom who suffers from depression and bipolar. I was also a young mom. I was left while I was 6 months pregnant because he wanted to have a life. Sick, depressed, or in pain. I have brought my son to everything he is involved in. This made me tear up. I wouldn’t trade a moment for the world. Thank you

  • Ali

    Wow!! I have cried those tears! I have forced myself to do more till there was no more I could do!! All the while beating myself up over how worthless I was to my children and spouse!
    I wanted to share hope with all you mommies out there!! I have been thriving for 15 months and my life has literally changed, I got me back! My kids got an energetic yes I can mom ! My smile is now genuine not pasted on while I give the scripted “I’m fine” response! My daily discomforts and physical challenges are just a memory!!! No, I am not kidding!! I’d luv to connect and share more with any of you amazing moms! We were not made to merely survive, but to THRIVE!!!!

    • robertalc45

      My health has been heald against me for 14 years by my ex husband. I was to the point of almost suicide. I could hold, carry or attend to my newborn because the pain was so bad. When we divorced, she was three. Thankfully she is the most amazing young lady and doesn’t hold my past against me. She’s lived with her dad all this time because of my health and now that she’s going to be fifteen, she wants to come live with me. I wish I was able to take of her when she was little, but now I have an amazing relationship with her and wouldn’t change it for the world!

  • Rosie N

    Thank you for this. I am that mom too. It’s so hard and so beautiful! I have all of those medical issues you mentioned, plus more, and it turns out every single one of them is caused by Lyme Disease. I highly recommend you look in to it, because it’s treatable! 🙂

  • jen Geisleman

    I’m so impressed and so in love ❤ with this post .i have lupus and all this is so real and true…thank you so much 😊

  • Joselyn

    This just meant so much to me. It let me know I’m not the only one who has gone thru this!!! Thank You!!

  • Lauri Bennett

    You’ve said it all. Most Moms can relate.

  • Marion

    I am that mom too! With some tweaking, this could be my life! Thanks for sharing!

  • Rachael

    I don’t think I have ever needed to read something as much as I needed this today. As a mom with Agoraphobia and associated panic disorder, mix in a little PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder and you have a cocktail for a ‘great mom that doesn’t make’. But I try, so hard to shield my kid from the crazy, and I really needed this. Thank you for being so vulnerable and for being so willing to open this up, because it touched me when I needed it most.

    • Rhonda Leishman

      I too was so many of these things, before I started taking all natural le-vel Thrive in November. My kids have truly gotten their mom back and my husband has gotten his wife back at the same time. So sad that so many go thru this alone and with no “hope” I promise there is hope!!!! God bless you all!

  • Michael

    Just knowing you are tring to do things makes u a great mom. As a dad I play with the kids and joke with them but when it comes down to it it’s the mom they really want when they are sick or have boy problems and so on. So I praise all the moms that just because you can’t get on the floor and act like a complete dork like a lot of dads do, you are a very important part of your child’s life.

  • Stephie

    Thanks for letting it all out…. for us to read and relate to! My friend shared this on Facebook and mentioned that she could have written it. After reading it, I could have written it too. Im not alone, thank you!

  • Mandar

    Well, I’m crying at work (instead of working, because Friday) and I feel like you and I have the same life (but I stopped at two kids so I at least have SOME chance of being an adequate parent) and this is just…me. Lately especially, my pain every day is through the roof, and finding out that my son’s genetic accident (no, not him, the genes are mutated. You know, we’re like X-Men, but less cool) is from me, so my desire to have him led him into a world of hurt (and this is before he learned how to back talk).

  • Mel

    This is by far the best blog posting I have ever read. It is like you read my mind. Thank you.

  • Bella

    Well said, thank you

  • Dawn

    I really appreciate this article! There are so many days that I feel that I have an am failing as a mom! There is so much going on in our family and I feel lost sometimes! It is great to know that other moms feel the same way!! Thanks so much for righting this article!!!!

  • Stacie

    Wow. This made my allergies act up a little. Most of it fits my struggles. It appears there are a lot of us, maybe a closed fb group would be helpful, just to be able to vent to someone that shares some of the same issues

    • Steph

      I was kinda thinking about that, but as you can see, I’m WAY behind on replying to all these comments. I’ve been really surprised by the response (in a good way). Once I can catch my breath–cause you know you guys are making my allergies act up too–I might do that. I will definitely post it here if I do! ❤

  • Amy

    Thank you so much for this! I suffer from AS and these are the words I try so desperately try to explain to my family but don’t know how. They really do keep us going everyday! Thank you!

  • Abbey

    I have been so damn down on myself today because of all of the things I didn’t get done…and it feels good to know I am not alone. Yes, I got all watery eyed too, because it is truly hard to remember in those hardest of times, when you have to hold it together in front of your child/ren, there are others out there feeling and doing the same exact thing. I hope and pray every day my daughter does not have to suffer with the (apparently) genetic mental health issues that run rampant in my family. I am a single mother, with bipolar, severe anxiety, a sleeping disorder, and…..and a daughter. We had ice cream for dinner tonight. And though cooking any sort of “meal” seemed like the hardest thing on earth to do, she seemed pretty happy with the idea of ice cream for dinner. Oh, and I guess maybe I did accomplish SOMETHING today, I got her her much needed tennis shoes for school. But we forget those little things we do do when we look at the big picture. Because when she goes to bed at night, every night, she asks me to lay with her and snuggle. And I do. I know that is one thing I can certainly do right. ❤

  • Emilia N

    My first 2 were girls and when I thought I was done, a son. As a single mom of 3 (and I mean so single there’s no weekend with a daddy or a friend they call “uncle” lol) I feel like a failure everyday. This story created tears, not because it’s written as though you are stalking my mind :-), but because it’s so close to my reality and I can’t believe others live this way.
    Depression, anxiety, aches, pains, thrift store clothes, at home haircuts, McDonald’s…again. And for the babies….new Nikes, best styled clothes, all the smiles I can muster, motions I create to hide my emotions, a place in my bed in case they need me (and because I secretly hate sleeping alone!), and a huge huge place in my heart that allows me to get up selflessly every single day and pretend I’m ok. Yes, indeed, they save our lives.
    Thank you for sharing this story!!!

  • Christina

    Wow that pretty much describes me. Thanx

  • kb

    Not just tears, I’m bawling over here.

  • ravenwing72

    Reblogged this on In my own little world and commented:
    This is so much like me!

  • bonniegowen

    I rarely open posts that I see on Facebook but for some reason I clicked on your post that someone shared. I teared up as I continued to read because It felt like it was my same exact life. I am so glad you wrote this because sometimes I feel like I’m alone and no one else feels the same.

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