At Least They’re All Wearing Pants. I Think.

5:30 AM: Wake up.

5:32 AM: Pour coffee. Panic about all the things. Put on running shoes because my feet are bitches.

5:35 AM: Attempt to wake kids up gently. One is already awake because he STAYED UP ALL FUCKING NIGHT. One begs for one more minute. One glares at me out of one eye. Find leopard print dress that daughter wants to wear, carry it around with me.

5:40 AM: Discover that although I spent hundreds (AND I DO MEAN HUNDREDS) of dollars on an array of Nike shorts, WHICH ARE ALL MY KID HAS WORN FOR THE LAST YEAR, he has decided today to wear a too short pair of faded black jeans with paint stains that I bought at a yardsale over a year ago. He also disdains the colorful new socks he begged for and that cost more than most prom dresses and wears instead two-year-old black socks that I’m pretty sure were left here by some random kid.

5:45 AM: Find my other son also wearing old black jeans. What. The. Fuck. NOBODY WANTED NEW JEANS. I WOULD HAVE BOUGHT FUCKING JEANS. Jesus. Whisper “fuck you” to older son because I know it will make me feel better and make him laugh. Say JK! Because he loves it when I do the Teenage Speak like the other day when I said I was totally ratchet and they said I don’t think you know what that means so then I said I was going to go ham. I also don’t know what that means.

5:50 AM: Start making lunches. Drink coffee. Add more and more things to lunches because I don’t want them to be hungry and they won’t eat breakfast. Take things out of lunches because I am going way overboard and lunch boxes won’t close. Wonder what happened to the leopard print dress.

5:55 AM: Look frantically through son’s dresser for black shorts because he JUST CAN’T wear those jeans. Not those jeans, please just not those. Wonder what happened to leopard print dress. Son asks for IPod back because he was in trouble and it was taken away but it is the first day of 7th grade so I say Yes because I am a Nice Mom.

6:00 AM: Cannot find IPod or dress anywhere. Son says IPod is in my purse. That is ridiculous. I tell him I hid it somewhere he would never think to find it. He says it seems like I hid it somewhere where I also would never think to find it. He again claims that he saw me put it in my purse. I do not have time for this. Go look for leopard print dress, beg daughter to get out of bed, plead with husband to Find The Things.

6:05 AM: Accidently forget which child I am talking to and yell, “WAKE UP!” at 6-year-old who then bursts into tears as I frantically stroke her head and apologize because I got confused and thought she was the other kid who I have to scream at to get even a blink. She gets up.

6:07 AM: Daughter gets dressed in backup leopard print shirt and khaki shorts. Accuses me of always buying her clothes that match mine. That is just ridiculous because I would NEVER and I do mean NEVER wear leopard print. Although now that I think about it, my luggage and my blanket are leopard print and also my makeup case…

6:10 AM: Son says he’s ready to go. I tell him to brush his teeth and put on deodorant. Tooth brushing takes a long time because toothpaste cannot be found, he doesn’t know that two weeks ago I replaced the head on his spin brush, the bathroom smells. Has he not brushed his fucking teeth in two weeks? I can’t think about this now. Again with the IPod in my purse. Whatever.

6:15 AM: Daughter dances around and I tell her to go pee. She says thanks for reminding her! Jesus. I tell her to brush her teeth while she’s in there. Son AGAIN with the IPod. “We took it to BestBuy, remember? And I asked for it back but you said no and you put it in your purse?” I remember that we took it to BestBuy and I put it in my purse. Yes! Pull IPod out of my purse triumphantly and give it to him.

6:32 AM: Son asks what time are they leaving and I say TWO MINUTES AGO OH MY GOD. Other son gently says some shit about that being a little early, don’t I think? NO BECAUSE THERE MIGHT BE TRAFFIC. My kids will not be late on the first day.

6:35 AM: Ask son if he brushed his teeth and put on deodorant. He says he brushed his teeth but did not need deodorant because he was wearing cologne. Husband explains that deodorant is Every Day and cologne is only if you want. I say ALWAYS WEAR DEODORANT OH MY GOD.

6:37 AM: Daughter wants sparkly rainbow hair bow that matches leopard print Not At All. Ends up wearing sparkly headband that matches leopard print Not At All.

6:40 AM: Everyone starts to leave and husband says, “At least she didn’t make you guys line up for pictures” so I say OH MY GOD GUYS and get out my phone. I try to take a picture and say, “Why is it all black? My phone is broken. Shit! Oh wait, the case is on. HOLD ON WHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVE TO TAKE A….they are gone. I chase them to the car and take photos maniacally. I hug them all tightly and tell them to have a good day.

6:45 AM: Back in quiet house. Pour more coffee. See leopard print dress in kitchen.

7:15 AM: Husband calls to tell me that they can probably leave a little later tomorrow because they are already there and the doors don’t even open until 7:30. I say that I thought there might be traffic. He says, “Me too” just to make me feel better.

About Steph

I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often. View all posts by Steph

28 responses to “At Least They’re All Wearing Pants. I Think.

  • Michelle

    I adore you. This is awesome. It made me laugh and made me tired. Haha.

  • AmberLynn Pappas

    We just had the first day of school last Tuesday and I had back up for getting 2 kids ready, but only one was going to school and I could come home after he was dropped off. I am terrified for this Thursday of doing it aline and how the new nanny will handle her first day next Tuesday! At least they did all have clothes on…and it sounds like teeth brushed! 😉

  • stef

    OH MY GOD YOU’RE ME. This sounds like my exact thought processes on every school day since 1999. Except THIS year youngest daughter has a license AND a truck, so there is the possibility of no alarm clock in my future.

    I also just had an ipod-ish convo with my husband that did not end well, after he repeatedly argued with me, that *I* had somehow lost someone’s blank, SIGNED check for $400.00. I knew I didn’t have it. Knew. It.

    OH MY GOD YOU LOST THEIR CHECK. HOW UNORGANIZED CAN YOU BE? HOW COULD YOU LOSE A SIGNED $400 CHECK?? FAAAHCK.

    …only to get a text from him later saying that he found it. Under the seat of his TRUCK.

  • naptimethoughts

    OMG so funny. I love you, you rock. One thing though… WTF is ratchet? Is that like Nurse Ratched? I have a feeling that in a week or so this is going to be VERY important information for me to have.

    • Steph

      Thanks! I have NO IDEA what ratchet means. I was under the impression that it was like “rockin” or “badass” but apparently I was way off base. Not unusual for me. 🙂

      • naptimethoughts

        Hmmmm… The Urban Dictionary says a ratchet is:
        A diva, mostly from urban cities and ghettos, that has reason to believe she is every mans eye candy. Unfortunately, she’s wrong.
        Does this fit the context? You see, because now I MUST KNOW.

        • Steph

          OMG, I’m dying over here. That is hilarious. So, my sons’ horror when I exclaimed that I was totally ratchet while throwing 90s style gang signs was totally justified. I AM MOST DEFINITELY NOT RATCHET.

  • Mental Mama

    Reason #813 I Did Not Breed. 😉 Thanks for the giggles.

  • Sandy Ramsey

    I feel awful for laughing through this entire post. But it made me feel better. This didn’t happen here on the first day of school but it will. Believe me. It’s just a matter of time.

  • Cassandra

    This is positively fabulous. Hoping my first day goes a bit better. Of course I only have one at this point (daughter in college). So that lowers the difficulty level quite a bit.

  • menopausalmother

    Oh GAWD this reminds me of when I had four young children to rush out the door for school! It was always so frantic. You have described the chaos perfectly. I’m happy to say that my youngest JUST finished school—so now more running around for me. See–there really IS a light at the end of the tunnel….

  • Annie Emmy Evans

    Holy crappers… this is hilarious. And anyone who denies their home ISN’T like this in the morning, is a total liar.

  • Hicks Kimberly G

    I’m now a grandmother-both nearing a yr old . My adorable daughters baby girl, Kynsleigh born 11/4/14. My handsome sons,baby boy, Bentley born 10/15/14. My daughter sent me a post that brought so many memories flooding back, I’m still crying. I suffer so bad now w/many illnesses, I don’t know if I’ll make it to their 1st BD. It kills my children I have missed so much of my Grandbabies 1st yr!! I want so desperately to be “normal” like their other grandmas! Chronic pain is just the iceberg of what keeps me from being normal! Thank you for these shares & may God Bless you & be by your side to help you through all your days & continue helping you be this awesome Mom❤️🙏❤️It is our quality of love that builds character❤️

    • Steph

      Normal is overrated. Chronic pain is so hard to deal with…your kids and your grandkids will all know how much you care.

      “Thank you for these shares & may God Bless you & be by your side to help you through all your days & continue helping you be this awesome Mom❤️🙏❤️It is our quality of love that builds character❤️”

      Right back at you! ❤

  • Sara

    I can say from a daughters perspective moms worry way too much! I can say from a soon to be mom perspective this absolutely terrified me, and I don’t know how I will handle this!

  • Tempest Rose

    “Start making lunches. Drink coffee. Add more and more things to lunches because I don’t want them to be hungry and they won’t eat breakfast. Take things out of lunches because I am going way overboard and lunch boxes won’t close.” EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.

  • unstoppablesomebody

    This made me laugh so hard! Glad I’m not alone in this crazy life lol

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