Facebook is All Up in My Business. Literally.

I’ve been sick the past few days, first with a migraine, then a serious allergic reaction which then caused another migraine. So I’ve just been a mess. I haven’t washed my hair or changed my clothes…I’m pretty fucking gross right now. But I have managed to brush my teeth at least once a day, so I feel like that’s a win for everyone.

Anyway. Before, during, and after a migraine I am always very slow thinking and confused. During an allergic reaction my blood pressure drops so I’m stupid then too.

So yesterday I sent a Facebook message to my friend Tara, but then I took a nap. When I woke up I was already out of my mind because I was getting a migraine AND I was super tired. I HAD JUST WOKEN UP, PEOPLE.

Sometimes getting in the bathtub helps my migraines. So I had napped…um…not clothed.

I woke up and saw that I had a Facebook message. I took my phone into the bathroom like people do and tried to read my message. Naked. While peeing.

SOMEHOW, instead of just showing me a message, I heard a strange ringing sound…not like a phone call…but kind of like a phone call. I didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t know if I had called someone, and if I had, then I had no idea who it might be. Suddenly I had this horrible thought that I might have just started a video chat.

I panicked. I admit it. I was NAKED, CONFUSED, and SITTING ON THE TOILET. So I threw my phone across the room. I cannot think of a single Facebook friend who I would want to see me naked, taking a piss, and barely coherent.

As I finished the details of urination, I heard a VOICE from my phone saying, “Hello? Hello?”

Now, the phone was facedown on the floor, but it has the back camera. And I still wasn’t sure what the hell was going on. I was still sure that I was not wearing clothes. Was someone looking through that little camera? Were they getting an upward view of my stuff?

I  was losing my shit for real, you guys. Losing it. I reached my arm as far away from me as I could, grabbed the phone, and ran back into my bedroom. I wasn’t thinking straight. Did I mention that I was still naked? I did what I assume any normal naked adult would do, which was shove the phone under some blankets and make a run for it.

After I found some clothes and tried to shake the cobwebs out of my brain (didn’t work), I delicately pulled the phone out and looked at it. It seemed okay. No voices were coming out of it.

I checked my messages and I had one from Tara asking if I was okay.

I answered back with, “Oh my fuck, did I just CALL you?”

She was like, “No, idiot.” So I told her what had happened and that I was scared to even touch my phone, and that I’d get on my laptop and chat.

Then, when I opened up messenger on my computer (phone safely shoved under a pillow) this is what I saw:

What. The. Fuck.

What. The. Fuck.

Obviously, I assumed this was her response to my accidental nude toilet video chat with who knows.

But. Tara says, “Wtf is that? I’ve never seen this in my life.”

I didn’t do it, she didn’t do it, Facebook was watching me pee, it was just too much. We agreed to put tape over all our cameras, hide our phones when we pee and/or are naked, and wear foil hats just in case.

THEN I get this message from my friend Michelle: “Hey gorgeous! Were you trying to get in touch with me?”

I told her the whole debacle and said, “I’m sorry if you saw me peeing.”

She laughed. And laughed. And laughed. And then finally told me that she DID NOT see me on the toilet. Whew.

She informed me that her phone had made a weird-ass noise and said it was me, voice messaging, so she did the obvious and answered it. Thankfully, she said the cameras were off. But that’s kind of an awkward situation, so maybe she was just trying to be nice instead of saying MY GOD you need to do some fucking landscaping and maybe stop eating so many poptarts!

Facebook was scaring me, but I was very thankful that nobody had to see me naked.

Then Michelle starts fucking with me, and I hear my phone making that weird ringing noise again and I almost run away from home and phones, and then my screen says Video Call so I just stared at it and nothing happened, although I DID have clothes on this time so I guess it would’ve been ok.

She’s all, “I wasn’t messing with you, I just wanted to see what would happen.”

WELL, MICHELLE, NOW YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS. I AM TRAUMATIZED FOR LIFE.

Michelle: We’re like cavemen seeing fire for the first time. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH RUN AWAY!

Me: What happens if I do this….*jumps back and screams*

She had to go do grownup things like go car shopping with her husband without stabbing him. So she told me bye and to try not to show my twat to strangers.

I told her I could probably do that, but I didn’t think she could. (The car thing, not the twat thing.)

Then she had the bright idea that maybe she should do the twat thing while negotiating. “They might give us a discount if I just put it away for godsake.”

Me: If they aren’t giving you a good deal, just flash your vag. Do it.

Michelle: I will.

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About Steph

I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often. View all posts by Steph

38 responses to “Facebook is All Up in My Business. Literally.

  • Michelle

    HAHAHHA….Holy Shit…..this is hilarious. OMG…I am so sorry for stressing you out!! And I swear I didn’t see you naked. Also, we didn’t go car shopping….we’re going tomorrow, I still haven’t decided if I’m going to flash my vag. If I do, it will be in the hopes that they will give me a discount if I will just PUT THAT SHIT AWAY.

    • Steph

      Once I got my clothes and tinfoil on, I wasn’t stressing anymore. And thank God you didn’t see me. Picture it: Phone’s on the floor, so it’s a giant, naked Stephanie…shit, I want to make a video of this, only I’ll be the director, not the nudist.

  • Sandy Ramsey

    Thank you so much for the visual and the hearty laugh. I know it’s probably not polite but I can’t help it. I have the fat finger problem and call people all the time by accident. God only knows what people have seen or heard and aren’t telling me!
    Hope you’re feeling better, friend.

    • Steph

      I am better, thank you dear. I put a code on my phone so I couldn’t pocket dial anyone and I THOUGHT that would be the worst of it. I was so wrong, lol. I’m laughing at the visual of Michelle staring up in horror!

  • Lisa

    I wish I could post a picture here( a cartoon of the road runner with a migraine)…but do not see any way to do so…I too have migraines and understand how your brain can shut down…here is what I do so there are no scary pics of me that way….I get stickers, some stickers are better than others, putting two on my phone(front and back ) and one on my computer, easy enough to take off when I need to take a pic, but all anyone sees if the camera comes on with the sticker right now , is fuzzy orange, I have an orange flower sticker on them right now. I so hope you are feeling better, I am sure it will take a few days to recover from it all…hugs

    • Steph

      Hate that you have them too, but glad that you get how my brain just stops working, lol. I definitely need stickers.

      • Lisa

        Yes , stickers good, can you do meds, for your migraines ? I have just started using imitrex….so far so good, I also have the regular pain meds like t3’s, naproxen, and oxycotin….when those don’t work I have to go to the ER for IV therapy……I am so glad you found the humor in all of this !

  • Paulette Banks

    My youngest daughter shared your..uh oh, here I go – showing my age- column? post? blog? and it’s the first I’ve ever subscribed to for future enjoyment. I am old, ill, vain, and pissed off about it, yet believe laughter and humor help heal all wounds. Like a divorce after 24 years and 7 months of marriage – not that I’m counting.
    I wrote to you primarily because your migraines sound very much like mine – all the confusion, brain fog, phone fuck ups, etc. Mine are called atypical or idiopathic because one thing I don’t have is pain. Can you believe that? But all the other is almost worse. Plus, they knock me out. Who knows for how long.
    A word of advice – if you have a scale to weigh yourself in the bathroom –
    GET IT THE FUCK OUT! Why? you might ask. I was in the midst of a migraine when I woke to absolutely positively having to pee right then. So I got to the bathroom the best I could, just me and my red Rollator, which is a walker with wheels and a seat, in case you can’t walk another step or are in a bookstore and want to browse. Made it to the commode and perched in my usual position, elbows on knees, head in hands, which usually keeps me balanced.
    Not that morning. I awoke to smashing face first into the bathroom scales located across from the commode. The side of the scale aligned mid-face and I smashed into it hard. I struggled to get up, find my glasses which had been broken and knocked off, and view the damage. Oh Fuck. I like my nose, but it was crooked. Rather than let it swell any more and let someone who didn’t know what it looked like, I fixed it myself.
    After the CTs and MRIs later at the hospital, I learned my left orbital socket had been broken. So thankful the eye went back in without snagging on a broken bone! Worst yet, my neck was broken! NO shit! A second fracture was already there, caused by the overgrowth of vessels and ligaments in the spine that usually protect the vertebrae had put so much pressure on one vertebrae they actually caused a small fracture.
    So grateful my broken neck was in the lower cervical vertebrae, C5 and C6, because fractures in the upper cervical vertebrae can result in death or becoming a quadriplegic. I was in hard collar for four months. I only went out to go to the doctor once a month, unless there was a problem.
    I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
    I am 65 and have been having these damned migraines for close to 15 years. A form of hell on earth, agree? But three months ago, my physician, whom I love, prescribed me Topamax (brand name) or topiramate (generic), 1 25 mg capsule of “sprinkles” a day.
    Steph, a miracle occurred the next day. No migraine. over and over, day after day, freed from hell. Until three days of intense worry about my youngest baby (21) led me astray from my regular pattern of setting up my weekly medicine box. Those three days, I just took the meds I knew I had to have and forgot about the rest of the group, OMG, was I ever sorry. The migraines that returned roared into my head and I could barely talk, use my new phone, nothing. It was awful until I remembered what I had failed to take – Topamax. It took two days to recover and I pledged to fill that fucking medicine box up every week no matter how much I don’t want to do it, no matter how tired I am or how easy it would be to let my fatigue rule the roost.
    I don’t know if your doctor has allowed you to try this medication or if you might have a medical condition that would not work with this as an addition to your routine. But if you can take it, they are experiencing wonderful results for those who are trying it. For the first time in years, I feel human again. That’s worth a whole lot.
    When you described your migraines, I had to write. It was so funny, but I felt your suffering, too. I know I shared far far TMI, but if you can try Topamax and find relief, it will have been worth the time and pain in my hands. REALLY!! Sincerely, Paulette

    • Steph

      First of all, it’s NEVER TMI around here! Second, omg, woman, you might be a bigger mess than I am, and that’s saying a lot. 🙂 Third, I can’t take Topamax and don’t quote me on this because I’m allergic to so many things that I get them confused, but I want to say that it is sulfa-based and I’m allergic to any sulfa, not just the kind in antibiotics. So glad you decided to follow! Sounds like we have a lot in common, including a sense of humor!

  • Lucille

    hahahhahahhahahhhahaha!!! Absolutely hysterical!

  • The Hopeful Herbalist

    Follow you on Facebook and risk being flashed? Noooooooooo! 😱 made me smile though, I can identify with the troglodyte part of you! 😂

  • Momo

    I am glad that I’m not the only one afraid of Facebook! Stuff like that happens to me all the time! Thanks for the belly laughs. I needed them today. 💜

    • Steph

      I’m really not sure if it’s Facebook or my stupid phone. My husband has the same one and he insists that I’ve done something to it to make it act crazy…I think he’s full of shit. And you are so welcome. ❤

  • Jana

    First off, I empathize on the migraine thing. I get them occasionally — and they usually come on while I’m sleeping. I know if I wake up with one, my day is fucked. Secondly — this story cracked me up!

    • Steph

      Thanks Jana! Migraines SUCK. I swear I spend half my life knowing one is coming on and trying to stop it, having one and feeling like my head is going to explode, and then recovering from it.

  • Marianne

    This is great! Not your migraines…bless your little puddin’ heart for those…I hate ’em. The commentary and fear of Facetiming nude had me rolling.
    BTW…wandered over here from RubberShoesinHell. I think I’ve found new reading material…whoohoo!

    • Steph

      Aw, that Michelle is the best! We died laughing at this mess. I was super excited when she said she was going to write a post about it too! And yay for you being here! Thanks for coming!

  • Spoken Like A True Nut

    This is why I don’t Facebook message with anyone who hasn’t already seen me naked.

  • Bon Steele

    OMG. I would have died a thousand small deaths. And then, maybe a couple of larger ones; maybe with flowers, a eulogy, and full service bar and everything.
    At least you can laugh with friends over the weirdness that is brains going “sup brah? gonna make your life miserable, hang on” that is migraines.

    I have been in similar circumstances, although mine were more SnapChat and migraine pain meds and no really, I am not nakey (I wasn’t, I swear) and does thing have a GD delete function???

    I have bad, bad migraines. I have all my adult life.
    (here’s my take on how they feel -> http://bonsteele.com/2011/11/09/never-to-suffer-would-never-to-have-been-blessed/)

    One day, they will figure out a way to take out the pain and disorientation of a migraine without the, yanno, brain fuzz and disorientation of pain meds.

  • Cassandra

    I have a firm policy of no video anything ever. My son is always wanting to facetime me, but I just tell him that mom does not to graven images.

  • Gilly Maddison (@GillyMaddison)

    I stumbled out of the shower once to answer my phone. No contacts in, no clothes on – obviously – fumbled to hit answer thinking, ‘that ring-tone sounds weird’. It was FaceTime. I realised when my son’s face popped up on the screen. He’s still having therapy. Didn’t think my tits were THAT bad. For added value validation, I have posted a link to this on my The Write Life for Me Facebook page along with you bonkers friend Michelle. Wonderful entertainment. Thank you. Hope you are feeling better. 😀

  • Simply Me

    OMG! I wonder what Facebook would have named your ‘flower’?! I read this and had to skim it to make sure you didn’t vag patch to Facebook. After reading, I found humor and laughed silly tears until I almost peed. However, the humor ended and I read that your migraines make you ill. I have migraines too. My poor blond brain feels like its on fire and no other sounds come out other than pitiful whimpers that are constantly discouraged by all who hear them. I am so sorry you were ill. You have one hell of a sense of humor. : )

    • Simply Me

      Oh and in case you couldn’t think of ‘flower’ names, here’s a few for ya. The watering lily, the weeping rose, carnation from tarnation and the list grows. You don’t want to know how I knew about those names. The men in my family are grossly underrated in their skills.

    • Steph

      HA! There is really no telling what facebook would’ve done. Blocked me? I don’t know. I’m so glad you laughed…I’m pretty ridiculous sometimes. And that sucks that you have migraines too! I also whimper, usually all the way to the ER, and I feel SO BAD for whoever is driving me, having to listen to me alternately puke and…well, whimper is really the only way to describe the sounds I make. WEEPING ROSE? OMG. I’m using that from now on.

  • Meredith

    I get wicked bad migraines too. Not so much after the birth of my daughter, but they still plague me sometimes. Unfortunately a lot of mine seem to center around barometric pressure so sometimes I just wake up right in the middle of one already and no regular meds (imitrex, etc) work at that point, I have to go and get a shot followed by a fiorinal regimen.

    Weird thing is I, too, am exhausted once the migraine goes away. Like dead dog tired. I thought I was the only one that that happened too!

    • Steph

      No no! Definitely not the only one. I’ve read up on it and there’s predromal (I think) which is the shit that happens before the migraine, then prodromal, which is the awful feeling afterwards. Barometric pressure is a trigger for me too, which sucks, right? Cause it’s not one you can really *avoid* as the doctors all tell you to do. Funny that yours decreased after having your daughter; that’s when mine started getting way more frequent.

      • Meredith

        Oh, hell. She made my stick straight hair curly as fuck (can I say that here?). So much so that I wear it curly now & the first time I saw my brother (2.5 years post birth….don’t ask!) he wasn’t sure if I had “gotten a perm, or what…”.

  • Lisa K

    Michelle pops in in the best places. I’d be OK if she accidentally saw me naked and peeing. I’d feel sorry for her, but I’d be OK. But, this is why I NEVER take the phone in the bathroom with me. OK, well, really it’s so I won’t drop it in the toilet, but this is an extra confirmation bias confirmation. I hope your migraine got better 🙂 And if it did, maybe you just need to video call someone naked, again. I’m all for getting the good results, however unconventional 🙂

    • Steph

      Hahaha! So far I haven’t dropped my phone in the toilet, although I *have* dropped it twice into a cup of coffee. I had a migraine yesterday–I should’ve tried the naked video call! I’m sure Michelle wouldn’t mind, lol.

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