I know, I know, it’s actually Tuesday and that makes me feel like I’ve let you guys down. But I’m really sick — I think I have bronchitis and pneumonia and maybe strep throat and a sinus infection.
Just kidding. I’m pretty sure it’s just a cold. But it’s a fucker of a cold and I’m not dealing with it well. By that I mean I’m in my blue onesie crying into my coffee and coughing like crazy.
So anyway, Michelle reminded me of Search Term Tuesday so I had to check my search terms and HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS ARE FUCKED UP.
There were SIX searches related to engaging in intercourse with different animals. Yes, I cleaned that up for you guys because they were totally gross. I am obviously never going to live down that ONE story about the Dobermans.
There were way too many searches related to porn. I’m only going to list my favorites because most of them were incredibly disturbing and I don’t even know that I’ve ever TALKED about porn on here. Have I?
1. Daryl Dixon porn. Well. I can’t really blame you for that one. We all know how I feel about Daryl. But I WOULD NEVER SEARCH FOR DARYL DIXON PORN BECAUSE I HAVE MORE RESPECT FOR HIM THAN THAT, YOU PERVERTS!
2. Eating poop and drinking pie sex stories. That’s just really, really wrong. Poo and pie do not go together. AND WHY AM I GETTING ALL THESE MESSED UP SEX SEARCHES?
3. Many variations of “Husbands fucking maid” or HOW husbands do maids” or “maid gets pregnant from husband.” I just don’t get it. I mention a maid ONE TIME and NOT IN A SEXUAL WAY and this is what happens.
4. The other ones are too dirty for me to even type and that ought to tell you something because I’ll talk about almost anything. A lot of them had to do with chewing. Okay, that’s all I’m saying. But don’t chew glass OR BODY PARTS. Jesus. I can’t believe I have to tell you people these things.
This one is my favorite I think: You are not easy to love.
Followed closely by: Only have allergies in my grandma’s house. Obviously you are allergic to your grandma.
That’s gonna have to be it for today because I need to go blow my nose and curl up somewhere warm. Now I’ll probably have gross search terms about boogers.