I know, I know, it’s actually Tuesday and that makes me feel like I’ve let you guys down. But I’m really sick — I think I have bronchitis and pneumonia and maybe strep throat and a sinus infection.
Just kidding. I’m pretty sure it’s just a cold. But it’s a fucker of a cold and I’m not dealing with it well. By that I mean I’m in my blue onesie crying into my coffee and coughing like crazy.
So anyway, Michelle reminded me of Search Term Tuesday so I had to check my search terms and HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS ARE FUCKED UP.
There were SIX searches related to engaging in intercourse with different animals. Yes, I cleaned that up for you guys because they were totally gross. I am obviously never going to live down that ONE story about the Dobermans.
There were way too many searches related to porn. I’m only going to list my favorites because most of them were incredibly disturbing and I don’t even know that I’ve ever TALKED about porn on here. Have I?
1. Daryl Dixon porn. Well. I can’t really blame you for that one. We all know how I feel about Daryl. But I WOULD NEVER SEARCH FOR DARYL DIXON PORN BECAUSE I HAVE MORE RESPECT FOR HIM THAN THAT, YOU PERVERTS!
2. Eating poop and drinking pie sex stories. That’s just really, really wrong. Poo and pie do not go together. AND WHY AM I GETTING ALL THESE MESSED UP SEX SEARCHES?
3. Many variations of “Husbands fucking maid” or HOW husbands do maids” or “maid gets pregnant from husband.” I just don’t get it. I mention a maid ONE TIME and NOT IN A SEXUAL WAY and this is what happens.
4. The other ones are too dirty for me to even type and that ought to tell you something because I’ll talk about almost anything. A lot of them had to do with chewing. Okay, that’s all I’m saying. But don’t chew glass OR BODY PARTS. Jesus. I can’t believe I have to tell you people these things.
Six people searched for Halloween Is Stupid which makes me happy because that’s something I actually wrote. Two people searched for hooker stories.
This one is my favorite I think: You are not easy to love.
Followed closely by: Only have allergies in my grandma’s house. Obviously you are allergic to your grandma.
That’s gonna have to be it for today because I need to go blow my nose and curl up somewhere warm. Now I’ll probably have gross search terms about boogers.
We Don't Chew Glass 
November 18th, 2014 at 8:40 am
HAHHAHA…awesome.
Daryl Dixon porn could never match my imagination. I’ll keep those images to myself, thank you.
I hope you feel better soon, sister.
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November 18th, 2014 at 8:45 am
Blue onesie… I still need to get me one of those for my pretend convalescence.
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November 18th, 2014 at 8:56 am
I am a horrified, but also a little jealous. The search terms that lead to my blog are so…ordinary.
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November 18th, 2014 at 4:01 pm
I am also horrified.
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November 18th, 2014 at 9:10 am
Now I feel like I have to do a search term Tuesday post. I WANT TO BE ONE OF THE COOL KIDS!
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November 18th, 2014 at 4:03 pm
Knowing you and some of the shit you write, I cannot imagine what your search terms must be like. I almost died reading your confession on Facebook last week, the one about flapping noises.
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November 18th, 2014 at 10:01 am
Almost ALL of my search terms are about child porn. Which only slightly, a little, not really at all makes sense because I talk about children’s private parts in a completely gender-doesn’t-matter kind of way. So I’m pretty bummed such pervs are coming to my site, BUT I’m happy that I get to deter their search.
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November 18th, 2014 at 4:05 pm
I didn’t think about that. Maybe I’m providing a community service since the perverts are getting sent here instead of to some pervert internet island. Maybe they get distracted and become less gross.
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November 18th, 2014 at 4:05 pm
That’s my hope!
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November 18th, 2014 at 10:04 am
I’m glad to see this–I was just thinking about you this morning and hoping you were OK!
My search terms are pretty banal. People searching for glue sticks, mostly. Which is sort of annoying, given how much I DESPISE glue sticks. But your husband fucking the maid one reminded me of the comment thread with your awesome response to my comment and that made me laugh a lot, so now I am very happy because 1) you are ok (ish; sorry about the cold) and 2) I got a good laugh this morning.
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November 18th, 2014 at 11:12 am
Funnily enough, mine are NEVER looking for glue sticks even though I’m the Gluestick Mum! Go figure!
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November 18th, 2014 at 4:06 pm
That is so weird.
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November 19th, 2014 at 10:42 am
That IS weird. And the only time I say anything about glue sticks is to say how much I hate them! 🙂 No offense Gluestick Mum!
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November 19th, 2014 at 2:29 pm
None taken. I took my name PRECISELY because glue sticks are crap at holding everything together – much like me!
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November 18th, 2014 at 4:06 pm
HA! Now I’m remembering that one and laughing. Thanks! I’m doing ooookay. Waiting on my meds to start working so I’m not so overwhelmed with this depressed shit. I can wait. That’s my mantra. I can wait, dammit!
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November 19th, 2014 at 10:41 am
It was an excellent one! I laugh any time I think of it. Remember–depression lies and we love you!
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November 19th, 2014 at 11:44 am
Thanks. That really helps!
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November 18th, 2014 at 1:35 pm
Thanks, you’ve made me totally afraid of checking out my search terms. Mostly because I’m afraid no one searches for me.
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November 18th, 2014 at 4:07 pm
That’s the problem! Like three people searched for we don’t chew glass and the rest were all weird sexual fetish shit.
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November 18th, 2014 at 4:31 pm
Ok, now I feel like I really have to go look. Mostly because the cat keeps patting me on the ass.
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November 18th, 2014 at 1:56 pm
I must be doing something wrong … I have almost no search terms listed. So disappointing!
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November 18th, 2014 at 4:08 pm
I’m also doing something wrong because all of mine are about deviant sex.
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November 18th, 2014 at 4:09 pm
Maybe so, but my something wrong is boring. Yours is not.
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November 18th, 2014 at 3:28 pm
Your onesie has inspired a part of a post I have coming on Thanksgiving Day….stay tuned and get well soon!
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November 18th, 2014 at 4:08 pm
Awesome and thank you!
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November 18th, 2014 at 4:43 pm
I’ve read a lot of these search term lists from a lot of different bloggers and most of them are really weird. It’s led me to conclude that most of the people searching the web for random shit are broken.
But on the other hand, they probably get way more interesting results than my searches. Maybe it’s me who needs to switch up my style.
Hang on…
NOPE. Nopenopenope. I was wrong. Do not search for weird things. You will see things you CANNOT un-see.
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November 19th, 2014 at 7:23 am
That’s a life lesson right there. And I’m glad it was you and not me. Thanks.
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November 18th, 2014 at 5:01 pm
The unfortunate consequence of having “Nut” in my blog name is that I’m pretty sure at least half of my search terms are actually referring to balls.
A good deal of others concern superhero penises, but I take full credit for that.
Oh, and my sympathies for the attempted dual Doberman ear-rape.
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November 19th, 2014 at 7:24 am
HAHAHA! Yes, I guess that would lead to a lot of nut searches. And thank you, it scarred me for life.
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November 18th, 2014 at 8:23 pm
Wow…..
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November 19th, 2014 at 7:24 am
Right? And I even left the really gross ones out!
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November 18th, 2014 at 11:01 pm
Your blue onesie sounds so much more sophisticated and chic than my red snuggie. I’m a bit jealous now.
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November 19th, 2014 at 7:25 am
If a blue onesie can be chic, then mine certainly is. At least that’s what I keep telling myself while my kids snicker at me.
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November 19th, 2014 at 8:49 am
See what happens when you post disgusting porn stuff? You get sick as a punishment. Just kidding! I’m glad you’re starting to get better and hope the process isn’t too slow. If you could lead me to any Daryl Dixon porn though, I’d be much obliged. 🙂 My whole family watches TWD and is obsessed. My daughter (15) wants to marry him (Norman Reedus) and my son (14) named his pet gecko Daryl. They both got very excited when I showed them your Twitter pic with him.
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November 21st, 2014 at 8:00 pm
Funny but so disturbing! WTF, people of America. Though the Daryl Dixon thing I get. I’m sure there’s questionable fan fiction out there. I also liked “You are not easy to love.” Someone ought to write a sociology paper on google searches.
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