My kids are super smart and funny. This is generally an asset, because it makes it easier to get a babysitter. But when they turn their wits against me…well, sometimes it gets ugly. According to Them, I say some things in the heat of the moment that are not Kid Approved.
Please note: I am not going to stop saying these things, because these kids are not the boss of me.
1. You’re not the boss of me. (They aren’t.)
2. Whack, as in, “Yo, dude, that’s whack!” (With hand motions.)
3. Laying the mack down. (Apparently this isn’t even a thing? They claim I’ve confused my hammer pants with my wrestlers.)
Source: http://www.wwe24seven.com
(Okay, so they might have a point on this one.)
4. Groovy, right on, and what what! (This is called positive reinforcement. I’m boosting their ungrateful little egos. I don’t see a problem here.)
5. Your mom! (Because I’m their mom.) (I guess.)
I have also compiled a list of things I’m going to start saying because that’s just how I roll. (What what!)
1. You better check yo self before you wreck yo self!
2. Bombdiggity. (I don’t even know what this means, I’m just going to insert it randomly into conversations and see what happens.)
3. Stop judging me! I gave you life!
4. Fo shizzle.
5. No, you can’t have any money. (This one is my favorite.)
Of course, I also have to include a list of things I have actually said to or about my kids in the past. If you’ve ever tried to raise wild goats or feral pigs, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.
Source: Pinterest
1. Did you eat poop?!? Tell me! OH MY GOD, I THINK SHE ATE POOP!
2. Stop hitting your brother with that hot dog! No, don’t eat–okay, eat it.
3. Don’t forget to comb your teeth and brush your hands!
4. This is a blanket and it is warm. No, it’s not the unicorn blanket. No. It doesn’t matter. This one is purple. *stomping down hallway in the middle of the night, grumble-cursing-whispering goddamn unicorn fucking blanket anyway* Here! Unicorn blanket. Now we sleep, okay?
5. You need to get your priorities straight. (How did this happen? Am I…responsible? *shudders*)
We Don't Chew Glass 
April 9th, 2014 at 9:13 pm
If it makes you feel better, I understand that one day your kids will have kids just like them.
Then they’ll really appreciate your coolness and patience.
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April 9th, 2014 at 9:20 pm
Ha! That actually scares me a little. I’m not prepared to think about them procreating just yet.
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April 10th, 2014 at 4:19 am
This is hilarious. I like to take the kid lingo and misuse it to watch my baby boy;s head explode. For instance, in a video game, if someone gets pwn’d (powned) that means they got stomped. So, I say..Joey…you should totally try this meatloaf…it’s so p’wnd.
Also, using the word ‘awesomesauce’ makes his head spin.
It’s fun being a mom
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April 10th, 2014 at 5:16 am
Oh, Michelle, we would get along *so* well. I’m using awesomesauce starting now. Thanks. 😉
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April 10th, 2014 at 4:58 am
I’m still dreaming that someday he will talk more and scream less. I think I get one, but not both.
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April 10th, 2014 at 5:17 am
Lol, Deanna, I hope you don’t come to regret that. Once mine started talking they never stopped–NEVAH!!!!
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April 10th, 2014 at 6:40 am
You are so incredibly gangsta!
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April 10th, 2014 at 6:50 am
Haha! Thanks, I try. 🙂
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April 10th, 2014 at 7:22 am
You let your kids eat poop??? Something’s wrong here…
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April 10th, 2014 at 7:54 am
Oh no, there was no “letting,” it just happened. It’s not like I *encourage* them to be super gross, lol.
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April 10th, 2014 at 8:03 am
Sure, sure…
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April 10th, 2014 at 8:47 am
I like to use “whatev” , “Totes Magotes” and pretty much anything the Ninja Turtles say to my children. I’ve discovered that if I use very old school slang, or cool new school slang, it drives them nuts and causes my daughter to shriek “You are NOT COOL! Please don’t talk to my friends”
I think the only good thing about having a moody, PMSing 13 year old girl is the fact that I can embarrass her by breathing
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April 10th, 2014 at 5:55 pm
Bahaha! Ninja Turtles are a great reference, that is genius. My teenager gave me a severe talking to this morning when I used “bombdiggity” and “awesomesauce.” Fortunately, my only girl is 5. So I have some time. You, on the other hand…you’re in the danger zone! I’m thinking about having myself sedated through mine’s teenage years.
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April 10th, 2014 at 10:27 am
I love that you are consciously sprinkling expressions into your vocabulary!
I just giggle when my little one says to the older one things she’s heard me say mixed in with their kid convo. Like “Nicol, if you are going to sit on my head and fart you should do it properly.”
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April 10th, 2014 at 5:58 pm
OMG! That is so funny! (I’m adding “fart properly” to my vocab now too.) Once one of my kids farted and told me to say thank you “because it was a gift,” and I always told them to say thank you for a gift. They make me laugh almost as much as they drive me nuts.
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April 11th, 2014 at 7:20 am
Thanks for making me laugh first thing this morning. I’m pretty sure I’ve said most of the last five. Oh, those blankets.
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April 11th, 2014 at 7:22 am
You are so welcome! Thanks for commenting. Yes, those blankets, or stuffed animals, or legos…the very SPECIFIC one that they HAVE to have RIGHT this minute, lol.
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April 11th, 2014 at 7:01 pm
I say most of those things in the first list too. But I don’t have children to tell me how uncool I am. Therefore, I am cool. And if I am, so are you.
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April 11th, 2014 at 9:01 pm
Awesomesauce! I’ll be happy to report to the family that I AM cool. 🙂
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April 11th, 2014 at 8:36 pm
I’m in the phase where I need to keep my snark in check with my 3 year old because he’s got a smart wit about him. The other night he dropped his fork on the floor and when I asked him to pick it up, he replied, “Sure, like I wasn’t doing anything.” It hurts when those things come back to bite you.
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April 11th, 2014 at 9:02 pm
Oh snap! That’s hilarious, omg. Three! You are in big trouble.
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April 12th, 2014 at 9:13 am
It’s your job to embarrass your kids, Steph!
Stay the course.
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April 12th, 2014 at 11:35 am
Finally! Something I excel at!
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April 12th, 2014 at 9:23 am
Hilarious! My daughters are just 8 and 6, so we’re just inching toward the “Moooooomm, you’re so embarassing!” phase. I have no doubt it’s going to be ugly.
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April 12th, 2014 at 11:37 am
Yes. But so much fun!
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April 12th, 2014 at 12:24 pm
Whenever I say anything they perceive as uncool, my barely adult children (let’s be real, they still live at home and go to school — so really they are more like “ancient teens”) like to shake their heads and roll their eyes a tiny bit while they say, “Oh, mom,” with condescension and pity. I just smile and start using words like “Shananagans,” “Hijinks” and “Tomfoolery” — drives them crazy!
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April 13th, 2014 at 5:41 pm
Tomfoolery has just been added to my list. I’m sure that will earn me a heartfelt “Really, Mom? Really?”
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April 13th, 2014 at 10:37 pm
I honestly can’t wait to have children just so I can use the “I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it” line.
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April 14th, 2014 at 6:28 am
Ha! They love it when you say that. I tweeted this the other day, but my daughter (5) asked me, very sadly and tearfully, “Why did you even MAKE us if you weren’t going to let us have fun?” It was pathetic! Little adorable, cuddly manipulators is what they are. I have no chance here, no chance at all.
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April 25th, 2014 at 9:09 am
haha! Ok, did anyone actually eat poop? I have to know! My daughter had a near incident when she was just learning to crawl and the ancient dog had had an accident. Luckily it didn’t happen.
Whew. Constant vigilance.
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April 25th, 2014 at 10:05 am
She put it in her mouth – same situation – and was drooling and kind of gagging it out. I don’t think she swallowed any, and I *know* she didn’t like it, lol.
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April 26th, 2014 at 10:24 am
You make me wish I had children so I could say stuff, too. Is it too late to adopt?
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April 26th, 2014 at 12:16 pm
Probably not, but I suspect you could have as much fun doing whatever the hell you want whenever you want, which is not an option with little tyrants running around ingesting non-food items and wreaking havoc wherever we go.
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April 28th, 2014 at 1:35 pm
I have a list of these myself, but I remind my kids to back off, because Us 80s Kids…LIKE, PRETTY MUCH INVENTED “COOL” OK? (Start with “Awesome” and “Dude” and work your way down through the decades… lol)
I am mostly content, because my kids (and their friends) generally think I’m super “chill” (whatever that means).
What I get the most eye rolls about is my uber-hip dancing-queen moves when Michael Jackson or Van Halen songs are playing (“Mom. No. Stahp.”), although my spontaneous belt-it-out one-time rendition of “Dude Looks Like A Laaaaydie” still gets encore requests.
😉
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April 28th, 2014 at 2:07 pm
I know exactly what you mean. Well, except the singing part. No encores here. But deep down in their little black hearts, I think my kids really do think I’m super cool. (I mean, how could they not? Lol.)
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May 13th, 2014 at 9:45 am
I love bombdiggity and you can always tell them they’re amazeballs!
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May 13th, 2014 at 12:48 pm
Lol! Thanks. They love that one. (hahahaha)
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May 14th, 2014 at 7:22 am
I once ate half a beetle. Fishing the other half out of my mouth was what made my mother realise that I’d already swallowed some…
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May 14th, 2014 at 9:03 am
Yuck! Lol. Hopefully you were too young to know better!
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May 14th, 2014 at 11:35 am
I don’t remember it so I must have been pretty young 🙂
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May 14th, 2014 at 11:22 am
I’m not sure where he got it (could have been me, could have been something he picked up on the streets), but my 8 year old says, “It’s your fault, you gave us life” pretty regularly. My response is, “But you have free will, so it’s YOUR fault.” Because, you know, I’m the mature one in this relationship.
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May 14th, 2014 at 12:48 pm
HA! My oldest makes fun of me cause he says I’m immature. I really, really like to give that one a hard time. It’s one of my favorite things about being a mom!
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July 1st, 2014 at 4:29 pm
Haahaaaaa, you definitely have to mess with those guys, it’s like they get real smart real fast and then get to their teens and park up, all slack-jawed and doe-eyed with nary an intelligent word to be found. My Queen used to tell her toddlers to “Sit! Legs crossed, hands in self-control” to get ’em to stop mucking about and pay attention (“hands in self-control” was hands clasped together in their lap…I always liked to change it up on their smart-5yo-arse and say things “Eyes crossed and legs in self-control.” At least one of us had a laugh haa.
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July 1st, 2014 at 5:24 pm
Hahaha “eyes crossed and legs in self control” I’d like to see that.
It gives me such joy to mess with these kids. Such joy.
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July 1st, 2014 at 5:26 pm
Sometimes, for years even, it’s all you’ve got, Steph, otherwise you’re forced to consider why some animals eat their young.
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July 1st, 2014 at 5:27 pm
Lolol! This is the truest statement I think I’ve ever read.
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July 10th, 2014 at 6:50 pm
Luckily I’m in the office by myself because I just burst out laughing as I read this post !!!! Thanks for that !
My husband and I often use “You not the boss of me” – on each other and then just burst out laughing ! And only last night we reminded K (22yo) that she made an excellent captain of the children’s ship (she’s an only child and wanted to be the boss of us !!!)
Fo shizzle is one of her favourites in an sms – it drove me nuts to start with – now I just laugh every time I see it.
So glad I found this blog (via Michelle) – I’ll be linking through Bloglovin so I don’t miss any posts !!!
Have the BEST weekend !
Me
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July 10th, 2014 at 7:16 pm
Lol! I’m glad you found me too! Michelle is the best; I just love her to pieces.
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