Free Birth Control

Alternate title: Top 5 Disgusting Things That Have Happened in the Last 24 Hours

So, I love my family to pieces, I really do.

But they are so gross. It’s unbelievable, really.

Here are the top 5 disgusting things I’ve had to deal with in just the last 24 hours.

1. Lunch boxes. I don’t know how these kids can destroy a lunchbox like this, but here is what greeted me last night when I went to make lunches:

A nice banana-chocolate pudding surprise.

A nice banana-chocolate pudding surprise.

2. My daughter hardcore blew her nose into her own hair. It was a sight to behold and I wish I had thought to take a picture because I totally would’ve shared that with you.

3. My cat just ran over acres of hardwood flooring to puke on a calendar that is for some reason laying in the floor. I actually learned something from this, and that is that I can lay any random piece of shit I don’t care about in the floor and as long as it looks like something I do care about, my cat will puke on it rather than the floor. I had thought she was purposefully puking on my carpet, but now I see that anything she thinks I love will do just fine.

I blocked it out because I love you.

I blocked it out because I love you.

4.Β  I went outside because I wasn’t ready to clean up cat puke and this was the first thing I saw:

A dog. Licking his penis. At 7 a.m. And it's not even my dog.

A dog. Licking his penis. At 7 a.m. And it’s not even my dog.

5. This morning Thing 3 was blowing her nose again, this time thankfully with a tissue, but each time she blew she would wipe up her nose instead of wiping like any normal person would. So she was getting snot all over her face. I felt like I had done enough in the snot department last night when I spent 30 minutes trying to wash boogers out of her hair, so I tried to tell her the right way to wipe. This led to many tears and much more snot. Not exactly what I was going for.

I thought my house was messy yesterday, and I knew it smelled like I was raising a herd of gerbils, but at least it wasn’t covered in snot and cat puke and chocolate pudding. Ah, motherhood. I can’t wait till they get home from school. Maybe someone will shit on me and really round out my day.

Do you think they are trying to break me? (They obviously don’t realize who they are dealing with.) Do your kids/pets test your mettle in the most horrific ways they can think of? Is this your dog?

About Steph

I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often. View all posts by Steph

41 responses to “Free Birth Control

  • Sarah (est. 1975)

    OH MY GOD. WITH THE LUNCH BOXES. IT IS SO FREAKING DISGUSTING I CAN’T EVEN. HOW DO YOU WIPE PEANUT BUTTER ALL OVER THE ENTIRE INSIDE? WHY DO YOU PUT A HALF EATEN GOGURT *BACK* INTO YOUR LUNCH BOX? SO! GROSS.

    /caps lock

    • Steph

      Right? I don’t get it AT ALL. It’s like they think of the worst combination of things to leave in there. WHY did she throw away the gold fish package but LEAVE the banana peel and an open pudding? WHY??

  • qwertygirl

    I hate lunch boxes SO MUCH. They are the most disgusting things EVER. My kids really don’t use them except during the summer (I know that’s weird, but they all hate sandwiches so they buy the school lunch, except during the summer when they have no choice but to take lunch to camp). But every fall I look forward to buying pristine, new lunchboxes. So they can trash them. Ugh. GROSSGROSSGROSS.

    • Steph

      Seriously. My older kids won’t eat sandwiches either, and it’s like what the fuck? Who doesn’t eat sandwiches? Oh, right, the same kids who won’t eat cereal.

  • fillyourownglass

    My cat will move from a tiled surface to a carpeted surface to puke, just to make it harder to clean. Plus, he is scared of his own puke (aren’t we all) so he runs backwards while vomiting & spewing everywhere. If he really wants to try to break me he does the “butt drag” coming out of the litter box. Thankfully I don’t have kids or I’m sure I’d be dead by now…

  • Twindaddy

    Aren’t kids great???

  • Mental Mama

    When I got home last night Josh informed me that Evie Cat had puked on the comforter right next to my pillow. Ok, I’ll just spin it so that’s at the bottom of the bed and I’ll wash it when I have more energy. Oh hell no, she puked down there, too.

  • Michelle

    Hahhaha…oh sister…I feel your pain. I do.

    I’m still recovering from cleaning the boy’s bathroom. Seriously..it was bad.

  • Grief Happens

    Um. yeah. My house stinks. The source is somewhere in the kitchen. i just rubbed peppermint oil under my nose before attempting to wade through the dishes — an old trick I learned from my medical friends. Evidently this is how they made it through their clinical rotations. And I am convinced that my kids are trying to break me. Oh, not my dog — my two are humping each other’s faces outside my window as I type… Sorry, hon, I got nothing. I think we’re living parallel lives.

    • Steph

      Peppermint oil! What a good idea. Isn’t peppermint supposed to be good for nausea? So when they make me want to puke, maybe it will help? Sorry our animals are so super gross today.

  • The Hopeful Herbalist

    Funny a friend used to look at our kids and say the same thing! πŸ˜„

  • Jess Lewis of mass destruction

    Twizzle puked on my sleeping face breaking a 32 yr streak of NOT getting puked on while i was asleep.

  • Belladonna Took

    I don’t have answers to any of your questions, but I do have to tell you I think it’s hilarious that you modestly blocked the view of the dog’s balls.

  • cuteypie5

    I’m gonna turn the tables on you. Hehehehe How could you put cranberry juice in my lunchbox, not realize it makes you have to pee like crazy, pisses off the janitor because the lid isn’t on tight and have to explain why you have to use the facilities every so many minutes? I do love my parents for that. Although, its been many many many (um okay get it ) years ago. I bet you pay a small fortune for lunch boxes because there is no way in hell I’d touch anything brown in a plastic bag, especially knowing I’d made one of them mad. It could have been “homemade.” Trust me, my brother dd this and my ears still ring. Brothers are so gross!

  • vickilesage

    I was making my son’s bed this morning and found a booger just laying on his pillow. For a second I was like “Oh, how cute! A little baby booger!” And then I realized, ew, no, gross. Then I shook the pillow and the booger landed on the floor. And then I left it there. Because I’m gross, too.

  • Heather

    At least there was no blood. The other day my daughter smacked her brother in the nose with a book. Blood everywhere. On his clothes, hands, face, and dripped between 3 rooms, then all over the bathroom. Looked like a murder had occurred!

  • donofalltrades

    It seems the cuter the creature, the more disgusting they are. I think that’s evolutionary or something…cuteness keeps us from killing them. I can sort of handle snot and shit and piss at this point, but vomit still makes me wretch pretty good. Have fun with your messes. Lol.

    • Steph

      Right? I think you’re onto something there. And I heard once that teenagers get so angsty so that their parents will have an easier time letting them go. Today so far has been mess-free, but the little snot demons aren’t home yet. We’ll see.

  • Liz

    That’s a lot of disgusting at once! My daughter also used to do the mucus slide up her face. You know what cured her of that? Eating her snot. Not sure if this puts us ahead or behind now.

  • maurnas

    Makes me appreciate not having to care for anything more difficult than a potted plant. Though they are gross sometimes too. With their dead, rotting leaves and stench of death when they die and you don’t toss them for months in a vain attempt at resurrection.

  • Jana

    I’m glad that was just a picture of the interior of a lunchbox. I mean, that is disgusting enough – but for a minute, it looked like something else entirely (and I was wondering how banana peels got mixed in).

  • Katy Bug

    I’m sorry, but that is not my dog. As for human children, I have none at the moment. But cats? My cats are jackasses sometimes. The Maine coon is either emotionally disturbed or just gets REALLY pissed when he hears neighborhood cats/birds/squirrels/beetles existing outside of our house. So pissed that he’ll associate any anger he feels with the humans who FEED HIM or our other cats inside the house and proceed to attack us all. Most cats crouch, growl, switch their tails, and flatten their ears for a little while before biting, but my Maine coon gives about two seconds of warning before biting. That’s IF he gives a warning.

    My 14-year-old tortoiseshell is a model citizen until she gets constipated or we piss her off. (Like when she gets shots at the vet.) When either of those things happens, she leaves us an “anger poop” on the floor. Luckily, as a result of frequent constipation, her poop is solid and easy to clean up. It causes her pain, but at least it’s easy for us to clean up. Silver linings, I guess.

    P.S. – The picture of your kid’s lunch box is actually the grossest thing here. I don’t know what it is but that picture freaking grosses me out.

    • Steph

      Well, I’m glad I’m not the only one with a cat who “anger poops” in the floor. Cats are such drama queens. And that lunch box was SO NASTY. I ended up sending her with a different one the next day, and guess what? It came home in the same condition.

  • kdcol

    So refreshing to read posts like this. Thanks for the (relatable) laugh. πŸ™‚

  • AmberLynn Pappas

    I made my husband’s dog go and live with his parents for two reasons. The first is that he was a biter. He still is a biter and has attacked each of my children (unprovoked) when they were small. Granted he is a Dachshund, but they can still injure someone.

    The second reason is that he is vengeful….sorta like your cat. This dog had free reign of the house as long as someone was home. If we left the house we would put him, his water, and a pile (A HUGE HEAPING PILE) of blankets for him in the bathroom and then put up a baby gate so he couldn’t get out. He crapped in the bathroom every time and peed everywhere….thus the reason he was in the bathroom. I suspected that he was doing it out of spite and finally I was able to prove it….

    One time we went to leave and had “locked him up”, but then I forgot something and ran right back into the house only to find mayhem in the bathroom. I hadn’t even gotten the kids fully buckled, so I know I wasn’t out of the house that long. The whole floor was covered in liquid poo and the blankets and he had been rolled in it.

    Hahaha Dog! I got the last laugh because you don’t live here any more!

    I know you can’t ship your kids off (nor would you want to), but stick with it….you’ll break them before they break you!

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