Tag Archives: laughing

Shit My Family Says, Pt. 3

I’m going for my stress echocardiogram tomorrow and ironically enough, I’m a little stressed about it. So to cheer me up I compiled some more tidbits from my goofy, hilarious, ridiculous, favorite family.


Thing 1: It’s Wi-Five.

Thing 2: A high five over the internet!


Husband: Do you want to wear my hat?

Thing 3: No thank you, it still smells like beef.


Me: I either drop my phone or spill my coffee or drop my lighter…Jesus Christ.

Husband: You need a fanny pack. You can just wear it around here and I won’t tell anyone.

Me: *Laughing*

Husband: Are you laughing because you know I’m lying?


Me: You know I hate it when you twerk.

Thing1: This booty brings home the dough.

Thing2: I thought you said, “this booty brings home the dope.”

Me: That booty better not be bringing anything anywhere.


Thing 1, directing traffic at a small concert, texting husband:

There are pigs fighting in a cage on a trailer. What do I do?

Nevermind.

A guy came with a prod.

There’s a lady screaming animal abuse.

They are leaving.


The following is a list of things I heard Thing 2 saying while he played Minecraft with his friends. Note the difference between what I heard and what he actually said. After each of these I yelled, “HEY!  What are you talking about in there?” Or “WATCH YOUR MOUTH!” and then was informed that I am crazy and he wasn’t doing anything wrong.

What I heard:  EFF IT!

What he actually said:  EPIC!

 

What I heard:  Did you take all the weed?

What he actually said:  Did you take all the wheat?

 

What I heard:  Did you smoke it all?

What he said:  Did you smelt it all?

 

What I heard:  Someone’s been stomping on my crotch and I don’t like it.

What he said:  Someone’s been stomping on my crops and I don’t like it.

 

What I heard:  Where’s the stripper?

What he said:  Where’s the spider?

 



That’s just good parenting.

We had family game night last night.  I didn’t want to, because I had a ton of work, as I explained to my ungrateful children.

Me:  Can’t.  I have a ton of work and I don’t want to be up all night trying to catch up.

Thing 2:  OMG ( actually saying Oh Em Gee), mom, why didn’t you get your work done this morning?

Me:   Oh Em Gee!  Because I was too busy twiddling my thumbs and smoking crack.   I have been working ALL DAY!

Thing 1:  Where are you going?  It’s time to play a game.  No.  If you don’t have time to play a game with us, then you don’t have time for that. (Physically blocking my speedy exit, because the little shit is bigger than me.  Uncool.)

Me:  Alright, fine, I’ll finish my work and then we’ll play.

After much debate between my husband and two sons, they picked Cranium, which is actually pretty fun.  Kind of like a Pictionary/word game/scavenger hunt/thing.  With kids.

It went pretty well. My oldest and I were on a team against my husband and Thing 2.  We totally stomped them.  So much so that during the second game, my husband started saying “nipple” when it was our turn, to distract us.  It worked.  A teenager cannot focus on the task at hand (or stop laughing) when he hears the word “nipple.”

Turns out, neither can I.


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