Shit My Family Says, Pt. 3

I’m going for my stress echocardiogram tomorrow and ironically enough, I’m a little stressed about it. So to cheer me up I compiled some more tidbits from my goofy, hilarious, ridiculous, favorite family.


Thing 1: It’s Wi-Five.

Thing 2: A high five over the internet!


Husband: Do you want to wear my hat?

Thing 3: No thank you, it still smells like beef.


Me: I either drop my phone or spill my coffee or drop my lighter…Jesus Christ.

Husband: You need a fanny pack. You can just wear it around here and I won’t tell anyone.

Me: *Laughing*

Husband: Are you laughing because you know I’m lying?


Me: You know I hate it when you twerk.

Thing1: This booty brings home the dough.

Thing2: I thought you said, “this booty brings home the dope.”

Me: That booty better not be bringing anything anywhere.


Thing 1, directing traffic at a small concert, texting husband:

There are pigs fighting in a cage on a trailer. What do I do?

Nevermind.

A guy came with a prod.

There’s a lady screaming animal abuse.

They are leaving.


The following is a list of things I heard Thing 2 saying while he played Minecraft with his friends. Note the difference between what I heard and what he actually said. After each of these I yelled, “HEY!  What are you talking about in there?” Or “WATCH YOUR MOUTH!” and then was informed that I am crazy and he wasn’t doing anything wrong.

What I heard:  EFF IT!

What he actually said:  EPIC!

 

What I heard:  Did you take all the weed?

What he actually said:  Did you take all the wheat?

 

What I heard:  Did you smoke it all?

What he said:  Did you smelt it all?

 

What I heard:  Someone’s been stomping on my crotch and I don’t like it.

What he said:  Someone’s been stomping on my crops and I don’t like it.

 

What I heard:  Where’s the stripper?

What he said:  Where’s the spider?

 


About Steph

I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often. View all posts by Steph

35 responses to “Shit My Family Says, Pt. 3

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