Category Archives: total chaos

November 26, 2013

Remember what I said about strengths?

By Steph
source: freakingnews.com

source: freakingnews.com

Yeah. Well, it turns out, my strength (if I even have one, which at this point is questionable) is not hair. So just go ahead and ignore any advice I may have given in that regard.

I attempted a routine procedure tonight which I have done probably 500 times since I first turned my hair purple when I was a silly 14-year-old. It appears that now, 20 years later, I’m still pretty fucking silly.

It started out fine. I put on the gloves, mixed the solution, put it on my head. Then I read the instructions (I’ll admit, maybe that should’ve been the first step) and checked the time.

Then…I made coffee, watched the weather, re-watched that hilarious James Franco and Seth Rogan video, switched around two chairs in the living room, decided what to make for dinner, listened to an extensive recap of an X-box game courtesy of Thing 2, answered about a million questions from Thing 3…

And realized I had no freaking idea what time this shit was supposed to come off my head. Was it 5 that I started? But that would make rinse at 5:30 and it’s already 6:00, so maybe I started at 5:30 and rinse at 6:00? But maybe…was I supposed to rinse at 6:15?

I waited until 6:10 just in case. In hindsight, this was probably not the best decision I could’ve made.

I was hoping it wasn’t too bad, but the amount (not to mention color) of the hair that was FALLING OUT OF MY HEAD was a little worrisome.

Then I knew it was terrible when my husband saw me and said just two words. “Oh. God.”

I immediately went on the defensive. “I know what you’re thinking. But it’s not black.”

He said, “Are you being serious?”

I said, “I am trying to be optimistic!”

Between him and this Halloween hair, it’s making it hard to look on the bright side. But not impossible! Tomorrow I am getting a new hat.

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in random bullshit, total chaos

November 24, 2013

Messy Bun: You’re Doing It Wrong

By Steph

I’ve noticed a lot of these so-called “messy bun tutorials” all over the internet and, frankly, you’re doing it wrong.

I don’t really get why a messy bun requires a tutorial, but I do understand that everyone has different strengths, so I’m going to help you out here.

Step 1: Don’t brush your hair. This is kind of an important step, as one of the main reasons for sporting a messy bun in the first place is to disguise your gnarly-ness.

bad hair day
Image courtesy of Bing images.

Step 2: Grab that tangled mess and pile it on your head. Wrap a ponytail holder or rubber band or a shoestring around it. Whatever’s handy. Kind of like this:

bun
Image courtesy of Bing images.

Messy? Check. Bun? Check. You are done.

You’re welcome.

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in random bullshit, total chaos

November 8, 2013

Kids? Tyrants? Gremlins? You decide.

By Steph

My children have got the crazy-making thing down.  I mean, they are professionals.  Little ornery agents of chaos, stalking me everywhere I go.  (Seriously.  Everywhere.)

I have compiled a list of some of the random shit my children have come up with in their never-ending quest to watch me unravel.

1.  Refusing to wear coats.  This may not sound serious, but when it is 16 degrees outside and you can barely get your kid to wear shoes, you’ve got a problem.  And you might think this is no big deal, but it is a big deal when you know it is not actually a dislike of outerwear, but probably a plot designed to get Child Services called.  They are sneaky, I’m telling you.

2.  Calling me “Mommom.”  They never just say “Mom.”  It’s always “Mom. mom. mom. mom. momomomomommomom.”  I believe this is to keep me off balance, always looking over my shoulder for additional mothers.

3.  Throwing my own words back at me.  For instance:  After taking a healthy dump off the front porch, my then 5-year-old looked at me with a straight face and said, “What?  You told me to go outside if it was an emergency.”

4.  Drawing pictures of me at school.  I don’t mind the flattering ones, but seriously?  This?

The journal entry for this said, “I ate too much candy and my mom got mad at me.  She got so mad at me, her head almost exploded.”

5.  They do not show an appropriate amount any appreciation of my dancing, singing, or joke telling skills.  In fact, they claim unbelievable things like I am “lame” or “not funny.”  Pssh.

6.  They are always pointing out my mistakes, like when I put the milk in the cabinet or the toothpaste in a lunch box.  And then they tell other people.  What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas; the same should apply here, only with less drugs and strippers.

7.  They are always wanting food.  ALL the time.  Like, every day.  I think they all have tapeworms.

8.  They FaceTime or Skype with people without telling me, so random teenagers see me in my pajamas talking to the cat.

9.  Goading me into playing video games and then mocking my mad skills when my guy is always the one stuck in a corner or aiming at the sky.

10.  Telling their friends that I’m not helpful with studying because I always laugh at answers like “Titicaca.”  (That shit is funny.  Don’t tell me it’s not.)

I could go on and on, but I’m exhausted from trying to stay a step ahead of the little gremlins, so I’m out.  Don’t worry, I learned long ago to sleep with one eye open.

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in parenting, small humans, total chaos

November 1, 2013

Snakes. I don’t like them.

By Steph

If you don’t live in the middle of nowhere, you may not be aware that deer and other wildlife have trails; certain paths that they follow, to water or possibly gatherings where they plot my demise.

I am beginning to think snakes also have trails, and that my house must sit right in their path.  Or the other animals elected snakes as their assassins.  I really don’t know much about snakes.  I do know that I don’t like them, and I REALLY don’t like them in my house.

About 10 years ago I (briefly) rented the house that we bought last year.  At that time I was the single parent of two boys.  The baby woke me up and I stumbled into the kitchen for a bottle.  In my defense, it was dark, and I was mostly still asleep.  So I saw what my brain registered as a really stretched out ponytail holder on the floor, and I (stupidly) reached down to get it.  The fucker moved and I woke all the way up pretty quick.  It was about a 4 foot long black snake.  In my kitchen.  Luckily for me, its head was caught in a mousetrap, so it didn’t really have a lot of options.  I called my mom and she appeared magically, as she is wont to do in my times of need, wearing boots and bearing a shovel.

Then I moved.  Like, fucking immediately.

Fast forward 10 years, and we (stupidly) bought this house.  Last fall we had approximately three unwelcome guests.  Baby copperheads.  In my fucking house.

After I finished having a nervous breakdown, I liberally applied glue traps all over the house.  I made my husband pull up all the trim, even though we had remodeled before we moved in, and fill up every hole we could find.  I work from home, and for a time I sat at my desk inside a circle of glue boards so that nothing could get me.

Now it is fall again, and apparently this is snake baby-time.  Two weeks ago I was laying on the couch when my four-year-old walked up and asked, “What is that?” pointing at a spot in the floor between us.  “That” was a snake stuck to a glue trap.  She may have learned a new word that day.  This snake was dead already and my husband wasn’t home, so I called on my Super Mother Powers and somehow got the damn thing out to the porch.  Where I completely lost my shit and began beating the glue trap, sticky side and snake side down, on my porch.  I did this until I couldn’t lift my arms anymore.  It’s still there.  Glue traps are very sticky.

Last night it was raining and sometimes when it rains we have a leaky spot behind the T.V.  So right before bed I went to have a look, just in case.  This is what I saw:

Are you fucking kidding me?

So, I did what anyone would do.  I called my mom again.  This time the snake was still alive and, though well and thoroughly stuck, was trying to strike.  We managed to get it outside, which was really hard because I refused to let my feet touch the floor and had to climb on furniture all the way through the house.

After we took care of that bastard, I convinced myself that there were no more because my glue trap defense is working perfectly.  Then I put out every glue board I had (about 12).  There are probably close to 50 glue boards hidden all over my house at this point.  Even I don’t know where they all are.

I’m concerned.  Fall is just beginning, and we’ve already had two invaders.  I need more glue traps, and maybe some fire.

I think there is an animal conspiracy.  I believe the squirrels started it, and they’ve coordinated the whole mess.  They want me gone.  This could get really ugly.

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in nature hates me, total chaos

October 31, 2013

I feel like I should warn you…

By Steph

Not really.  My Grandma feels like I should warn you.  I am just not that kind of person.

Here’s the deal.  I live waaaaay out in the woods.  My best friend, who’s been coming here since second grade, still gets lost.  My husband draws maps for people we like.

Anyway.  The road that goes by my house is marked at both ends with big signs that say things like, “TURN BACK” and “WE ARE HEAVILY ARMED AND SLIGHTLY INSANE.”  Or maybe they just say “Private Drive.”  Whatever.  So regardless of the implied threat and the lack of paved road, people are always cutting through my damn yard.

Recently, the county came out and, in a really impressive amount of time, built a whole new road about 10 feet away from the old one.  This was good, because presumably people would use the new road and I could stop worrying about getting outside in time to yell and throw things at trespassers.

The “problem” is that they cut my driveway off.  (This is not a problem for me.  As I may have mentioned before, Private Drive.  Now it’s super private – even I can’t drive on it.)

So, they cut my driveway off.  What used to be my driveway is now about a four foot drop off into an embankment which then turns into the new road.  Not a problem.  For me.  However, somehow the trespassers innocent people just driving along are MISSING the new road.  Just scootin’ right on by it.  To my driveway.  Which no longer exists.

My grandma wants me to put up signs.  I am thinking:

1. Possibly the road people should’ve thought of that?

2. I don’t need signs, because these idiots are only gonna have to go through here once before they figure it out, right?

3. If they ignored my “VICIOUS ZOMBIE DOGS WILL EAT YOUR FACE OFF” signs, they probably just can’t read.

I don’t know.  I’m still debating.  I could build a fence, but at the rate these fuckers are going they’d just drive right through it.  What do you think?  Is it my responsibility to protect illiterate and possibly drunk trespassers from themselves?  Do I need a sign?  And if so, what is a compelling message?  Maybe it should just be a picture.

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in total chaos