I’m back and I’m…just like before.

I feel like an explanation is due, since I disappeared for like 500 years. (Sorry.) (HI!)

Well, some pretty awful things happened to some of the people I hold nearest and dearest, and I was very busy trying to be helpful while actually probably making things worse because that is just my nature, as you guys know. I’m pretty sure I have NEVER said the right thing at the right time. Good thing it’s the thought that counts, and that mind readers don’t exist.*

Then there’s this world we are living in and all the people in it who are just breaking my heart and then stomping on it and then maybe it gets picked back up but then it’s broken again and I just can’t understand all the HATE. It makes me feel sad and unfunny and like even trying to be funny is somehow sacrilegious.

Also, I started a new medication that turned me into a zombie, but not the flesh-eating kind. I was a much gentler and kind of a drooling zombie. It wasn’t until I quit taking it for other issues that I realized how much of myself I had lost and that was pretty scary. Especially when people were like, “Oh, but you seemed so much better, happier!” Uh, YEAH, cause LIGHTENING BUGS WERE ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT. Lightening bugs are cool, but no. Not worth it. I’d like to be a person, even if I am a seriously fucked-up one.

So, I think I said a while back that I would ease myself back into blogging by sharing some of my Facebook posts with you. That is obviously not true, because I’m about to do it again. BUT THERE’S ALWAYS HOPE, RIGHT? *waves imaginary pompoms* *wishes I had some actual pompoms*

 

July 20

My husband made dinner last night AND fixed my plate.

I’m sure it had nothing to do with seeing me holding the dish soap over the food, about to liberally douse it.

He’s just really sweet. And probably doesn’t want to eat soap.

 

July 17

I told my 14yo to do the dishes before he went to bed.

He’s been awake since 10 a.m. yesterday.

 

July 7

My 7yo finally found something to keep her busy and semi-quiet.

She’s making her Christmas list.

 

June 21

I’ve reached the point of summer vacation where I’m questioning all my reasons for not sending the kids to summer camp.

I was worried about so many of the horrible things you hear about, and I said no, no, no.

Right now, I’m considering sending them into the woods to live off the land and saying, “See you in August.”

 

June 14

WHOTHAFU–

–What I yelled at the cabinet upon realizing someone had switched a can of carrots with a can of green beans so you couldn’t even SEE the damn corn.

THE CANNED FOOD IN THIS HOUSE GOES IN THE APPROPRIATE ROW GODDAMMIT.

p.s. I know this was done on purpose, and I’ve narrowed my suspects to two.

 

June 10

Me: I can’t believe how stupid this medicine is making me.

Husband: You’re sharp as a tack.

Me:…

Husband: Okay, but you’re not stupid. I’d say… “muddled.”

Me: *laughs forever*

 

June 6

I just walked into the hall closet instead of the bathroom, but caught myself before I peed on the towels.

That means the new meds are working, right?

(I’m not sure if my friend E. meant for her comment to be funny, but I found it hilarious. She said, “We can only hope.” I feel like she was sighing and shaking her head, like omg, that girl. I love it. And her.)

 

May 31

You guys know that I’m a list-maker. I have all these lists of things that I want done, and the things never get done. (Possibly because I don’t do them. Just a guess.)

About once a week I make a NEW list, with all the things from the OLD list that didn’t happen.

Of course, the things like ‘dishes’ and ‘laundry’ are recurring and infuriating, but I usually also find rants and nonsense that I have no memory of writing.

Highlights from last week’s lists:

1. Call fucking insurance.
2. Call fucking insurance AGAIN.
3. Throw up.

(I really hate phone calls.)

4. Yard sale shit.
5. Camping shit.
6. Be calm.
7. Cry.
8. Fucking gnats.
9. Move shit.
10. *something scribbled out with the words “No, fuck that” written next to it.*

 

May 15

I accidentally grabbed a sports bra instead of underwear on my way to the bathroom.

Rather than walk the 10 steps back to get actual underwear, I stared at the bra from different angles, wondering if I could make it work.

It not only worked, but there is a handy strap left free that I’m sure could be utilized for something.

Patent pending.

 

May 6

This morning I caught my cat drinking my coffee. I pushed him off the table and said a not nice thing.

I debated going to get a new cup, but I am lazy and was tired so I decided to risk it.

Also I heard somewhere that a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s. Dogs and cats are both pets. This makes perfect sense.

So I took a sip of the coffee. It tasted okay until I looked over at the cat, who was diligently licking his asshole while staring right at me.

I haven’t come up with a suitable revenge, mainly because I’m not very flexible and I would never lick my asshole, even to prove a point.

 

Guys, this is silly, but I have tears in my eyes. I just basically regurgitated my fb posts into a blog post, but IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BE HERE. Thanks for being here too. xoxox

*If you happen to be a mind reader: There’s nothing to see here. Move along.

About Steph

I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often. View all posts by Steph

37 responses to “I’m back and I’m…just like before.

  • Belladonna Took

    Okay, first, YAY! Welcome back! I’m also back after a long hiatus, but I’m trying to be professional and efficient about this blogging thing, so my next post is SCHEDULED!

    Next, you sort your canned goods by contents, and they actually stay that way? I mean, the worst that happens is a bit of a mix-up between corn and green beans? Holy cow, girl, count your blessings! My guy’s idea about how to put away groceries is: Open random cupboard door. Shove new stuff in. Pick up whatever fell off the shelf and shove it into a less full space. Close door. Expect grateful acknowledgement of his helpfulness.

    Lastly, as one list-maker to another, I have to congratulate you. Your lists are WAY more interesting than mine!

    • Steph

      Welcome back to you too! A SCHEDULED POST? *high fives everywhere* Okay, about the canned goods. That is the one shelf, in the one cabinet in my house that no one messes with, probably bc vegetables. Alllll the shelves would be like that if I could get these people to follow directions, lol!

  • heylookawriterfellow

    You’re back! Huzzah!

    That is all.

  • barbaramullenix

    They were all GREAT but the last one…..What are you doing with my cat! She stares at me while doing that all the time. It’s like a middle finger for her!
    Glad your feeling better and off the zombie drugs (although sometimes drooling isn’t so bad.

  • michelle

    OMG This is so weird. I was thinking of you off and on all day long…wondering how you are. I am sorry that things have been rough. That’s no good.

    Also, HAHAHAHAHAH….you never fail to crack me up.

    I am so happy to “see” you.

  • Karen

    So excited you are back to blogging, I have really missed reading your posts. You are so funny and the things you write about are so relatable.
    You seem like the kind of woman I would love to call a friend.

  • Grief Happens

    Oh how I relate to so much of this. Welcome back! And the FB posts!!! So funny I can’t speak. Cheers to life and easier days.

  • Mandar

    *also I will cut a bitch for messing up my neatly stocked shelves and deep freezer. My pantry is *usually* a mini grovery store (HELLO HOARDERS. YES I’D LIKE TO TURN MYSELF IN I CAN’T STOP BUYING FOOD.” Pretty sure I starved to death in my last life.

    • Steph

      Hahahshaha! Totally get it. When I was healthier, I did all this coupon stuff and bought in bulk and I was SO ORGANIZED. Now my husband shops and our house is the opposite of organized. That’s probably half my damn anxiety, lol!

  • aviets

    It’s great to hear from you again, and I hate that you’ve had such a rough time. I’m thinking you’ll miss those lightening bugs, though rants against those evil canned goods might be something of a comfort. Welcome back, and may life continue to improve!

  • Terri Lee

    Welcome home!!! I’m so happy that you are back and you haven’t lost that wicked sense of humor! As a teen, my doctor felt I needed to be medicated, as well. My parents called a halt to it when I only began waking up when it was time to take two more little pills. My dad lost it when he witnessed me walking straight into a wall (to be fair, I was aiming for the living room). I had extreme anxiety and still have anxiety at various levels now, depending on what’s going on in my life. At this point in my life, I actually think our brains have the normal responses to this batshit crazy world we have to deal with.

    So, are we going to get how-to pictures with that sports bra idea? I’d have to do laundry far less often if I could begin using my bras as underwear! Pass the imaginary pompoms! 🙂

    • Steph

      Hahahaha! I’ve been on different meds for…oh, probably half my life. Some I need. This was for migraines, and it did help those, but in addition to making me unable to function, turns out I’m also allergic to it and the allergy causes serious, permanent eye damage. I have enough problems without being blind! How-to on the sports bra panty…lmao. Maybe I’ll get my husband to make a diagram. Trust me, NO ONE wants to see me like that! Now I’m picturing a video tutorial! Bahahahahaha!

      • Terri Lee

        OMFG, migraines are the worst. Mine got worse in both intensity and frequency when I was going through perimenopause and then suddenly came to a halt once I stopped bleeding. I can’t promise you anything, but I’m praying that yours will be the same. You’ve gone through enough already!

        Really, how far a step is it from accidentally taking a picture of your ass and creating a how-to video tutorial on “sports bra as underwear”? That sucker would go viral in a nanosecond! HAHAHA!!!!

  • larva225

    Hilarious!! Copy and paste on. This stuff is great!

    • Steph

      Oh, thank you so much! I feel like a total slacker, but it’s so great to talk to everyone again. I think my fb followers are completely different than the blog followers though, so maybe it’s not too bad! I’ve discovered that sitting at the keyboard, somehow the words flow better than when I’m stomping around trying to think of something to write! So that’s my new plan. 🙂

  • Lisa R. Petty (@LisaRPetty)

    I’m glad you are back! I loved this post. I’m in the same boat. With mass shootings every day, and people getting themselves killed by wild animals, I have a hard time being funny. Plus, I want to run away from all election “news.” Sigh. I feel you, Steph, but not in a creepy uncle way. I can say that because I had a creepy uncle.

  • Just Plain Ol' Vic

    Welcome back. The cat/coffee story had me belly laughing!

  • The Hopeful Herbalist

    Hi Steph, it is so nice that you are here! You make me laugh though life is real tough on you! Virtual hugs 🙂 () ()

  • onegirlbreathing

    I’m glad you’re back! I’ve missed reading your posts and feeling like I’m not the only one!

  • Lisa L Nolan

    I heart you! I battle with depression, self-loathing, guilt, and burn out! You are not alone! Hang in there, mama! And welcome back! (Who doesn’t love recycled Facebook posts?!)

  • sage

    having one of those nights.. you made me lol .. thank you thank you

    • Steph

      I hope you’re feeling better now. I haven’t had coffee yet…but I’m online at 4:30 a.m.- does that mean you were here at 3:30?! Who needs sleep, anyway!

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