The Tooth Fairy and Santa are Two Different Burglars

My 6-year-old has approximately 15 loose teeth that she refuses to pull out. She’s my third child, so…whatever. I have more important things to worry about, like whether I should use markers or colored pencils when I’m creating masterpieces in the coloring book I stole from her.

Perhaps I should’ve paid more attention to the tiny fucker. (The tooth, not my kid.)

It was a simple trip to get ice cream. Thing 3 took two bites and declared that it was “too hard” and “was making her tooth fall out.” ICE CREAM? Ice cream is too hard? Seriously?

So I had to eat not only my own ice cream, but hers as well. Because I’m not about wasting money.


This is how it all started.

This is how it all started.

After that, we went to the store and like every other damn time we’re in public, she started regaling strangers with our life story. As usual, I held my breath and prayed that she wouldn’t burst into song, since she apparently thinks her life is a Disney film and my boobs are a good subject to sing about.

She started talking about her tooth so I said, “You should just pull it out so Santa Claus will come tonight.” I recovered gracefully, as always, and shouted, “NO! SHIT! I MEAN THE TOOTH FAIRY! The tooth fairy will come. Not Santa.”

Jesus. The little hustler took advantage of my confusion and added a chocolate bar to our cart.

I organized my bags just so, unaware that my cart and my sweaty butt crack were blocking an entire parking space.

I was ready to get the fuck home.

The candy bar was a gooey, melted mess by this time. Because I am a genius, I handed it to her, telling her that if she HAD to have chocolate, she’d just have to lick the wrapper. I know. I know, okay?

I’d just pulled out into traffic when I heard, “My toof!” I glanced back and decided that I wasn’t cut out to be a mom.

The tiny maniac, grinning and covered in blood, chocolate, and tears, proudly handed me her tooth. I put it in my purse, handed her napkins to bite down on, and took the liquefied chocolate from her gross little hands. Thanks to my unparalleled grocery placement skills, I knew right where the wipes were, so we were able to clean ourselves up a little.

I breathed a sigh of relief. We survived all that, while I was navigating through heavy traffic, and I handled it like a pro. Don’t tell me I’m not mother of the fucking year. Ha!

The mental high fives came to a screeching halt when we came up to an intersection with a flashing yellow arrow. We were in the middle of a left turn when flashing turned to not flashing and cars started coming at us from every direction.

What. The. Fuck. WHAT’S WITH THE YELLOW ANYWAY? In my day, yellow meant slow down. This was bullshit. Just then, my daughter stood up, leaned towards the rearview mirror, and said, “I’m going to look at myself. I can do that because you never buckled me in.” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

With complete control over myself and the situation, I yelled, “FUCK!” Then, “Sit down. Oh my god. Sit down.” We made it out of that godforsaken intersection and I pulled over.

Seatbelts on, I was pulling carefully back onto the road when my husband called. I thought I would tell him what we had just been through, and he would laugh and not be appalled that I even had a driver’s license.

I should’ve known better.

Just as I answered the phone, the forgotten bloody chocolate disaster slid off the dash and into my lap. “SONOFA…Here. Talk to your daughter.”

Somehow we made it home in one piece, WITH the tooth, and I’m never leaving this house again.

Can you explain this yellow flashing light bullshit? What’s the grossest mess you’ve had to deal with while driving? Can my kids come stay with you for the summer?


About Steph

I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often. View all posts by Steph

36 responses to “The Tooth Fairy and Santa are Two Different Burglars

  • ercatalano10

    This is why I don’t drive. That and I live in the city and don’t need a car. Which is good because I’m not a multi-tasker, and also can’t tell you what the flashing yellow means. It’s either a warning, a suggestion–maybe slow down, y’know, if you want–or it means drop everything and start disco dancing!

    • Steph

      I rarely drive, only if I can’t talk someone else into it, and then I jump and swear and sweat the whole ride. I wish I would’ve just gotten out of the car and started dancing. Genius.

  • Michelle

    Haha… My most disgusting mom story involved puke and picture taking. I try to not think of it

  • Ariel

    I rolled laughing! (So sorry, but you can laugh at me. My Honey Badger dumped 5lbs of flour and another 5lbs of corn meal all over my couch last week…. at the same time…. while I was in the bathroom. Goodbye fried squash and green tomatoes.) I’m not sure about where you are, but they just changed almost all of the left lane stoplights to the blinking yellow lights for the “turn if it’s clear” thing instead of just the green light off to the right. It’s confusing, I know.

    • Steph

      When you say “honey badger”….I’m going to need more information.

      I’m in Arkansas and I did NOT get the memo about this traffic thing. Or possibly I did and I forgot, like the whole cookie dough thing.

      • Ariel

        Honey Badger is my toddler. He wound up with the nickname after my husband discovered the youtube video of a guy narrating everything a honey badger did and added “Honey Badger don’t care!” Which is my son’s lease on life.

        I’m in Oklahoma, they started the whole thing in Norman and now I’ve noticed it in a few other places. It’s stupid and confusing.

        • Steph

          Ah! For a minute I was really, really worried that you had an actual honey badger in your home. But that is the PERFECT nickname for a toddler. Perfect.

  • The Hopeful Herbalist

    Ok I don’t drive (really – is this day and age!! 😱) but I do find that the fluff ball of a cat has hidden a fur ball right where I’m going walk in bare feet! (Not so different from children!) 😂

  • Spoken Like A True Nut

    Aww, I can’t help but sympathize with Thing 3. I was such a big baby about loosing teeth as a kid. Truth be told, I still am. I kept my wisdom teeth several years longer than I ought to have because the idea of someone yanking them out gave me the heebie jeebies.

    In fact I think the wisdoms were actually worse to deal with because I no longer had the incentive of the Tooth Fairy, who is clearly an ageist bitch.

  • Just Plain Ol' Vic

    Ha ha, what a day! I guess I will have to tell my “gross” story but link it to you!

  • It’s Official…I Am A Dad Now *sigh* | Just Plain Ol' Vic

    […] over at We Don’t Chew Glass just did a post today about her driving experience.  At the end of her post she asked, “What […]

    • AmberLynn Pappas

      Okay, so I just read this and it made me think of a time when we took this 21 year old out for his birthday. My husband at the time had a Honda Prelude and he was six foot five and the other gentleman was also over 6 feet so they rode in the front seat on the way home. I sat in the back seat, behind the drunk 21 year old. He had his head hanging out the window for a long time and all of a sudden I felt something hit me in the side of the face and in my mouth and whoosh by me! The guy had thrown up and because of the speed we are driving at it flew backwards into the car into my face my hair my mouth and splattered across the back window. Needless to say that was probably the grossest car experience of my life!

      • Just Plain Ol' Vic

        OMG!!! I laughed and felt sorry for you all wrapped up into one!

      • Steph

        OMG! YOU just reminded ME of a time driving home with drunk friends and we stopped in the middle of the road because one of us (no idea which; me, maybe?) was puking out the window and it was getting everywhere. Another time, a boyfriend of mine pulled over so I could puke on the side of the road, and somehow my purse fell out. A few days later a very nice stranger called me and returned it – along with everything inside. Jesus, I was a drunken idiot once.

  • Mental Mama

    It’s horror stories like this that make me glad I don’t have a baby oven.

  • Katrina

    We were out looking at Christmas lights on unfamiliar neighborhoods when the worst stomach virus EVER ATTACKED! There are no words for the horror.

  • Jana

    We have the yellow flashing arrows at left turn signals as well. Basically (as far as I can surmise) it means you can make your left turn – if you can do it before being T-boned by oncoming traffic. May the odds be ever in your favor.

  • Shawna

    I can not believe you had the nerve to watch my home videos and copy my day word for word on your blog. Well, it was close anyway. You are hilarious.

  • AmberLynn Pappas

    My 4yo recently picked his nose so hard that it started bleeding while I was driving home with the groceries. At a red light he says, “there is red on my hand.” Kind of like it was no big deal. I look back and his face is covered in blood! And I didn’t stop myself before alerting him to this fact. Yeah, it was not a great rest of the ride home. And , it’s kind of hard to explain to a four year old how to hold his nose and tilt his head back so that he stops bleeding all over the car.

    • Steph

      Oh no! Blech. One of mine has nosebleeds and they are so gross…I can’t imagine a 4yo IN A CAR covered in snot blood….I hope you don’t have fabric seats.

  • Diana Davis

    This is great! So funny. My kid is only a year old so I haven’t had to deal with the tooth fairy and santa yet. I’m anticipating a similar story. By the way, I gave you my blogger of the week shout out for this at the end of the weekly wrap-up on my blog. 🙂

  • THE USELESS SHIT LIST #245 | The Spew

    […] week’s shout out goes to Stephanie Marsh at We Don’t Chew Glass for this hilarious post, The Tooth Fairy and Santa are Two Different Burglars. Seriously, even the title makes me […]

  • Mandar

    I have (without looking) reached back and caught vomit, pounded on the back of a choking kid (perfectly justifiable to scream JUST TAKE YOUR SEATBELT OFF AND LEAN FORWARD) while on the highway at 70 mph, calmly call my boyfriend and as for supplies to clean up some puke, because the party animal who turned 5 had too much cake and gatorade before playing in 95 degree weather (genius, right? this is why you eat fish when you’re pregnant/nursing) and basically a lot of puke. I have one choker and one puker.

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