My 6-year-old has approximately 15 loose teeth that she refuses to pull out. She’s my third child, so…whatever. I have more important things to worry about, like whether I should use markers or colored pencils when I’m creating masterpieces in the coloring book I stole from her.
Perhaps I should’ve paid more attention to the tiny fucker. (The tooth, not my kid.)
It was a simple trip to get ice cream. Thing 3 took two bites and declared that it was “too hard” and “was making her tooth fall out.” ICE CREAM? Ice cream is too hard? Seriously?
So I had to eat not only my own ice cream, but hers as well. Because I’m not about wasting money.
This is how it all started.
After that, we went to the store and like every other damn time we’re in public, she started regaling strangers with our life story. As usual, I held my breath and prayed that she wouldn’t burst into song, since she apparently thinks her life is a Disney film and my boobs are a good subject to sing about.
She started talking about her tooth so I said, “You should just pull it out so Santa Claus will come tonight.” I recovered gracefully, as always, and shouted, “NO! SHIT! I MEAN THE TOOTH FAIRY! The tooth fairy will come. Not Santa.”
Jesus. The little hustler took advantage of my confusion and added a chocolate bar to our cart.
I organized my bags just so, unaware that my cart and my sweaty butt crack were blocking an entire parking space.
I was ready to get the fuck home.
The candy bar was a gooey, melted mess by this time. Because I am a genius, I handed it to her, telling her that if she HAD to have chocolate, she’d just have to lick the wrapper. I know. I know, okay?
I’d just pulled out into traffic when I heard, “My toof!” I glanced back and decided that I wasn’t cut out to be a mom.
The tiny maniac, grinning and covered in blood, chocolate, and tears, proudly handed me her tooth. I put it in my purse, handed her napkins to bite down on, and took the liquefied chocolate from her gross little hands. Thanks to my unparalleled grocery placement skills, I knew right where the wipes were, so we were able to clean ourselves up a little.
I breathed a sigh of relief. We survived all that, while I was navigating through heavy traffic, and I handled it like a pro. Don’t tell me I’m not mother of the fucking year. Ha!
The mental high fives came to a screeching halt when we came up to an intersection with a flashing yellow arrow. We were in the middle of a left turn when flashing turned to not flashing and cars started coming at us from every direction.
What. The. Fuck. WHAT’S WITH THE YELLOW ANYWAY? In my day, yellow meant slow down. This was bullshit. Just then, my daughter stood up, leaned towards the rearview mirror, and said, “I’m going to look at myself. I can do that because you never buckled me in.” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
With complete control over myself and the situation, I yelled, “FUCK!” Then, “Sit down. Oh my god. Sit down.” We made it out of that godforsaken intersection and I pulled over.
Seatbelts on, I was pulling carefully back onto the road when my husband called. I thought I would tell him what we had just been through, and he would laugh and not be appalled that I even had a driver’s license.
I should’ve known better.
Just as I answered the phone, the forgotten bloody chocolate disaster slid off the dash and into my lap. “SONOFA…Here. Talk to your daughter.”
Somehow we made it home in one piece, WITH the tooth, and I’m never leaving this house again.
Can you explain this yellow flashing light bullshit? What’s the grossest mess you’ve had to deal with while driving? Can my kids come stay with you for the summer?
We Don't Chew Glass 
July 14th, 2015 at 11:58 am
This is why I don’t drive. That and I live in the city and don’t need a car. Which is good because I’m not a multi-tasker, and also can’t tell you what the flashing yellow means. It’s either a warning, a suggestion–maybe slow down, y’know, if you want–or it means drop everything and start disco dancing!
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July 18th, 2015 at 10:06 pm
I rarely drive, only if I can’t talk someone else into it, and then I jump and swear and sweat the whole ride. I wish I would’ve just gotten out of the car and started dancing. Genius.
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July 14th, 2015 at 12:01 pm
Haha… My most disgusting mom story involved puke and picture taking. I try to not think of it
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July 18th, 2015 at 10:08 pm
LOLOL Oh shit. That’s funny and you didn’t even tell the whole thing. Sorry kids are so fucking gross.
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July 14th, 2015 at 12:42 pm
I rolled laughing! (So sorry, but you can laugh at me. My Honey Badger dumped 5lbs of flour and another 5lbs of corn meal all over my couch last week…. at the same time…. while I was in the bathroom. Goodbye fried squash and green tomatoes.) I’m not sure about where you are, but they just changed almost all of the left lane stoplights to the blinking yellow lights for the “turn if it’s clear” thing instead of just the green light off to the right. It’s confusing, I know.
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July 18th, 2015 at 10:10 pm
When you say “honey badger”….I’m going to need more information.
I’m in Arkansas and I did NOT get the memo about this traffic thing. Or possibly I did and I forgot, like the whole cookie dough thing.
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July 19th, 2015 at 2:24 pm
Honey Badger is my toddler. He wound up with the nickname after my husband discovered the youtube video of a guy narrating everything a honey badger did and added “Honey Badger don’t care!” Which is my son’s lease on life.
I’m in Oklahoma, they started the whole thing in Norman and now I’ve noticed it in a few other places. It’s stupid and confusing.
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July 20th, 2015 at 9:02 am
Ah! For a minute I was really, really worried that you had an actual honey badger in your home. But that is the PERFECT nickname for a toddler. Perfect.
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July 14th, 2015 at 2:01 pm
Ok I don’t drive (really – is this day and age!! 😱) but I do find that the fluff ball of a cat has hidden a fur ball right where I’m going walk in bare feet! (Not so different from children!) 😂
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July 18th, 2015 at 10:11 pm
By “fur ball” do you mean “vomit”? Because my cat leaves those around too.
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July 19th, 2015 at 1:24 am
Oh yes, he’s a fluff monster and likes to find a carpet to leave it on – eeew! 😱
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July 14th, 2015 at 2:56 pm
Aww, I can’t help but sympathize with Thing 3. I was such a big baby about loosing teeth as a kid. Truth be told, I still am. I kept my wisdom teeth several years longer than I ought to have because the idea of someone yanking them out gave me the heebie jeebies.
In fact I think the wisdoms were actually worse to deal with because I no longer had the incentive of the Tooth Fairy, who is clearly an ageist bitch.
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July 18th, 2015 at 10:13 pm
HA! Yes, I feel her pain too. I’ve always been a ninny. I thought I was going to DIE after getting my wisdom teeth out! Glad that’s over with.
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July 14th, 2015 at 6:07 pm
Ha ha, what a day! I guess I will have to tell my “gross” story but link it to you!
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July 14th, 2015 at 7:04 pm
[…] over at We Don’t Chew Glass just did a post today about her driving experience. At the end of her post she asked, “What […]
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July 18th, 2015 at 10:19 pm
Just checked it out! Your story is way grosser than mine, lol!
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July 14th, 2015 at 7:44 pm
As promised, my “gross” car story:
http://justplainolvic.com/2015/07/15/its-official-i-am-a-dad-now-sigh/
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July 27th, 2015 at 3:57 pm
Okay, so I just read this and it made me think of a time when we took this 21 year old out for his birthday. My husband at the time had a Honda Prelude and he was six foot five and the other gentleman was also over 6 feet so they rode in the front seat on the way home. I sat in the back seat, behind the drunk 21 year old. He had his head hanging out the window for a long time and all of a sudden I felt something hit me in the side of the face and in my mouth and whoosh by me! The guy had thrown up and because of the speed we are driving at it flew backwards into the car into my face my hair my mouth and splattered across the back window. Needless to say that was probably the grossest car experience of my life!
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July 27th, 2015 at 3:59 pm
OMG!!! I laughed and felt sorry for you all wrapped up into one!
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July 30th, 2015 at 1:55 pm
OMG! YOU just reminded ME of a time driving home with drunk friends and we stopped in the middle of the road because one of us (no idea which; me, maybe?) was puking out the window and it was getting everywhere. Another time, a boyfriend of mine pulled over so I could puke on the side of the road, and somehow my purse fell out. A few days later a very nice stranger called me and returned it – along with everything inside. Jesus, I was a drunken idiot once.
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July 15th, 2015 at 7:25 am
It’s horror stories like this that make me glad I don’t have a baby oven.
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July 18th, 2015 at 10:23 pm
Just you wait. This week I have to attend Girl Scout camp with hundreds of them.
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July 15th, 2015 at 9:53 am
We were out looking at Christmas lights on unfamiliar neighborhoods when the worst stomach virus EVER ATTACKED! There are no words for the horror.
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July 18th, 2015 at 10:23 pm
Oh God no. I can’t even imagine, and that’s good because I don’t think I want to.
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July 15th, 2015 at 2:22 pm
We have the yellow flashing arrows at left turn signals as well. Basically (as far as I can surmise) it means you can make your left turn – if you can do it before being T-boned by oncoming traffic. May the odds be ever in your favor.
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July 18th, 2015 at 10:24 pm
This is bullshit. No one ran this by me. Jana, I really feel like a lot of things need to be approved by one of us before becoming a thing.
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July 18th, 2015 at 1:57 pm
I can not believe you had the nerve to watch my home videos and copy my day word for word on your blog. Well, it was close anyway. You are hilarious.
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July 18th, 2015 at 10:26 pm
Ha! Thanks! And also, sorry, and I hope you had a quiet, restful evening after a day like that. 🙂
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July 27th, 2015 at 3:51 pm
My 4yo recently picked his nose so hard that it started bleeding while I was driving home with the groceries. At a red light he says, “there is red on my hand.” Kind of like it was no big deal. I look back and his face is covered in blood! And I didn’t stop myself before alerting him to this fact. Yeah, it was not a great rest of the ride home. And , it’s kind of hard to explain to a four year old how to hold his nose and tilt his head back so that he stops bleeding all over the car.
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July 30th, 2015 at 1:51 pm
Oh no! Blech. One of mine has nosebleeds and they are so gross…I can’t imagine a 4yo IN A CAR covered in snot blood….I hope you don’t have fabric seats.
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July 31st, 2015 at 10:08 am
This is great! So funny. My kid is only a year old so I haven’t had to deal with the tooth fairy and santa yet. I’m anticipating a similar story. By the way, I gave you my blogger of the week shout out for this at the end of the weekly wrap-up on my blog. 🙂
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July 31st, 2015 at 11:00 am
Thanks! Get ready, because those little shits just get louder and grosser the older they get.
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July 31st, 2015 at 11:04 am
hahahaha I’m getting that.
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July 31st, 2015 at 10:30 am
[…] week’s shout out goes to Stephanie Marsh at We Don’t Chew Glass for this hilarious post, The Tooth Fairy and Santa are Two Different Burglars. Seriously, even the title makes me […]
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September 4th, 2015 at 12:57 pm
I have (without looking) reached back and caught vomit, pounded on the back of a choking kid (perfectly justifiable to scream JUST TAKE YOUR SEATBELT OFF AND LEAN FORWARD) while on the highway at 70 mph, calmly call my boyfriend and as for supplies to clean up some puke, because the party animal who turned 5 had too much cake and gatorade before playing in 95 degree weather (genius, right? this is why you eat fish when you’re pregnant/nursing) and basically a lot of puke. I have one choker and one puker.
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September 4th, 2015 at 3:41 pm
One choker and one puker, lol. I guess…at least you don’t have a shitter?
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