Recently I took some classes on relaxation. Because apparently I am so uptight that I need someone to literally teach me how to unwind.
Some of them were ridiculous and some seemed to have some merit, but my favorite one featured a guided meditation soundtrack.
A smooth and mellow voice urged me to relax my neck and shoulders, relax my back, relax, relax, relax, all while soothing music played in the background.
The room was quiet as everyone slid into a trance-like state of relaxation and meditation. There were about 15 of us, each with our eyes closed, following the directions which were almost whispered to us.
I could feel myself floating off, almost lifting up off my beanbag, I was so boneless. It was working. I was limp and weightless.
Then the disembodied voice ruined it all by saying, “Now, I want you to relax your genital area. Just let go.”
EXCUSE ME? Insert squealing tires and screeching brakes.
No one else seemed to notice, but I think at least half of them were asleep.
How on earth…why would you want…I’m sorry. Whatever my genitals are doing is none of your business, lady. I had visions of everyone pissing themselves because of this horrible suggestion. It just totally ruined the mood for me.
After class, I tried asking (between giggles) if anyone else had heard that command, but no one had. So now I am wondering if she even said it to begin with. But if she didn’t…what the fuck did she say? What sounds like genital area? How (and for fuck’s sake why) did I hear genitals if she didn’t say it?
This reminds me of a time when I was in a really loud bar and a friend told me that she had cheese in her pants. I was horrified, drunk, and could not understand why the girl was smuggling cheese into a bar, especially since we had already eaten. It was days before I learned that she was bemoaning the cheese ON her pants, not the cheese IN her pants. *shakes head*
Do you think the meditation lady was tryin’ to get all up in my private business? Do you think this class would work better for me if I wasn’t a 12-year-old boy? Has a soothing voice ever offered you terrible advice? What the ever loving fuck sounds like genital area and is located below the stomach but above the legs?
****EDITED TO ADD: THIS IS REALLY A THING! I AM NOT CRAZY. Or, at least, not having auditory hallucinations. http://alternativeculture.com/spirit/chakras.htm Apparently, your butthole is a chakra. Or something like that.
We Don't Chew Glass 
September 24th, 2014 at 8:43 am
Relaxation stresses me out. I have just never been able to get the knack of the thing. Meditation literally makes me panicky.
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September 24th, 2014 at 8:56 am
Right? It feels too much like wasting time. Even getting a massage is too much for me. I’m glad I’m not the only one.
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September 24th, 2014 at 9:03 am
I would have started giggling myself. Besides that, my lady bits must stay on guard at all times.
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September 24th, 2014 at 9:04 am
Lol! I couldn’t help it! Relax your genitals, indeed!
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September 24th, 2014 at 9:08 am
I usually just throw things to relax.
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September 24th, 2014 at 9:18 am
Genius!
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September 24th, 2014 at 9:35 am
I would have laughed my ass off. Seriously. And when I read ‘relax your genital area’ I clenched my genital area up.
So now I blame you for clenched up genitalia. Hubs will probably want to bake you a cake.
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September 24th, 2014 at 10:14 am
Bahahaha! God, you crack me up. Had you been in my class, just imagine.
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September 24th, 2014 at 7:43 pm
I would totally pay to be in a relaxation class with you two, I might not relax much but, fuck, I’d laugh!!
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September 25th, 2014 at 6:49 am
Right?! Oh, it would be a mess. But such a fun mess.
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September 24th, 2014 at 10:03 am
Sorry honey, I think you really are too uptight.
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September 24th, 2014 at 10:16 am
Lol. Seriously. Type A personality times one million.
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September 24th, 2014 at 10:19 am
No worries, we always know our own kind. And yes, I don’t relax either, even with lots of meds. Or booze. Or both.
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September 24th, 2014 at 10:12 am
I totally busted out laughing. It reminds me of yoga classes, doing the final relaxation asana, and inevitably, because *everything* relaxes, there’s at least one person who audibly farts. I keep a good clench on everything in that region myself, for just that reason. I can relax my shoulders, but my sphincter is staying clenched, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
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September 24th, 2014 at 10:18 am
HA! The last yoga class I went to, someone said “Does anyone else have really bad gas?” So the rest of us were off the hook, kind of.
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September 24th, 2014 at 10:14 am
If you figure out how to relax your genitals, let me know. This seems like it could be the breakthrough I’ve been looking for.
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September 24th, 2014 at 10:41 am
Hahahaha! I’ll be sure to.
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September 24th, 2014 at 10:33 am
I wouldn’t want to be the janitor for that studio.
Of course, maybe it was all a ruse and you were just an unwitting participant in a scientific study on who actually pays attention in those classes.
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September 24th, 2014 at 10:43 am
Me either, lol!
That would be hilarious. They are all like, “only the one weirdo heard it and she just laughed and laughed.”
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September 24th, 2014 at 11:47 am
Hmm…yes, I do think the instructor was trying to get all up in your private business. If she didn’t actually say “genital area” maybe it was “rental area” for the prostitutes in the class or “dental area” for the male misogynists, or even “mental area” for those perennial twelve-year-olds boys.
I betcha the others heard it. The combination of courage, honesty and a good sense of humor is a wonderful thing, but every once-in-a-while it will backfire on you and make you look like the only weird one in the room. But, please, don’t ever stop, because it makes for extremely entertaining reading for us!
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September 24th, 2014 at 12:09 pm
Awesome! Thanks Margot, for totally putting this into perspective. I agree with you *completely*! 🙂
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September 24th, 2014 at 4:28 pm
Maybe you were in some transcendental state and you sort of dreamed it? I used to do this anti-anxiety CD when I went to bed and it’s funny how I would fall asleep every time. I don’t think I ever made it through the whole CD. You are relaxed. Feel the tension leaving your body. Blah blah blah… soothing music… zzzzzzzz… the voice could’ve told me to relax my genitals. Who knows? 🙂
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September 24th, 2014 at 5:16 pm
I didn’t even think of that! If I came up with that on my own, I’d like to know just what my subconscious thinks its doing.
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September 24th, 2014 at 6:10 pm
so with fear in my heart i googled relax your genitals in meditation. and behold….its a thing. http://alternativeculture.com/spirit/chakras.htm
so I THINK that you DID hear this disembodied voice making demands on your naughty bits and the rest of your class FAILED.
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September 24th, 2014 at 7:30 pm
I’m not clicking that link. I thought about googling it. I even googled “guided meditations” but then I chickened out. So thank you Jess for your selflessness and bravery. I win.
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September 24th, 2014 at 7:31 pm
I lied. I’m totally clicking that link and maybe even updating this whole post.
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September 24th, 2014 at 7:50 pm
I tried yoga once. We got to the part where we were supposed to lie back on the floor and relax. I fell asleep. Everyone else was up and moving about when I snorted myself awake. Never again.
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September 25th, 2014 at 6:50 am
LOL! Too funny! I guess that’s better than farting during a pose.
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September 25th, 2014 at 6:53 am
I dunno. I can snore pretty loudly. At least a fart doesn’t go on and on and on…
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September 25th, 2014 at 7:13 am
Good point. And a fart you could maybe blame on someone else. If you’re laying there snoring, there’s no hope for that.
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September 25th, 2014 at 8:04 am
Exactly. At home, I blame my kids. It comes out, I look at one of them and say their name in a loud, shocked voice. They’ve gotten to the point where they’ll say, “Excuse me!” on my behalf.
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September 25th, 2014 at 3:14 am
I can’t stop giggling…and kind of cringing at the same time. I totally suck at relaxation, even if there is no mention of genital areas. Apparently, I’m even worse than a 12 year old boy, because I can’t even get to the mention of genitals before I start choking back giggles. I feel all silly and ridiculous and, if I do manage to do the whole tune out/tune in thing, I immediately start thinking of random shit that is totally ridiculous, inappropriate, and, of course, absolutely hilarious. It’s very stressful. I find it much more relaxing to crank up some awesome 80’s/90’s tunes or that nifty “All About That Bass’ song, and dance around/jam in place, like a complete crazy person.
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September 25th, 2014 at 6:48 am
YES! Me too. My brain just doesn’t know how to shut off.
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September 25th, 2014 at 9:20 am
I love when one blog click leads to another blog click which leads to pure gold (but not the liquid gold resulting from a relaxed genital area). Day is made!
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September 25th, 2014 at 11:23 am
HA! No, not *that* gold. So glad you found your way here! Welcome, new friend.
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September 25th, 2014 at 3:27 pm
BAHAHA. Yep, your butthole is a chakra. If you believe in chakras. Which I do not. But if you believe in them, the butthole is one.
In all seriousness, have you tried ASMR videos to relax? I listen to them every single night before bed. Go to YouTube and type in ASMR (Auto Sensory Meridian Response) and try out a few.
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September 25th, 2014 at 3:42 pm
Unbelievable. How have I gone my whole life not knowing this important information about my own butthole?
I will check it out. Clearly, I need to.
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September 26th, 2014 at 2:44 pm
I would’ve been laughing too. As I tightened every orifice, completely closing up shop. I did take a yoga class once where the teacher (yogi?) would list the body parts to relax ending with “buttocks, relax.” I’d always snicker.
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September 26th, 2014 at 5:26 pm
Closing up shop! Bahahaha. I’m glad I’m not the only one who would tense rather than relax that area.
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October 9th, 2014 at 6:17 am
Many of your posts remind me of my favorite comedians!
http://www.cc.com/video-clips/gxm161/comedy-central-presents-yoga-made-impossible
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October 13th, 2014 at 6:23 am
What a compliment! Thanks AmberLynn.
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