I’m sure by now you all know about my unique dietary restrictions and are probably tired of hearing about it.
Too damn bad.
I bought a juicer because I am gullible trying to be healthier. Since I’m allergic to everything except vegetables and pie, you can probably guess what I’ve been eating a lot of. I’ll give you a hint: It ain’t vegetables.
So I saw all these things on Facebook talking about smoothies and how delicious they are and yum, yum!
I call bullshit.
I made my first smoothie and this is what happened:
Nasty.
Not very appetizing to me, and although a few people did see it and say “yum,” I think they were just fucking with me.
Here’s what I don’t get. I can put some strawberries and some ice and like half a banana in there and it makes a not-vomit inducing 8 or 10 ounces of smoothie. It’s not terrible, but it’s not terribly good either. Why not just eat a couple strawberries and a banana? It’s easier and it tastes better.
I think I’m missing something. Are you people adding alcohol or ice cream or something else delicious that I don’t know about? Is there a whole smoothie underground that I’m not a part of?
When I bought my juicer I bought kale and some other green stuff that I can’t even identify, almonds, steel cut oats, some other kind of grain that looks like you ought to feed it to a chicken, and wheat germ. This shit is no good, I’m telling you. Consider this a public service announcement.
Eat some broccoli and a damned salad and be done with it. You mix all that shit up and it becomes a green sludge that would gag a … I don’t know, a picky eater I guess.
We Don't Chew Glass 
July 1st, 2014 at 2:32 pm
Tried juicing (admittedly in a blender) and found that it was a pain in the neck and absolutely not worth the trouble.
Probably not the kind of help you are looking for…
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July 1st, 2014 at 2:41 pm
Right?! I don’t get it. There has to be something we’re missing.
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July 1st, 2014 at 2:52 pm
When I was a kid my mum had to have her jaw broken and re-wired. All of her meals, for what seemed like forever, were puréed (ie juiced). Not a single one wasn’t rank. I shall not be jumping on the juicing revolution. Surely there’s calorie-expenditure in chewing too? A bonus on top of not having ‘food’ that looks like vomit.
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July 1st, 2014 at 3:43 pm
Oh my gosh, that sounds terrible. Now I feel like I should chew my food in honor of those who can’t.
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July 1st, 2014 at 2:57 pm
I’ve been making slushies with my juicer. Total fail…I would rather eat veggies than drink them. I plan on making milkshakes one of these days. Screw you McDonalds.
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July 1st, 2014 at 3:43 pm
Yay, milkshakes! Bummer that both of us spent money on a stupid juicer!!!!
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July 1st, 2014 at 4:21 pm
I know, but this slushie is fantastic. LOL
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July 1st, 2014 at 3:21 pm
My son juices..my mother juices. It’s a pain in the ass. I tried it. I don’t like the clean up and it tastes like butt.
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July 1st, 2014 at 3:44 pm
I know, it is so much more messy than just eating the food. And it tastes like butt, lol. I almost forgot! I got your postcard today!!! Thank you!!!
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July 1st, 2014 at 4:02 pm
If there’s alcohol involved I’m there.
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July 1st, 2014 at 5:23 pm
I think that’s what’s needed here, definitely.
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July 2nd, 2014 at 6:58 am
Always.
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July 1st, 2014 at 4:34 pm
Tried it for about two minutes, take an hour to clean the juicer 😉
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July 1st, 2014 at 5:25 pm
I know! And of course, the knife and the cutting board and my hands and the mess I made in the floor…
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July 1st, 2014 at 4:52 pm
I think a cat threw up in your blender.
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July 1st, 2014 at 5:25 pm
I would not put it past them. Not at all.
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July 1st, 2014 at 7:11 pm
Apparently shit is just better when you suck it. Ask men, they’re all about that. But for fuck sake, quit posting that picture of a glass of urp.
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July 1st, 2014 at 7:25 pm
Lol. I just get such a kick out of it though. People respond to that picture of vomit better than anything else I’ve ever posted — which, now that I think about it, is kind of insulting.
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July 1st, 2014 at 9:18 pm
In my experience, it depends on the juicer and the juice combo. My former roommate made some surprisingly tasty carrot-apple-something juice concoction. Less gross juice combos are out there.
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July 2nd, 2014 at 11:30 am
I have a vague memory of someone making me a carrot-something-something drink years ago and it wasn’t bad…I guess I just need to figure out wth I’m doing!
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July 2nd, 2014 at 10:27 am
That photo of your first juicing effort made me throw up in my mouth a little.
Just put a little lettuce on a burger and be done with it, willya?
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July 2nd, 2014 at 11:32 am
That seems to be the general consensus. I’ve gotten many comments from people who do not find my efforts at juicing appealing.
I actually drank some of that.
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July 2nd, 2014 at 12:08 pm
You drank… Ugh.
I threw up in my mouth once again.
Will you please stop talking?
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July 2nd, 2014 at 12:49 pm
I can’t help myself. If we lived near each other I’d make you one too.
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July 2nd, 2014 at 1:07 pm
Then I take back my suggestion that you move to New Jersey. Sigh. We coulda been pals.
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July 2nd, 2014 at 3:23 pm
Hahahaha! I’m sorry that your smoothie did not turn out…did you put it in a blender? Because I have a juicer too and it tells me that I need a blender for things like bananas and nuts etc…..not to put it through the juicer. We did a Kale Pineapple Juice once (added some apples too because it got a little tart) and then used the left over pulp to make muffins. They were a little strange with the kale in the muffin, but it was like extra special breakfast that you didn’t have to chew while you were drinking (ie how I find some of those smoothies to be).
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July 2nd, 2014 at 6:45 pm
I have a NutriBullet…clearly I am not sure how to use it, lol. Kale in the muffin! Like that lady, Seinfield’s wife, who purees veggies into everything. I always thought that was a pretty good idea, if I could get it past anyone around here.
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July 3rd, 2014 at 6:54 am
Luckily my kids are good eaters when it comes to fruits and veggies, but we do some of those sneaky chef recipes too. One of the favorites (which I’ve tricked many people into eating) are black bean avocado brownies from Ambitious Kitchen (http://www.ambitiouskitchen.com/2012/11/black-bean-avocado-chocolate-chip-fudge-brownies-gluten-free-low-fat/) I sub applesauce for the oil and use about half of a bag of chocolate chips instead of the moderate 1/3 cup.
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July 3rd, 2014 at 8:39 am
That sounds incredibly gross, but fun to try, lol. I’m trying to get some healthy stuff down my gullet, cause I’m losing too much weight with this no-meat diet thing. I have been making this thing where I just take about six different kinds of beans and season it like tacos, then put cheese on it and eat it with chips. But I know I’m not getting enough “leafy greens.” Hence the juicer. I think I’ll give it another go with maybe just a pinch of green at first!
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July 6th, 2014 at 7:09 pm
If you like chocolate brownies, but are unsure of the beans and avocado, you might want to try this one from the Sneaky Chef. It has blueberries and spinach hidden inside: http://www.thesneakychef.com/free_recipe_brawny_brownies.php
Either way, good luck!
Oh, and have you ever watched Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead? You might get some new ideas on juicing from their website and it’s a really great documentary.
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July 7th, 2014 at 2:40 pm
Never seen it, but I’ll try to remember to check it out. Can you just make me some brownies?
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July 8th, 2014 at 8:37 am
It’s on Netflix for an easy find and I would be happy to make you some brownies to eat while watching! 🙂
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July 4th, 2014 at 1:19 pm
I bought a juicer at the first of the year and used it for a couple of weeks. Some of the juices were delicious — others (mainly the green ones) were horrible. If you added fruit (which is necessary to make it taste decent), then the carbs and calories went up. My juicer is now in my garage — only taken out when my grandbaby comes to visit, because she thinks it is cool to put fruit in there and have nummy juice come out.
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July 5th, 2014 at 7:35 am
I’m getting geared up to try again. I feel like I have to use it enough for it to pay for itself, anyway. Wish me luck!
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July 11th, 2014 at 7:05 pm
Okay, I need to butt in here. I am INSANELY picky. And I live on smoothies. I have one almost every day. And I love juicing too.
I have a masticating juicer and do wheatgrass shots. I also LOVE carrot apple juice. It is amazing.
My favorite two smoothies are frozen bananas, frozen pineapple, and frozen berries mixed with orange juice (no ice).
Or frozen bananas with kale (fresh or frozen) and apple juice (again, no ice).
My main ingredient in my smoothies is bananas because it makes them creamier. I am a bit of a fanatic, but feel free to email me if you want any recommendations.
I had a banana kale smoothie just now for dinner.
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July 12th, 2014 at 8:22 am
Thanks! I’m trying it again. I started reading the book that came with it and realized that I’m supposed to grind my “boost” nuts and stuff to powder before I put them in. So that might help, lol.
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