Shit My Family Says, Round 3

So, you know how after you have kids, you spend countless hours teaching them right from wrong and how to behave and grow into healthy, contributing members of society? And then you take them out in public and in less than 5 seconds they can make you look like a complete asshat or worse?

That happens a lot around here.

My daughter is 5 and she’s having some trouble separating what is real from what is imaginary.  And by “having trouble,” I mean she’s a little liar.

I’m kidding, I’m kidding.

Kind of.

I don’t think she means to be naughty; in fact, I’m pretty sure she’s trying to be funny. We’re a jokey bunch, so that’s not surprising. But she doesn’t get jokes yet. At least, not how to tell them.

A knock-knock joke from this kid can last an hour. Then you get to the end and of course it’s not funny, but you laugh, cause she’s your kid. Then she says something about someone’s flatulence and that actually is funny, so you laugh.

Then you go out to eat and she tells the strangers at the next table that a) her mommy didn’t make her wear shorts under her dress this time so it’s just panties – wanna see? and b) mommy thinks it’s funny when someone farts.

Everyone laughs at this, so of course she continues to over share. Eventually she runs out of embarrassing but true stories and moves on to totally made up ones.

Such as:

“My mommy goes crazy, like an ape, like a mad, crazy monkey ape.”

“I know that, because I am a smart Alec.”

“We’re all werewolves.  We got bit.  Came in right through the window.”

“I don’t like my brothers because that’s how my mommy made me while I was in her tummy.”

What?  I wish I knew how I managed that, cause I would’ve made her not like any boys.  Ever.

no-boys-480

Or she might just make up a song.  Her songs are generally very amusing and mostly even rhyme.

Then you’ve got the ones like this that make you want to crawl under a table and hide.  For the rest of your life. “It’s an adventure in your mouth, it’s a magical bed louse.” Over and over.

I have no fucking idea.

But I have been told that I also made up songs as a child.  Though I wasn’t so imaginative, I did enjoy performing one-word ditties in front of a packed restaurant.  I’ll give you a hint: It rhymed with duck, duck, duck.  Over and over.

I guess over sharing also runs in the family, because my boys were the same way.  Once one of them (not to name any names) announced to a friend of mine that he had “just pooped a whale.”

Now that they are older, if they say anything to embarrass me, it’s on purpose and I assure you it is all lies.  Like when they tell people that I don’t feed them.  Or that they only like burnt pizza because “that’s how they were raised.”

I’m basically terrified to take them anywhere.

About Steph

I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often. View all posts by Steph

47 responses to “Shit My Family Says, Round 3

  • REDdog

    Haaa, kids are freaking hilarious and terrifying all at the same time. It’s been nearly a decade since we had a 5 year old running around dobbing us in for every little thing we did or said. Actually, we wrote a bunch of that stuff down in a note book and occasionally get it out and read some of the funny shit they got up to. I figure it’ll make great wedding speech material too…pay backs are a bitch, heh heh.

  • Jess Lewis of mass destruction

    snorted into laughter. twice. cory thinks im nuts. ok. MORE nuts.

  • Michelle

    I just spent the week with my granddaughter. We went to Target to get sidewalk chalk. Only my 3 year old granddaughter pronounces chalk with a hard ‘c’….so while we were in the store she was saying very loudly..

    Gaga! Let’s go get some chalk
    We’re getting some chalk
    We love chalk

    only she wasn’t saying chalk. It was freaking HILARIOUS. It’s so much better when it’s a grandkid..I wasn’t remotely embarrassed.

  • Samara

    Now that my kid is almost 11, I LIVE to embarrass him. I figure it’s payback from all the crap he subjected me to when he was five.

    Payback is a bitch. hahahaha

  • Sean Smithson

    Man, your daughter sounds like a real laugh. That scene at the restaurant was priceless!

    You should let her guest post some time?

    • Steph

      She’s a hoot. I was thinking you had a really great idea there, then she just now told me I sounded like a troll. So maybe not. I might get the whole family together and have them write one…I’d be interested to see what they had to say, and of course, I could always edit it, lol.

  • merbear74

    This reminds me of my kids little song when she was 2, and we were at the grocery store..”Shit, shit shit….” No idea where she picked that up.

  • Mental Mama

    Ah yes, further validation that my decision NOT to breed was a good one. 😉

  • Jessica Long

    My 5 year old son loves to say “literally” and “son of a bitch”. I know where he got one of those, the other is a complete mystery!

  • Cindi

    WHAT a great way to start my Monday. I’m still laughing.

    And thank heavens I didn’t have coffee in my mouth when I read “pooped a whale” …

  • Desire

    LOL that is totally cringeworthy!

  • heylookawriterfellow

    And why have you not yet posted a video of your daughter’s “Adventure in Your Mouth” song?

    • Steph

      I don’t have a video of that one..(thank God).

      I *do* have a video of her and my oldest doing some improv that I think is amazing…but I’ve been hesitant to share it. Maybe I will soon.

  • Cassandra

    My ten year old son is now trying his hand at “sarcastacism”. To mixed results.

  • gluestickmum

    My friend – I swear it was a friend, honest! – worked as a masseuse. Of the legit kind. Again, honest. Yet it didn’t come across as quite so legit when her daughter announced to her nursery class that ‘Mummy has men come round and they take their clothes off and she rubs then. Then they pay her.’
    Again, it wasn’t me, so it was freakin’ hysterical…although not so funny for her.
    I LOVE other people’s kids.
    You sound like you were adorable too.

    • Steph

      Oh, that is great! Poor Mummy! When Thing 2 was about 3 years old, I did something and I cannot for the life of me think what, but whatever it was, it caused him to tell his grandmother that I was a stripper. Of course, he didn’t know what a “stripper” was, but I WAS NOT one and his grandma about lost it.

      • gluestickmum

        Hahaha!
        Like my sister, who got her pronunciation wrong, and told our great grandma that her teddy was called Fucking Some Teddy (rather than Sucking Thumb)! Not sure who nearly had the biggest heart attack: Great Grandma or my mum!

  • stef

    Ahh…Too funny. I remember that age so well. Mine are 15 and 18 now, so they’re hilarious in whole different ways, but I keep remembering things they used to say.

    One that sticks in my mind was when my oldest was learning to talk, and I was driving with her one day. I’m not a polite driver–in the sense that I say whatever I think about other drivers, although I *drive* politely.

    I didn’t realize she’d parrot what I said, so imagine my surprise when I said something snarky to a woman driver in front of me, which rhymed with “Stupid witch!” Then I heard a tiny voice from the back seat, repeating it!

    Fortunately her memory was not long, so I didn’t hear any reruns, but there’s that time when you’re always wondering if it will resurface at, say, Sunday school. *claps hand over mouth*

    gahhh

    • Steph

      Oh, I know just what you mean. There is enough age difference between my two oldest and my youngest that my potty mouth had time to grow back – a lot. It’s not been so great, lol.

  • Liz

    Any attention is good seems to be their policy. And yes, what’s with the knock-knock jokes that go on forever and don’t make sense. Either that or when I say “who’s there?” according to my daughter it always seems to be someone named “Butt.”

    • Steph

      Butt is always knocking, lol. They do drone on sometimes, don’t they? I get confused because I’m not listening and end up saying “knock knock” when I’m supposed to say “who’s there” and get in trouble.

  • Jodi

    I have 3 kids. The older two are 3 and 4 1/2. One thing that worries me, I mean like 100% terrifies me! is children’s sermons at church…. 5 minutes of unfiltered and unstoppable comments from little mouths. I thank god every day the youngest is to little to talk yet.

  • Rebekah Miller

    Lol at the “adventure in your mouth it’s a magical bed louse.” That sounds like something my 9 or 11yr old would run around the house singing. They say equally amazing things, but have gotten over making embarrassing declarations to strangers.

    • Steph

      So there’s hope for me then? That’s good to know.

      • Rebekah Miller

        At about age 7 the embarrassing declarations to strangers slowed down and has stopped completely. My guys are still crazy pants-es who say silly things and/or run crying down the tampon aisle of Target but I have a feeling I’ll miss these days when they enter the terrible teens.

  • Café Jour

    Kids say the craziest things!

  • BobbieAshley

    One of the most awesome ways to tell if your kid is lying. A great little technique that worked like a charm until mine were about 8 or 9.
    Tell them, that their tongue turns black when they lie.
    Tell them that only parents and grand-parents can see it. You see the key is… when they lie, ask to see their tongue, if they know they are lying, they will only show you a little bit of tongue. If they are not, you get the full view of said tongue.
    Works every time! Start em young, but you probably can still squeeze a couple good years out with this technique. As a parent, you still walk on water at this age.
    Cheers,
    Bobbie

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