A couple of weeks ago I agreed to go with the Pre-K on their field trip to a drive-thru safari.
I know. I’m insane.
Anyway. Parents weren’t allowed on the bus (thank god), so I had to drive myself. Since it was about a two-hour trip, I told the teacher I’d have to stop and stretch a few times. Luckily for me, it turned out to be a big craft fair weekend, so my stretches took place at little yard sales along the way.
After that, I got lost once and had to wait for a train twice, so I ended up missing the bus tour of the drive-thru part of the safari. I made it just in time for lunch and walking around what basically amounted to a huge farm with one bathroom and about 500 kids under 5 years old.
The kids had an absolute blast, the animals seemed used to all the fuss, and I learned a few valuable lessons.
1. If a monkey has a pacifier in its mouth, there is probably a good reason for it. We thought this little guy was so cute…until he started pulling on his monkey penis right in front of all the little kids. Try explaining that to a 5-year-0ld girl. I think I said something like, “What the — oh, look, a giraffe!”
Degenerate Monkey.
2. Giraffes have the longest, prettiest eyelashes I have ever seen. Also, they seem very dainty for something 20 feet tall.
Also, I think she’s British. We were feeding her lettuce, but I feel like she really wanted a cup o’ tea.
3. This tiny monkey is wearing a diaper (and I guess we all know why). I think generally he gets to be held and petted, but much like the kangaroos, was not up for the horde of little people who descended that day.
A baby monkey, tearing your heart out with his tiny sad face.
*Note: I’m beginning to wonder if there’s something wrong with me. When we went to a different zoo-like place about a month ago, I asked my husband if he noticed that a particular ape-creature had gigantic balls. He was horrified and claimed not to have “been looking.” I don’t know how you could have missed them. Also, have you seen a rhinoceros up close? Jesus Christ.
4. Goats can be very judgmental. This goat is judging me right now.
What the fuck is wrong with you, lady, walking around looking at monkey privates?
All in all, it was a fun day, even if I did learn a bit too much about animal anatomy.
We Don't Chew Glass 
May 15th, 2014 at 1:33 pm
HAHAHAH. I would have noticed the balls.
We were at the zoo and the otters were ‘frisky’…some kid said..Look mom! They’re fighting.
Ummm…I don’t think that’s what they were doing. It did start with an F though.
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May 15th, 2014 at 2:13 pm
LOL! Right, Michelle? I knew you would. I’m going to need you to go on all field trips with me from now on. We will have SUCH fun.
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May 15th, 2014 at 2:03 pm
Your blog should be way more popular than it is. Now.
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May 15th, 2014 at 2:12 pm
Jodee! Thank you. I’m bout to cry. I have been down, down, down, and this just made me feel warm and fuzzy. Thank you, you sweetheart.
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May 15th, 2014 at 2:45 pm
mice have huge balls. its unnatural.
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May 15th, 2014 at 2:50 pm
What?! Really? Shit, now I have to go look for mice balls on the internet. Thanks, Jess. Thanks a whole hell of a lot.
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May 15th, 2014 at 2:48 pm
Wicked meme. And nice save on the monkey penis!
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May 15th, 2014 at 2:51 pm
Haha, yes, I am crazy good under pressure. Like when a monkey is masturbating in front of my daughter.
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May 15th, 2014 at 2:52 pm
That’ll do it!
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May 15th, 2014 at 2:55 pm
I had a gorilla fling poo at me and my daughter years ago. Not as good as a penis, but oh well.
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May 15th, 2014 at 3:00 pm
Gross! They really do that? All the kids were petting the camels until I asked, “Don’t camels spit?” and then they all ran. The camels didn’t spit. They just looked at me like I was an asshole.
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May 15th, 2014 at 3:03 pm
Oh, they do! My daughter was mesmerized by it, she was maybe 4.
Camels think everyone’s an asshole.
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May 15th, 2014 at 3:07 pm
In their defense, I *am* kind of an asshole.
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May 15th, 2014 at 3:08 pm
So am I. lmao
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May 15th, 2014 at 3:53 pm
A degenerate monkey – hmm, I think I might live with one of those. 😉
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May 15th, 2014 at 3:56 pm
Haha! Yeah, me too.
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May 15th, 2014 at 5:04 pm
Seriously, why are you looking at monkey nuts?
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May 15th, 2014 at 5:41 pm
I think I have a problem. And it’s that I am about as mature as a 12-year-old boy.
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May 15th, 2014 at 6:26 pm
That’s not a problem….
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May 15th, 2014 at 5:31 pm
Ah, thank goodness it isn’t just me! http://gluestickmum.wordpress.com/2014/04/16/family-days-out-are-a-big-mistake-3-the-zoo/
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May 15th, 2014 at 5:44 pm
Lol! I just checked you out and, no, it’s definitely not just you!
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May 15th, 2014 at 5:50 pm
🙂
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May 15th, 2014 at 5:36 pm
Jesus the comments were as funny as the post. Thanks for the much-needed laughs on what had turned out to be kind of a shitty day. We spent a lot of time at the zoo when my oldest was a baby/toddler, because he got up at ungodly hours of the morning, and the zoo was open from sun up to sun down, and practically empty before 10 a.m. We’d take him there and he could run around without running into people, and we could all look at animals. Never saw a monkey masturbating. We were judged by a LOT of animals, though. Giant tortoises are HIGHLY judgmental, based on their facial expressions.
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May 15th, 2014 at 5:46 pm
Ha! You are so welcome. Turtles in general just look grumpy, don’t they? I didn’t see any tortoises this time, probably because I wouldn’t go in the room with the snakes. I see enough of those at home.
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May 15th, 2014 at 8:08 pm
They look like assholes. Actually, I sort of feel like maybe I look like a tortoise. But I guess that’s about right–I’m also sort of an asshole.
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May 15th, 2014 at 9:06 pm
Did you know that there are monkeys out there that have blue balls — I mean, their balls are actually a beautiful ice blue color! I learn shit like that when I write blog posts about monkey balls — and I spend way too much time online looking at monkey balls instead of writing about sushi. I may be a bit of a perv.
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May 16th, 2014 at 8:40 am
No! I knew there were those baboons with the colorful bums…I’ve got some googling to do. And, I need to go read your post about monkey balls if I haven’t already (there’s that memory problem again.) You’re a loveable perv, though Jana, and I do adore you! *hugs*
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May 17th, 2014 at 8:57 pm
Right back atcha girlfriend!
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May 16th, 2014 at 7:56 am
Your husband is fibbing. It is impossible to not notice freakishly large animal testicles. This is why zoos were invented, I think.
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May 16th, 2014 at 8:45 am
Ha! I knew it. He just likes to give me grief. And I bet you are right. Because it’s not just me and you who are weird about overly-endowed wildlife.
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May 16th, 2014 at 3:00 pm
You never noticed squirrels? they love to flash an eyeful, “who’s looking at you kid?” 🙂
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May 27th, 2014 at 11:36 am
I just found this languishing in my spam folder! So sorry! And, no, I can’t say that I’ve ever seen squirrel nuts, lol.
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May 27th, 2014 at 11:37 am
He was a rather bold squirrel! 😉
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May 17th, 2014 at 1:48 pm
Cute post! I’m stopping by from the SITS Sharefest.
Thanks
Angie
PS – I would also like to invite you to a blog hop called: “The Great Blog Train” –we are travelling to Hawaii & visit our Dining Car for a great recipe! Thank you! http://www.godsgrowinggarden.com/2014/05/the-great-blog-train-17-giveaway.html
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May 19th, 2014 at 7:53 am
Thanks for coming by and for the invite. 🙂
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May 18th, 2014 at 3:27 pm
Who doesn’t check out the goods on animals? I mean, hulllooooo, they’re all huge and hangy right in front of you. I sometimes feel bad for animals with GIANT nads. Doesn’t that look uncomfortable? Said Beth, while she lifted her giant mamms out of her lap.
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May 19th, 2014 at 7:58 am
LOL! There’s something to be thankful for — at least we don’t have large, hangy balls. Still laughing. Thanks Beth.
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May 28th, 2014 at 1:17 pm
“What the fuck is wrong with you, lady, walking around looking at monkey privates?” OMFG. I spit out my coffee at this one. I totally would have been looking at the monkey balls too.
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May 28th, 2014 at 6:35 pm
How could you *not* look? That goat was just a judgmental dick.
(Wow, I just cannot stop talking about animals and their parts.)
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September 24th, 2014 at 9:37 am
Good Lord woman, you should see the wang on a Clydesdale! You want to talk about embarrassing. Lol. Good times with pre schoolers. God love ya for volunteering.
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September 24th, 2014 at 10:15 am
Lol! Yes, at least the monkey had a tiny toy to play with. And I won’t be volunteering again any time soon; at least not until I grow out of my inappropriate sense of humor.
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September 24th, 2014 at 10:46 am
Hilarious! Stop Staring at My Monkey Junk should be a song.
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September 24th, 2014 at 11:43 am
Lol. I’ll be singing that all day. My husband will thank you, I’m sure.
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September 24th, 2014 at 11:26 am
There is nothing wrong with noticing the big man parts on a primate as long as you don’t engage in activity that needs banjos as background music with said primates. Though, I think you could get in trouble if you took actual pictures of monkey junk, but only in states not ending in ucky, ama, or, iana.
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September 24th, 2014 at 11:45 am
Thank you! I think Arkansas should probably be included on that list as well.
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