This is our first Christmas with a cat. I was expecting some Christmas tree shenanigans, but was pleasantly surprised at Leeloo’s great restraint.
Then I wrapped her present and put it under the tree. Her catnip-stuffed present.
I woke up to her circling the tree in a wild-eyed frenzy, batting at ornaments haphazardly, but with no apparent joy. We adopted Leeloo, so who really knows what sort of shit she was into on the streets. I’m not judging. But I’ve seen junkies who didn’t look as desperate as this cat.
You may find it hard to believe, but this is not the first time my Christmas spirit has gotten in the way of good sense.
There was the year when I decided to give my mom hermit crabs and a plant as a gift. Both of which I bought weeks before Christmas, wrapped, and put under the tree. You’re welcome, Mom. Please enjoy these dead things.
I swear, it never even occurred to me that they would die without food or water. Or oxygen.
Then there was the
first Christmas that I fortified myself with antianxiety medication before the family gathering. It went well. So well that afterwards I told my little brother, “Wow! I love those guys. Everyone was so cool tonight, I probably didn’t even need that Xanax.”
One Christmas when I was a moody teenager (and had yet to be prescribed the calm-the-eff-downs) I got furious with my dad and, in the heat of the moment, decided his Christmas present was going for a swim. It was a toolbox. Quite a chore getting it out of the pool once I calmed down. That’s actually maybe the most effort I’ve ever put into a gift, if you count drying it out and all. Anytime, Dad, anytime.
There was the Christmas that I made bath products for my extended family and some friends. They smelled wonderful and were so pretty. It was sad that I didn’t think to test them out until it was too late. It was also embarrassing to have to call people and say, “Oh, about the gift, it’s just decorative, okay? DO NOT LET IT TOUCH YOUR SKIN.”
I’m not even going to go into the Christmas when Santa brought the kids a trampoline. Yes, I made my husband and my dad put together a 16 foot trampoline in the dark, in the cold, in the snow, on Christmas Eve. And they did it, because they love me. Or because I’m scary. Whatever.
This Christmas I’m going to try use my head for something other than testing to see if the pancake griddle is hot. Because that freaking hurts.
December 19th, 2013 at 4:33 am
You’re my hero.
December 19th, 2013 at 5:07 am
Aw! You’re mine too. Btw, we are artists, we are allowed to not bathe and stuff. It’s like a law.
December 19th, 2013 at 4:36 am
We dont put up a tree. We are defeatists. ( the cats have won, what have they won you ask? well they have won the right not to puke plastic pine needles on my floor…or balls
December 19th, 2013 at 4:37 am
btw that meant the cats dont puke balls, either, not the cats dont puke pine needles on MY balls.
December 19th, 2013 at 5:10 am
Thanks for clarifying that. I too do not want a cat puking balls or on balls or basically anything to do with balls or puke. But if I had your cat with the mustache, I’d do whatever he told me to do.
December 19th, 2013 at 5:00 pm
Too funny! (we didn’t decorate the tree with some of my oldest glass ornaments this year, because we too have a new cat who I don’t trust yet).
I made homemade laundry soap this year for everyone, but unfortunately I sent it in glass canning jars in the boxes to far-away relatives along with scones and JAMS AND JELLIES. (why that? WHY didn’t I send candles, like I planned?).
The glass jars full of jam and the glass jars full of ‘laundry sauce’ look exactly the same–so I had to totally give away the gift, when I wrote in the card “The ‘laundry sauce’ is for washing your clothes. It’s not to spread on the scones.”
Hope they read the cards FIRST, or I’m going to have some explaining to do…
I’ve always felt I should come with a warning label myself.
December 19th, 2013 at 5:43 pm
It must be the name. We were just born hazardous. We can’t help it. 😉
December 19th, 2013 at 8:44 pm
Oh, I adore you. You just made coffee spray out of my nose – which I think would normally hurt, but the choking somehow counteracted the pain sensors. So, while I now have to clean up my dining room table and probably take some sinus meds, just know it was worth it. Well, you already know that seeing as you experienced the reasons for…point is, you rock. BTW, yeah, cats go a bit nutty when ya put catnip under the tree. Try waking up to the mess caused by 4 cats over that very slight faux pas. Exactly.
December 19th, 2013 at 11:04 pm
Why, thank you! I just hate it when I spray coffee. We should stop drinking and reading! It’s just not safe. Four cats! I was thinking I needed another cat, but I’m pretty sure at this point it would be an either/or – like, either my husband OR another animal. 🙂
December 19th, 2013 at 11:20 pm
Yeah, well, animals don’t actually talk back. Always here to help. 😉
The four cats (and a dog) weren’t my idea, just to be clear lol. I’m OK with 2 cats, but hub’s a sap. I told him if he even considers bringing another critter into this house, I’ll start cutting off his body parts to feed to the current ones. I said I’d start with the big toes, but it’s all random from there.
He agreed we’re done with pets. Funny how that happened.
December 20th, 2013 at 1:15 pm
That’s a good point. But my husband can change light bulbs without even standing on his tiptoes, so I’ve got to keep him somewhat happy.
December 21st, 2013 at 5:11 am
Too funny! Leeloo reminds me of my cats — just today I got to clean up cake puke decorated with curly ribbon one of my cats decided to have as a snack. Sigh.
December 21st, 2013 at 5:11 am
Ummm…that should be “cat puke” — cake puke is something I don’t even want to contemplate.
December 21st, 2013 at 11:56 pm
I don’t know…I might not mind cleaning up cat puke so much if it was more festive.
December 23rd, 2013 at 8:11 pm
Xanax always helps with family gatherings. Really. Don’t forget or attempt.
December 23rd, 2013 at 9:24 pm
Oh, I’ve learned that lesson, believe me.
December 24th, 2013 at 8:28 pm
You win for my favorite Christmas story that I’ve read today. YOU WRAPPED HERMIT CRABS?! AAAHHH hahahahahaha I’m so happy right now, I just can’t even…
December 25th, 2013 at 2:48 pm
*blushing* I know, right? It seems so obviously a bad idea now…
December 26th, 2013 at 4:11 pm
Hahahhah…I think we might be related.
December 26th, 2013 at 4:24 pm
That would be awesome. And probably dangerous.