When my boys were little I used to always cut their hair. We live in the south, they are boys, buzz, buzz, save 1o bucks. No big deal.
Thing 1 was about 7 or 8 when he sat down in the chair in my kitchen, towel over his shoulders, ready for a haircut. I had the clippers in one hand and, unfortunately, the phone in the other. I made one pass over the center of his head and quietly hung up the phone.
A lot like this, but with less happy.
That was the last time I cut anyone’s hair until my daughter was about 3. She had never had a haircut. Her hair was long and golden and so, so soft. So long that it was getting in the toilet when she went to the bathroom. So my husband and I decided to cut the wispy baby hair off, just the bottom 4 inches or so. We talked about it, and for some reason, I have no idea why, decided that I could do it.
Even I can tell that this is not straight.
It makes me cringe just to look at the picture. How in the hell? Anyway, obviously after we got done freaking out, we took her and got it fixed. It was a little shorter than we wanted, but it was reasonably straight.
So after that debacle, I had no intention of ever cutting anybody’s hair EVER again.
But my husband is a pain in my ass. He cuts his own hair, and then badgers me until I trim the back of his neck and around his ears. Every time I put it off as long as possible. Every time I tell him I’m going to mess it up, and inevitably, I do.
Friday night I was working and he comes in and sets up a chair in my office. I knew what was about to happen. After he gets done and there’s a pile of hair in the floor he asks me if I’m ready.
I keep typing.
He starts playing a tune with the clippers. Bzzz.Bzz.Bzz.Bz.Bz.Bzzzzzz.Bz.Bz.
Me: *sigh* OKAY!
So I go over and grab the clippers and as usual, I have no idea what I’m doing and I start to freak out.
Me: So…I can’t remember…how high up do I go?
Husband: Okay. You got this. Find where you would make fun of me if I cut it up that high and where it still looks messy, and cut right in the middle of that. (Seriously? Those are fucking terrible instructions.)
Me: Hmm. Okay. Buzzzzzzzzzz.
Silence.
Me: Ahem. I think I went too high. It’s kind of…I think I went too high.
Husband: You made me look like a dork on purpose, didn’t you?
Me: No I didn’t! I have told you and told you that I am not good at this! I don’t know why you keep making me do it!
Husband: Because I expect anybody, if they do something over and over again, to get better at it each time, not worse!
Trying to trim around his ears, I may have been a little rough. I was upset, and also laughing.
Husband: Is there something wrong with my ears?
Me: No. Not with your ears.
Husband: Just what’s between them? (He knows me really well.)
Me: Exactly.
We Don't Chew Glass 
December 9th, 2013 at 9:08 pm
lol, You sound like me. Our youngest cuts my husband’s hair because, after 26 years, I still won’t go near his head with scissors–Ok, yes, I will occasionally DO the thing where I try to trim up his neck line or around his ears, but I refuse to learn to actually CUT hair. Just…no.
Never be good at something you don’t want added to the list of things that are now also: “Your Job”. 😀 Works for me.
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December 10th, 2013 at 2:46 am
Totally! I don’t need another job! Especially one that requires hand-eye coordination.
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December 9th, 2013 at 11:57 pm
LOLZ!
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December 10th, 2013 at 2:56 am
I know, right? My husband really needs to get his shit together.
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December 10th, 2013 at 5:32 am
Haha 🙂 This made me laugh 🙂 I think I would be the exact same way if I ever tried cutting hair.
Sarah Allen
(From Sarah, with Joy)
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December 10th, 2013 at 8:07 pm
Thanks! Don’t try it.
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December 10th, 2013 at 6:59 pm
I believe your husband and my husband may be blood related. That was a joke, but it still made me giggle. Yes, I’m a total stranger and yes, I’ve stalked you from another blog. It happens.
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December 10th, 2013 at 8:08 pm
I looooove stalkers. And I don’t know really whether to say “congrats” or “I’m sorry” about the husband thing. 😉
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December 10th, 2013 at 9:01 pm
Ya know, I *was* going to say you and I could have been parted at birth, but I didn’t want to scare you too early. So, I blamed the hubs. They deserve it. 😉
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December 11th, 2013 at 12:05 am
Literally lol’d. You’re lucky I didn’t have anything in my mouth, missy, or I’d need a new keyboard. Again.
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December 10th, 2013 at 8:03 pm
My mother MADE me cut her hair once. It was horrible. Truly spectacularly horrible. And she was mad when it looked bad. I think I was around 15 or 16 at the time.
At least she never asked a second time
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December 10th, 2013 at 8:11 pm
Oh dear! You would think that after I continually fuck up, my husband would stop asking me to do it.
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December 11th, 2013 at 2:59 am
Haha! My boyfriend has brought this up a few times… all “you should trim the hair on the back of my neck” as though all women are somehow born with this innate female ability. So far I have managed to get out of it each time but I’m sure a day is coming… a day when the strength of our relationship will truly be tested… Because I can already know this isn’t going to end prettily.
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December 11th, 2013 at 3:34 am
I’m glad it’s not just me. You should tell him that you don’t feel comfortable using the electric shaver, but you’d be happy to wax the back of his neck, because you’re just selfless like that. And then tell me how it goes.
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December 11th, 2013 at 3:58 am
Hahahahahahahaha just be on the lookout for a future blog post: “That Time I Waxed My Boyfriend’s Neck.”
Sure to be memorable…
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December 11th, 2013 at 4:27 am
YES!!!
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December 17th, 2013 at 9:34 pm
I cut a friend’s hair once. Not long afterwards, he ended up in the psych ward of the local hospital. I am still hoping that those two things are unrelated but at the same time, still feel remotely responsible.
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December 17th, 2013 at 11:16 pm
Wow! But, seriously, if a bad haircut could push someone over the edge, I think it’s safe to say they were pretty close anyway.
P.S. I hope your friend is better now.
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December 17th, 2013 at 9:36 pm
Never, Never would I attempt to cut my kids hair. I know they would end up bald and blame me forever!
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December 17th, 2013 at 11:10 pm
See, it would be good if I could come to decisions like those without the whole trial and error – mostly error – process. 😉
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January 13th, 2014 at 8:04 pm
I feel for your husband and children. In my family we called it the dreaded ‘mom bangs.’ She basically ruined my social life with her home haircuts.
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January 14th, 2014 at 7:59 am
Don’t feel sorry for them! They are on a slow, insidious campaign to drive me more crazy, I just know it. Especially the big one, the husband one.
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