Tag Archives: snakes

October 25, 2013

What? It still kind of seems like a good idea.

By Steph

Conversation with my husband about glue traps:

*It might be helpful to know that the glue trap in question here is stuck facedown on my porch with a dead snake presumably still stuck on the other side. Long story. Suffice to say, I don’t like snakes in the house, and I make questionable decisions when under pressure.

Me: It’s rained so much, we might be able to get that glue trap up. But there’s still a snake under there, so…

Him: That thing is never coming up. I suggest we just paint over it.

Me: Hm. (Not thrilled.)

Him: We could just staple glue traps up, sticky side out, all over the outside of the house. Paper the house in glue traps.

Me: OH MY GOD! That would be good for spiders, snakes, ZOMBIES…..

Him: (laughing) That was a joke.

Me: ….bees, Jehovah’s Witnesses….this is brilliant.

Him: We’re not doing that. You know that, right?

Me: Hm. (Not making any promises, mister.)

Later…..

Me: I decided that you are right. We shouldn’t cover the outside of the house with glue.

Him: Uh, yeah, I thought we already decided that.

Me: (closing the cabinet door so he can see the glue trap taped to the door, and the bowl stuck on it, hanging in the air.) No, we didn’t decide anything, but I’m a reasonable person. I’ve thought about it, and it’s a bad idea. (bowl hanging next to my face.)

Him: Reasonable!? It’s not “reasonable” when you only agree with yourself!

Me: Hm.

2 Comments | tags: glue traps, great ideas, home defense, Jehovah's Witnesses, safety, snakes, zombies | posted in nature hates me, total chaos

October 7, 2013

I need to borrow a mongoose. Immediately.

By Steph

Initially, I thought honey badger, because as we all know, honey badgers don’t give a fuck.

But apparently they are illegal in the U.S. or some shit; although, whoever is in charge of stopping me from smuggling in non-fuck-giving animals is probably out of a job right now, so I bet I could pull it off.

I’m kind of scared though. After thinking about it (you’re welcome, Gus) I decided that a honey badger in the house might be more scary than a snake. Or snakes. Which is what we currently have.

Goddammit! I live in the country because I don’t like people. I did NOT issue an open invitation to anything poisonous, scaly, creepy, slithery, or slimy. Basically, unless you are a dragon or a cat, you are not welcome here.

And the cat is fast wearing out her welcome. I’d like to know just what the FUCK she is doing when she’s dashing all about the house like she’s got super important shit to do, when I’m on the couch and a snake can just blatantly slither up to me. Where was LeeLoo The Vicious Moth Killer and Protector of the Realm then, huh? Sitting on her ASS. Much like when a lizard got in my bedroom, and she PURPOSELY ignored my cries for help.

I don’t know. I’m being overrun by nature’s most disgusting creatures right now. I need some tips, or to borrow a mongoose.