Category Archives: random bullshit

October 12, 2013

Voicemail blows and I just realized I’m not sure what century it is.

By Steph

I am starting a movement, and I expect my readers to get behind me on this (all 12 of you).

We are living in the 21st century (I think.  21st?  Does that sound right?  Whatever.)  Voicemails are old fucking news.  Effective immediately, we should all start completely ignoring them.  I’m a little ahead of the rest of you on this, but that’s because I got a pretty good head start (about 5 years).

Seriously.  No one ever leaves a chipper voicemail.  It’s all cranky bullshit, like “Call me back.  Click.” or “Please return my call.”  Fuck that.  I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.   Occasionally my husband will just leave fart noises, but that’s really as good as it gets.

If you call me and I don’t answer, I can pretty much guarantee that there is a reason.  Maybe I don’t feel like talking.  Maybe I don’t have cell service.  Maybe a purse monster ate my phone.  Maybe I’m in the bathroom.  Maybe I don’t like you, or I’m having one of those days where I hate everyone, including myself.  The possibilities are endless, really.

Anyway, leaving me 15 voicemails, each pissier (how can that not be a word?) than the last is NOT going to make me return your call.

I have caller ID.  We all do. 

For fuck’s sake, if it’s that important send me a text.  Or a pigeon.  I would totally reply by messenger bird.

Okay, enough ranting.  Now planning.

So, I hope you will all join me in my crusade to rid the world of this great evil, this guilt-inducing, joy-sucking government plot, this heinous OUTRAGE, The Voicemail.  (It even sounds bad.  Like blackmail.  Voicemail. Blackmail.  See?  I’m doing this for all of us.)

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September 17, 2013

I know best.

By Steph

You know how when you know what’s best for someone else, but they won’t do what you say?  Think of this post as a public service announcement.   Some of us know exactly what the fuck we are talking about. You should listen.  Case in point:

My mom wanted to borrow a book from me.  Reasons this was a bad idea:

1.  I hate lending my books.
2.  I knew she wouldn’t like it.
3.  I hate lending my books.

I tried to tell her.  She insisted.

Me:  You won’t like that one.

Mom:  Why do you say that?  It sounds good.

Me:  She’s too dark.  You are not going to like that book.  Plus, there are lesbians.

Mom:  *huffy* You think I don’t like gay people?

Me:  I think you are going to hate that book, and probably lose it, and I HAVEN’T EVEN READ IT YET.

Mom:  I’ll bring it back.  I’ll even bring back the other one I borrowed.  (THIS.  This is why I hate lending books.)

I’m finally like, “Take the damn book.  But I want it and any other books back in a reasonable amount of time or I’m fining you.”   (I didn’t really say that.  But that’s a good idea.)

Anyway.  A day or so later she brings it back with this horrible look on her face and says, “Here.  I can’t read this.  It’s just…it’s too…this book isn’t good.”

I’m intrigued.  I knew she wouldn’t enjoy it, but if anything, I expected her to start it, forget about it, and me find it under her bed a year from now.  The fact that she brought it back holding it out like it was going to bite her was a little confusing to me.

So I started it last night.  Holy shit.  Guys.  I let my mom borrow a book in which the first two chapters include not only steamy lesbian sex, but a strap-on dildo, and extremely detailed descriptions of some rather creative pairings, such as unicorn-on-human.  (That might should be human-on-unicorn.  I’m not really clear on this.)

I think this may have cured her of borrowing my stuff.

(I told her she wouldn’t like it.)

 

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August 27, 2013

Obviously, I failed Home Ec.

By Steph

This is an excerpt from an article by Kristen Fisher on Ehow:

Bundt pans Vs. Angel food pans

While the two cake pans look similar, they should not be used interchangeably.  Bundt cake batter and angel food cake batter have different consistencies.  Angel food cake batter is usually frothier; baking a Bundt cake in an angel food pan may cause the batter to leak out from the removable bottom.

 One might think this should be fairly obvious.  It’s not.  I think this is why people call me “book smart.”

 
 Here’s the full link, in case you are similarly challenged.  Please note, although the article doesn’t specifically mention it, an angel food pan should also not be used for monkey bread.  Ever. 
http://www.ehow.com/facts_5531054_bundt-angel-food-cake-pan.html
P.S.  I didn’t know what to do at that point – I mean, the house was already full of smoke, so….I decided to finish baking the monkey bread.  I did not know this was even possible, but the burners on my stove actually filled with liquid and started smoking.  My kids are yelling at me for taking pictures.  I’m so glad my husband is not home.
P.P.S.  Why is my smoke detector that goes off every time I make toast not going off when there is literally a black cloud over the whole kitchen and half the house? 
P.P.P.S.  Do you think the monkey bread is going to taste bad?

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August 26, 2013

In local news…

By Steph

I’m not even sure what to say about this.

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August 24, 2013

Hmm. And here I thought I was just an asshole.

By Steph

I saw this on FB yesterday and decided it was a must-do.  Turns out, I’m not an asshole.
I’m an introvert.  Take the quiz, maybe you’re not an asshole either!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/20/introverts-signs-am-i-introverted_n_3721431.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009

Not sure if you’re an innie or an outie?  See if any of these
23 telltale signs of introversion apply to you.

1. You find small talk incredibly cumbersome.

Yes.  But I thought I was just not that friendly.

2. You go to parties – but not to meet people.

Why on earth would I want to talk to strangers?  If I go to a party it’s because someone
talked me into it, probably using words like “free beer.”

3. You often feel alone in a crowd.

I often feel like I need to get away from crowds.

4. Networking makes you feel like a phony.

Because it is phony.

5. You’ve been called “too intense.”

Not to my face.

6. You’re easily distracted.

Considering I’m supposed to be doing my real job right now,
I’d say that’s a yes.

7. Downtime doesn’t feel unproductive to you.

What is this “downtime” you speak of?

8. Giving a talk in front of 500 people is less stressful than having to mingle with those people
afterwards.

I guess so.  Both sound super sucky.

9. When you get on the subway, you sit at the end of the bench – not in the middle.

Supposing I ever decided to ride a giant speeding train propelled through tunnels underground by God knows what power, yes, I guess I probably would sit at the end of the bench.  I like to have an exit handy.  Just in case.

10. You start to shut down after you’ve been active for too long.

Oh yeah.  It takes me a full day to recover after a trip to the grocery store.

11. You’re in a relationship with an extrovert.

He’s crazy.  Don’t listen to anything he tells you.

12. You’d rather be an expert at one thing than try to do everything.

I dunno….I like to be good at things….this one’s too hard.  Pass.

13. You actively avoid any shows that might involve audience participation.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.  Doesn’t everyone?

14. You screen all your calls — even from friends.

Sorry, guys.  Read the article.  I’m not an asshole.  It’s a syndrome, or something.

15. You notice details that others don’t.

Huh?

16. You have a constantly running interior monologue.

I like to hear myself think.

17. You have low blood pressure.

Yes.  My blood pressure is super chill.

18. You’ve been called an “old soul” -– since your 20s.

Again, not to my face.

19. You don’t feel “high” from your surroundings

Do people actually do this? I thought that’s why we all partied so much in our 20s?

20. You look at the big picture.

I look at all the pictures.

21. You’ve been told to “come out of your shell.”

I’ve been trying to tell people that I’m shy for years.  No one listens.

22. You’re a writer.

That seems a little extreme.

23. You alternate between phases of work and solitude, and periods of social activity.

**This is where I stopped.  I feel like you’re prying.  Please stop asking me these questions, or I’m going to have to go home.

***I would never actually say that to someone.  (Because I’d already be in the car.)

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