Yesterday was my anniversary. Neither I nor my husband remembered it until my mom told us congratulations. This is just one example of how bad my memory is. I’m telling you this because I’m about to share some comments from my
smartass loving family, and I can’t remember which ones I’ve already posted. Basically, it’s two times the funny. Or a rerun and you’ll wish you had changed the channel.
I think they want to drive me crazy, but it is far too late.
Husband: I think I confuse you sometimes. It’s like you just don’t get what I’m trying to tell you.
Me: *Argues for awhile.*
Me: Whatever, you’re confusing me.
Husband: Um. That’s what I said.
Me: *Hears something fall in the kitchen*
Thing 2: I found a great place to put the sausage.
Me: *Ignores him*
Me: *sees something nasty hanging half out of the ice dispenser.*
Me: What on earth is that?
Thing 2: Oh! That frozen tube of sausage fell out and I found the perfect spot for it!
Thing 2: *Goes on his merry way*
Me: So this is a tube of sausage that has been hanging out of the freezer all day.
Thing 1: Is no one going to address the fact that he is a dumbass?
Me: *almost wet myself laughing, try to get rid of mushy, thawed sausage, almost cut my hand off, can’t figure out what to do with it.*
Husband: Is no one going to address the fact that he gets it from her?
Thing 1: *Looking at his ACT admission ticket.* What is this on the back?
Me: Oh. Well, I ran out of paper so I had to print it on part of a book I was reviewing.
Husband: You can’t do that.
Me: Why not? It’s fine.
Thing 1: The first line is, “terrorizing the city or some such bullshit.”
Me: They don’t need to look at the back. They just need the front. Who cares?
Thing 1: *I* care! This is my future we’re talking about here!
Husband: *nods knowingly*
Me: *muttering* I was just trying to be resourceful.
Thing 1: Don’t do that!
Husband: Don’t ever do that.
Daughter: When I grow up I want to have kids but I don’t want a husband.
Me: *seeing opportunity to teach her to be a strong, independent woman* You don’t have to be married to have babies. There are special doctors you can go to who can help you have babies without a husband.
Her: Really?! Will you take me there?
Me: *Fondly* Of course I will.
Her: And then I can live with you and Daddy and you will help me take care of my babies?
Me: Uh. I guess so?
Husband: So, do you want our daughter to be an unwed teenage mother who lives with us so we can raise our grandchildren?
Me: I think I’ll pick up the yard tomorrow.
Husband: I don’t think so. You’ll be hurting for days afterward.
Daughter: You can’t work outside because Daddy said so.
Me: *seeing opportunity to teach her to be a strong, independent woman* No, I can if I want to, because I am a free woman and I don’t have to do what any man says. And when you grow up, you will be the boss of yourself!
Her: *excitedly* DADDY! Mommy says she’s a free woman and she doesn’t have to do what you say!
Husband: What? Oh, okay. Pick up the yard then. You want to weedeat too? Or do you want to load the old washing machine into the trailer? Since you’re a free woman?
Me: Um. No thanks.
Her: Will you get me some more milk?
Me: Go ask your dad.
Her: *excitedly* He said you are free to get me some milk yourself.
Reasons That I Should Be Supervised At All Times
1. I wrote a bunch of stuff with a black ink pen, then went to see my psychiatrist. She suggested increasing my meds. I did not realize until I got home that I had ink tattoos all over my cheek, chin, and neck.
2. *Home alone, untangling cords*
Me: *screams* I will fucking kill you!
3. *Home alone, cleaning up bits of deodorant out of the carpet*
Me: *cries out to universe* WHY? WHY?
4. *Uses visual aids to demonstrate the Monkey Kingdom movie*
Me: It was so disturbing. All these long, floppy nipples and monkey penises everywhere! They all had them!
Husband: Yes. All monkeys have nipples and penises.
Me: Well, I don’t think it was appropriate for kindergarteners. They should’ve shown the one about tigers.
Husband: Did any of the kids say anything?
Husband: So there were hundreds of 6-year-olds and you were the only one concerned with monkey parts?
Me: I think maybe that one little monkey pervert jerking it at the zoo must’ve scarred me badly.