Category Archives: CPTSD

May 6, 2026

I think yeah

By Steph

…definitely, the eclipse, moon, planets, comets, asteroids, ghosts, spirits, spirit animals, trees, flowers, grass, rocks, mountains, rivers, sandy red clay, sky, sun, clouds, rays of sunlight, Mother Earth, Gaia, Mother Eureka, Ozark Dreamland, the collective consciousness of all people everywhere, the specific consciousness of the people, places, and things nearest to me, and everything all around and under all of us, affects the way I feel and how I process things and what I can do, that’s for sure. Oh, also where I am in my monthly cycle, if I’ve taken my meds, if it is too hot or too cold or too sneezy or too itchy or too ticky or too touristy, if I’ve slept okay, if I’ve eaten and how is my stomach? Am I bloated, do my pants fit, when did I cry last? Does he really love me? For fuckssake, you may as well think so until you can’t anymore! You’re obviously fucking doing this and it’s obviously gonna hurt but it’s not like you’ll listen to reason!

As a general rule, no, I’m probably not picking up what you’re putting down unless you are also like this, in which case THANK FUCK, JUST BE COOL. Works for me! I think it’s probably a really good thing that I mostly only talk to people I feel safe with; even if one of the four of them got super out there, it wouldn’t be outthere-outthere, you know? That makes me wonder why I would be “afraid” of being around other maybe not-so-known-therefore-not-as-safe people and I got nothing, because, in this moment, I don’t feel like I would have to be any way other than dressed (no cleavage, definitely bra or a sweater/coat, no shorts!, no yoga pants, omg all my jeans are so tight!) (yoga pants and crop top rn so I guess maybe there’d be preparation involved (thanks trauma!) and like, distaste, for having to make myself palatable at all fucking YES, I DO, I NEED ALL THESE KNIVES and this is where calling cards would come in. You’d leave your card if I was…INDISPOSED! I never remember that word when I need it. But yeah, I’ll see you when I’m more disposed.

1 Comment | tags: blog, fiction, life, mental health, writing | posted in anxiety, CPTSD, Just Being Awesome, random bullshit, thoughts, total chaos

December 13, 2023

Full Moons are for Finding Yourself

By Steph

Again.

And again.

Maybe the Universe knows we’ll always need reminding.

Five years ago in August, I was in a really bad place. Sick. Alone. Getting a divorce. Either losing custody of my children or losing them to their own adult lives. All painful in different ways, but that’s not what I want to talk about today.

Today, I want to talk about beauty. How amazingly, awesomely, breathtakingly beautiful it is to be in love…with yourself.

There is no doubt in my mind that I will journey through that dark, hideous place of pain and fear again. That’s the way humans, and this human in particular, are built. So, this isn’t me saying I’ve cured my depression or healed my trauma or that I’m not going to be sick anymore.

This is me saying: I will survive it. Whatever it is that sends me to bed with heating pads or ice packs, with pillows soaking up my tears, I. Will. Get. Back. Up.

This is me saying: It’s worth it. The pain, the hurt, the worry, the fear, the illness after illness after illness; it’s all worth it.

This is me saying: I DESERVE MORE than survival.

This is me saying: I don’t care what people think about me. What I care about is how people treat me.

This is me saying: I lost my health, my partner of 16 years, and my children all in a matter of months, and yet here I am. (Yes, y’all, I’m still me, the “motherfucker” at the end there is silent.)

This is me saying: I’m stronger now than I have ever been. And as someone with depression, I was strong to begin with. You have to be when you spend your life fighting your mind for your life.

I’ve spent a lot of time alone in the last few years, and time alone is time to think. I need it like I need air. I notice so much more now that I can listen. I worry less now that I can feel without judgement.

Our intuition has been shit on for so long, it’s almost like those of us with “feelings” trained ourselves not to notice them. Because when you say, “something doesn’t feel right” or, worse, “I’m getting a weird vibe” or even “what’s wrong” to someone who doesn’t want you to notice any of those things, what do they do?

They tell you that you’re fucking crazy.

What happens when you ignore your feelings though?

I spent a lot of my thinking time out in the woods. When I say “woods” I hope you’re picturing hundreds of acres in the Ozark Mountains, because that’s what I’m talking about. Where people can and do disappear. I figured out that if my gut said, “something isn’t right” that I should scoot my happy ass back to the house where I most likely won’t get eaten by a bear.

Obviously (to me) these kinds of feelings are part of us for a reason. The older guy from town who was cute but who I always, always, always avoided? In prison for violent crimes against women. That look some people get when you accidentally make eye contact? That glimmer of meanness that makes your skin crawl? The feeling that you’re being lied to, or manipulated, or that something just isn’t right?

Guys, we’re not all crazy. Some of us, okay. Me? Probably, but I LIKE IT.

Actually, I LOVE IT. I’m 44 years old, and I fucking LOVE myself. I’m hilarious, often unintentionally which makes it even better. I’m brutally honest, but I never intend to hurt anyone with my words. I’m smart sometimes and some ways, but also hardheaded and can be incredibly stupid and so, SO naive. I’m frequently oblivious because I’m so caught up in living. LIVING, do you understand what I’m saying? What you are doing RIGHT NOW IS YOUR LIFE!

The full moon was a while ago, but that’s when I lit some candles and watched the shadows of flowers dance on my ceiling and then danced with them. I’ve been thinking this post since then. I had come to a point where I felt like I was moving backwards. I’d been so at peace and then my peace shattered, and I felt like I would too. But I’m not made of glass, and neither are you.

Life isn’t a straight line. People say that about grief, but I think it applies to life too. We’re always going to be picking up the pieces of ourselves, and we’re always going to be putting them back together in a better, stronger, more beautiful way.