It’s amazing how quickly things can turn around. How, in the blink of an eye, hope can turn into despair. Things to do become things to be survived. I’m tired of being on this ride that always seems to end in tears.
I woke up this morning in fairly minimal pain. I enjoyed my coffee, and laughed, and thought about how much better I felt today than I had this past week.
One thing. One tiny, insignificant little thing. And now here I am, trying not to cry, trying not to curl up and hide under the covers, trying not to give up.
I can hear one part of me saying, “No, don’t do it. It’s okay. You’re okay. Just breathe. IT WILL BE FINE, GODDAMMIT, JUST STOP. Just. Stop.”
But there’s the other, louder part, chanting, “You fucked up. You ARE a fuck up. You are FUCKED up. You didn’t do this, you should’ve done that, why don’t you ever do ANYTHING right, why even try when you know it’s pointless, remember when this happened and this and this and this and this….”
It feels like there are two people inside of me, both fighting for supremacy. But the ugly part is stronger and it always claws its way to the top and laughs at the small, flickering, almost-blown-out flame of the other. Sometimes I think the part that hurts allows the part that hopes to exist, to creep into the sun, just so it can crush it over and over again.
I want to reach back in time and grab the smile I wore this morning and hold it tight so it can’t get away.
No, you know what? I’m not even asking to be happy. I just want to be okay. Can I have just this ONE DAY without the never-ending litany of pain on repeat in my head? JUST THIS ONE DAY.
Please. I just need this one day.
We Don't Chew Glass 
December 29th, 2016 at 11:59 am
Hold on Stephanie. The flame may flicker but is always there, burning brightly at the center and core of your being.
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December 29th, 2016 at 12:05 pm
Why is it so hard just to be?
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December 29th, 2016 at 12:00 pm
You have a very sweet smile. I’m sorry you are having a bad day.
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December 29th, 2016 at 12:05 pm
Thank you Marianne. xoxo
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December 29th, 2016 at 12:04 pm
I love you like crazy and if I could give you a day I would gladly shoulder your burden. You aren’t alone…
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December 29th, 2016 at 12:07 pm
❤ you
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December 29th, 2016 at 7:56 pm
*Big ‘Ol Virtual Hug*
Take as many as you need, sending them your way!
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December 29th, 2016 at 8:08 pm
Thanks Vic. I’ll take them!
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December 30th, 2016 at 9:29 pm
We share the same brain and I am so sorry for that.
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December 30th, 2016 at 9:31 pm
Oh, me too. It’s good to feel understood, but sad also.
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December 31st, 2016 at 11:58 am
I think some days you have to just let go, and trust that another one is going to come around. Sometimes the harder I try to hold on, the quicker things seem to unravel between my fingers.
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January 1st, 2017 at 5:14 am
Thank you. Sometimes I forget to just wait. To wait for a better day, which WILL come.
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January 2nd, 2017 at 2:41 pm
I am so so sorry. I hope today you were able to hang on to that smile.
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January 3rd, 2017 at 11:29 am
Yes! I was. Well, yesterday. My son spent all his xmas $ on fish and we had a great day together.
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January 21st, 2017 at 9:32 pm
I’m reading backwards here Steph (recently finished reading the gut buster you just posted) so I know everything turns out ok.
Gotta say… its kinda cool to know the happy ending is just on the other side of the shit right? (I kinda feel like this sounds like masseuse philosophy. And that’s just gross. But I’m an open minded guy, so I’ll take my wisdom wherever I can get it.)
And seriously digging your blog. (not just puffing virtual vapor to get you and your fans to check out my site…but seriously, there’s pictures) So glad you popped up on the other side of this funk.
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January 21st, 2017 at 9:54 pm
Now I want to read my own blog backwards. Since my memory is nonexistent, I’m sure it would be full of surprises. And probably typos. Nope!
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