This is not a slug. This is a snake looking in my window. But if you think I’m going hunting for pictures of slugs, you don’t know me very well.
In honor of Slug Season (that’s a thing. A thing I just made up), I decided to revamp this post from a million years ago.
We have a large wooden deck on the back of our house. We also have a drainage problem. And a slug problem. I’m not positive these things are all related, because I’m not a fucking scientist, but I suspect they are.
A few days ago I went out and saw a big fat gross slug on the deck.
Me: Ewww! Did you see that thing?
Husband: No, what?
Me: THE GIANT SLUG RIGHT THERE!
Him: Shit, is that why my shoe is so sticky?
Me:..
Him: *He heads back inside*
Me: Watch ou—
Him: SHIT!
Yes, the big idiot stepped on it again. Then presumably tracked slime all over the house, I don’t know.
So this story is about four years old, right after we moved into this house.
I woke up early and first thing let the dogs out. I’m lazy, so instead of turning on a light or possibly paying attention to what I was doing, I just stuck my hand out in the dark to get the water bowl.
I didn’t look at it until I realized that my hand felt….slimy. My only defense is that I hadn’t had coffee yet. And that I am an idiot.
There. Were. Baby. Slugs. On. Me. MANY TINY SLUGS TOUCHING ME. TOUCHING ME!
This was when everything started to get a little blurry.
The dish was no longer in the house, so I can only assume I threw it.
My robe was in the hall floor. I vaguely remember ripping it off and sprinting into the kitchen while my ever-so-helpful husband just stared.
He says he thinks I was gagging. I really couldn’t say.
I do know that while I was in the kitchen scrubbing vigorously at my gooey hands (OMG, I might barf and this was like 4 years ago) he widened his stupid eyes and pointed at my back.
I very rapidly became naked and then equally rapidly became violent, once I realized he was a lying shit.
After I felt relatively clean, I calmed down to a state of shock, just staring blankly and mourning my lost innocence.
Him: *trying not to laugh, but not trying very fucking hard*
Me:.
Husband: *snicker snort* So. What are you doing to do with your robe? *innocent face*
Me:.
Him: You just going to leave your shit laying there in the floor so all those slugs can just wander off all over the house?”
Me: *glares the glare of a thousand deaths*
Husband: *does not die or even be mildly injured*
He was clearly not concerned about my safety, sanity, or aversion to animated slime.
Me: Obviously the only logical thing to do is burn the robe.
Him: I KNEW you would say that. It’s not a fucking vampire, Stephanie. You don’t have to cut its head off, burn it, and bury it wrapped in chains.
Hmmph. I guess it’s just as well I didn’t tell him my whole plan, which was to burn the robe and then the front porch.
This is war, motherfucker. My perimeter has been breached.
We Don't Chew Glass 
September 20th, 2015 at 12:00 pm
You have all my sympathy. There is no reaction too strong to coming into contact with slug slime.
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September 22nd, 2015 at 6:24 am
I KNOW, RIGHT? Oh, man, it’s just so gross.
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September 20th, 2015 at 3:48 pm
I like your hubby all the more now!! 😋
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September 22nd, 2015 at 6:24 am
Pfft, you would, lol. He’s pretty funny. When he’s not pulling pranks on me!
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September 22nd, 2015 at 7:43 am
Haha, lol
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September 20th, 2015 at 6:10 pm
Burning the robe and the porch was obvs the only sane plan. Also, your patience in dealing with a slug-tracker is astonishing. He is lucky not to be currently frozen, awaiting a chipper-shredder.
Mister Man is a nurse. He used to be a trauma nurse at an ER. I routinely made him take his Crocs and socks off before entering the house post-shift. Why?
MRSA-toes, Mister. Do you really want MRSA-tracks all through the house? I didn’t think so.
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September 22nd, 2015 at 6:26 am
Obviously, right?? I mean, I’m a rational person making rational decisions. And you know that last part was a total and complete lie. Ugh, I used to work admissions at an ER and I totally don’t blame you.
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September 21st, 2015 at 10:39 pm
The solution is simple. You need ducks. Ducks are FANTASTIC slug-eaters! Of course, that means that instead of tracking slug slime through the house that guy you live with will be tracking duck shit. On the other hand, ducks lay eggs, which can be yummy so long as the duck hasn’t eaten any slugs or frogs recently. During slug season, when the eggs are no good for eating, you can throw them at the duck-shit-tracking people in your life.
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September 22nd, 2015 at 6:29 am
Okay, first I want to say I love the idea of throwing eggs at people. Since we don’t have dogs anymore we’ve been thinking about getting guineas (no idea if I spelled that right) or chickens for ticks in the yard. Hadn’t thought about ducks. We do have a pond about 50 yards away…would ducks hang around like chickens do or would they fly away? Do you have to keep them penned up? I suppose I could just Google all these questions, lol.
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September 22nd, 2015 at 10:25 am
You’d need to pen them to start with – same as chickens and definitely same as guineas – until they get used to the idea that they’re home. But if they have a pond, they’re not likely to wander. But yeah, Google is definitely your first source!
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September 23rd, 2015 at 7:42 pm
I am NOT a fan of creepy, slimy things. Or things with many legs. Or things that have NO legs. Thanks to your post, I’m thinking of them all and I have the willies!
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September 23rd, 2015 at 7:52 pm
Haha! Sorry! Now I am too. Neither of us will sleep tonight, lol.
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September 28th, 2015 at 10:29 am
That photo is enough to send me screaming from the room. I actually feel queasy after reading this. But the exchange between you and your husband is fucking hilarious.
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October 1st, 2015 at 7:36 am
Hahaha, RIGHT? Can you believe that fucker was actually LOOKING IN MY WINDOW? It was awful. I almost shit my pants.
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October 8th, 2015 at 1:39 pm
I have a similar thing about things without legs. Leged critters I can cope with but no legs….. ugggghhh.
I was going to wash out our big wheeli rubbish bin because it was smelling a bit funky and realised there was a tiny amount of rubbish at the bottom so I leaned in and picked up a couple of the things and discovered maggots. Complete and utter panic ensued as maggots were on my hand. Cue complete freak out.
I ran inside and scrubbed my hand and changed all my clothes (just in case they somehow got on me). And then contemplated the fact that right outside my back door were maggots.
I did the only reasonable thing- I figured I wasn’t able to burn the rubbish bin with the toxic plastic fumes etc. I got bleach and soap and all the cleaning products I could find and poured them into the bin and then put the hose into it. Of course this did mean that the maggots were in fact closer to me (which caused me a bit of angst) and now I had a very heavy and large bin filled with cleaning products, water and maggots and what the hell was I going to do with that. I went back inside and tried not to panic. Eventually after a little bit of hyperventilating (read about two hours of me trying to pretend that there wasn’t a problem outside my back door) I dragged the heavy maggoty bin to the driveway drain and poured it out while hosing little corpses away. And then I went and had a long shower.
Not my finest environmental moment overall but I really did seriously think about just burning the bin. If I found maggots, worms, slugs etc in my house I would probably just leave. Forever. And. Never. Go. Back
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October 28th, 2015 at 6:41 am
Hahahaha. And Never Go Back. Ah, I have contemplated this many times. Many times.
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October 13th, 2015 at 2:30 pm
You know back before the internets when real estate listings were primarily advertised in the realtor books? Well, there was a local listing for a 4BR 3BA Ranch with stainless steel appliance upgrades. Also, adjacent to the kitchen was a huge dick for entertaining.
I’ll bet was. I’ll bet it was.
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October 28th, 2015 at 6:42 am
bahahahaha! Very entertaining, lol. Omg. Thanks for the laugh.
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December 15th, 2015 at 10:54 pm
Slugs are the most evil things ever in the world. I used to carry salt around with me wherever I went to kill them on the spot. Then the first time I did shrooms they straight up attacked me. I suspect it was payback.
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December 25th, 2015 at 10:17 am
I would HATE to think of slugs on any kind of psychedelic. THE HORROR. I can’t imagine.
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