Yesterday was my anniversary. Neither I nor my husband remembered it until my mom told us congratulations. This is just one example of how bad my memory is. I’m telling you this because I’m about to share some comments from my smartass loving family, and I can’t remember which ones I’ve already posted. Basically, it’s two times the funny. Or a rerun and you’ll wish you had changed the channel.
Either way.
I think they want to drive me crazy, but it is far too late.
Husband: I think I confuse you sometimes. It’s like you just don’t get what I’m trying to tell you.
Me: *Argues for awhile.*
Me: Whatever, you’re confusing me.
Husband: Um. That’s what I said.
Me: *Hears something fall in the kitchen*
Thing 2: I found a great place to put the sausage.
Me: *Ignores him*
Later
Me: *sees something nasty hanging half out of the ice dispenser.*
Me: What on earth is that?
Thing 2: Oh! That frozen tube of sausage fell out and I found the perfect spot for it!
Thing 2: *Goes on his merry way*
Me: So this is a tube of sausage that has been hanging out of the freezer all day.
Husband:
Me:
Thing 1: Is no one going to address the fact that he is a dumbass?
Me: *almost wet myself laughing, try to get rid of mushy, thawed sausage, almost cut my hand off, can’t figure out what to do with it.*
Husband: Is no one going to address the fact that he gets it from her?
Thing 1: *Looking at his ACT admission ticket.* What is this on the back?
Me: Oh. Well, I ran out of paper so I had to print it on part of a book I was reviewing.
Husband: You can’t do that.
Me: Why not? It’s fine.
Thing 1: The first line is, “terrorizing the city or some such bullshit.”
Me: They don’t need to look at the back. They just need the front. Who cares?
Thing 1: *I* care! This is my future we’re talking about here!
Husband: *nods knowingly*
Me: *muttering* I was just trying to be resourceful.
Thing 1: Don’t do that!
Husband: Don’t ever do that.
Daughter: When I grow up I want to have kids but I don’t want a husband.
Me: *seeing opportunity to teach her to be a strong, independent woman* You don’t have to be married to have babies. There are special doctors you can go to who can help you have babies without a husband.
Her: Really?! Will you take me there?
Me: *Fondly* Of course I will.
Her: And then I can live with you and Daddy and you will help me take care of my babies?
Me: Uh. I guess so?
Later
Husband: So, do you want our daughter to be an unwed teenage mother who lives with us so we can raise our grandchildren?
Me:
Me: I think I’ll pick up the yard tomorrow.
Husband: I don’t think so. You’ll be hurting for days afterward.
Daughter: You can’t work outside because Daddy said so.
Me: *seeing opportunity to teach her to be a strong, independent woman* No, I can if I want to, because I am a free woman and I don’t have to do what any man says. And when you grow up, you will be the boss of yourself!
Her: *excitedly* DADDY! Mommy says she’s a free woman and she doesn’t have to do what you say!
Husband: What? Oh, okay. Pick up the yard then. You want to weedeat too? Or do you want to load the old washing machine into the trailer? Since you’re a free woman?
Me: Um. No thanks.
Later
Her: Will you get me some more milk?
Me: Go ask your dad.
Her: *excitedly* He said you are free to get me some milk yourself.
Me: Shit.
Reasons That I Should Be Supervised At All Times
1. I wrote a bunch of stuff with a black ink pen, then went to see my psychiatrist. She suggested increasing my meds. I did not realize until I got home that I had ink tattoos all over my cheek, chin, and neck.
2. *Home alone, untangling cords*
Me: *screams* I will fucking kill you!
3. *Home alone, cleaning up bits of deodorant out of the carpet*
Me: *cries out to universe* WHY? WHY?
4. *Uses visual aids to demonstrate the Monkey Kingdom movie*
Me: It was so disturbing. All these long, floppy nipples and monkey penises everywhere! They all had them!
Husband: Yes. All monkeys have nipples and penises.
Me: Well, I don’t think it was appropriate for kindergarteners. They should’ve shown the one about tigers.
Husband: Did any of the kids say anything?
Me:
Husband: So there were hundreds of 6-year-olds and you were the only one concerned with monkey parts?
Me: I think maybe that one little monkey pervert jerking it at the zoo must’ve scarred me badly.
We Don't Chew Glass 
April 23rd, 2015 at 8:34 am
I LOVE these posts..I did a little happy dance and then read it slooooow. Y’all are amazing.
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April 23rd, 2015 at 12:25 pm
I love them too, cause they are super easy, lol. I just say, “Hold on, I’ve got to write that down.” ALL THE TIME.
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April 23rd, 2015 at 11:15 am
You ARE a strong independent woman. Don’t let Monkey Kingdom tell you different.
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April 23rd, 2015 at 12:26 pm
Hahahaha! Thanks. 🙂
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April 23rd, 2015 at 12:03 pm
Monkey perverts are the best.
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April 23rd, 2015 at 12:26 pm
I guess as perverts go they aren’t so bad.
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April 23rd, 2015 at 1:09 pm
See, there’s not enough sticking of googly eyes on things, in my opinion. It should be encouraged.
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April 23rd, 2015 at 1:29 pm
Right? I love it. My favorite was when I put them eyelevel in the boys shower, so when they pulled back the curtain the eyes were staring at them. It was SO AWESOME.
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April 23rd, 2015 at 1:56 pm
Both of us blanked our anniversary too. We can’t even agree how long we’ve been together. He adds on years, I take off years, refusing to accept it’s been that long. I think I’ll just round it up to 25 years and stick with that…forever 🙂
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April 23rd, 2015 at 2:51 pm
HA! We do that too. We’ve been together approximately 5 years longer than we’ve been married, but neither of us can agree on what year we got married…meh. I guess as long as we’re not scheduling a divorce, it’s fine. 🙂
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April 23rd, 2015 at 3:17 pm
We don’t even agree on the date! I know he’s wrong, because his date is the same me and his predecessor had.
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April 25th, 2015 at 9:39 am
HAHAHAHA! Do you tell him that’s why he’s wrong?
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April 24th, 2015 at 7:48 am
Masturbating monkeys can be traumatic. You should talk to your psychiatrist about this issue. Be sure to wash the ink from your face first.
And I thought I was the only person in earth who threatened inanimate objects! I do have a good reason; the inanimate objects are out to get me. http://mikeallegra.com/2015/02/17/there-will-be-blood-mine/
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April 25th, 2015 at 9:46 am
HA! If I told her that she’d probably have me committed. You are NOT the only one who yells at things that can’t yell back; I try to only do it when I’m home alone, so people won’t think I’m crazy. I mean crazier.
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April 27th, 2015 at 2:32 pm
You might do it when you’re home alone, but then you tell everyone on your blog.
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April 27th, 2015 at 4:08 pm
Dammit. That is a very valid point. Stop being reasonable, please.
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April 27th, 2015 at 7:58 pm
Sorry. I’ll go back to shouting at the bed.
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April 24th, 2015 at 9:45 am
Omg. Hilarious. I feel so less alone knowing these crazy conversations happen in otherpeople’s homes too!
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April 25th, 2015 at 9:48 am
Oh yes, I’m sure they are everywhere – just not all of them write them down and share them on the internet, lol. (But they should.)
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May 1st, 2015 at 1:44 am
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who logs the crazy shit my family says. The latest? My 6 year old daughter saying, out of the blue, “Mom, sometimes I wish I could just go to the bathroom on you.”
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May 1st, 2015 at 8:32 am
Bahaha! ON YOU?! I first read that as “with you.” On you! OMG, I’m dying.
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May 5th, 2015 at 2:58 pm
lol!!!! luv
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May 5th, 2015 at 8:13 pm
Thanks. They are all turds.
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December 13th, 2016 at 9:24 pm
moree more
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December 14th, 2016 at 5:20 am
Ha! I started using all these on my fb page!
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