We are in a state of emergency

Operation Thanksgiving was a success, thanks to my mother and my mother-in-law (the cooks), two bottles of champagne, and many pies.

There were so many pies that my subconscious has woken me up every night at midnight to eat a slice two slices. I consider this taking one for the team. The pie team. Of which I am the leader.

Now with Thanksgiving barely over, the time for Holiday Shenanigans has commenced.

I have to LEAVE MY HOUSE every day for the next four days.

Let that sink in.

Although I do want to see my daughter sing today and I wouldn’t miss Thing 1 in the play and I’m sure the band program of Thing 2’s will be phenominal…I would much rather watch these things from my couch. And let’s not even speak of the parade.

Can you even imagine the amount of bathing and getting dressed this is going to entail? More than I’ve done in the last week, I can tell you that.

Then you throw in that it is cold and rainy outside and when it is cold I don’t like to get out of my bed. I may be part bear.

bear

And I have to wonder how I will make an ass of myself at these various functions. SO many opportunities to be weird and awkward!

Being an introvert with anxiety almost guarantees that I will say or do something idiotic…in public…with no place to hide.

I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities. The first and best-case scenario is that I won’t speak at all and will avoid eye contact with anyone I didn’t give birth to. If cornered, I will answer questions only with “yes” or “no” and will fidget and bolt at the first opportunity.

The second and least desirable and therefore most likely is that I will start nervous talking. This is the one I’d really like to avoid because once I start nervous talking, I can’t be stopped and my subject matter leaves much to be desired. For instance, I need to not talk about the zombie apocalypse and the fact that once the meds run out I will be a dead weight but I still don’t want to be eaten so I’ve been practicing with a sling shot, the only weapon I will be allowed. When people say, “How have you been?” I’m pretty sure that is not the answer they are expecting.

I also shouldn’t talk about my pets bowel habits (though they are very interesting) or say, “You are making me anxious.” and then walk away.

Basically, the next four days are a damned social minefield and I’m not fully equipped to navigate it. Or even partially equipped. I have no equipment.

Are you already sick of holiday engagements or is it just me? Is crawling under a chair a viable option in an auditorium?

About Steph

I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often. View all posts by Steph

20 responses to “We are in a state of emergency

  • qwertygirl

    I think holiday concerts are the way music teachers get revenge on parents for having to listen to our kids hit the wrong note for forty minutes two times a week for 35 weeks a year. It’s the only reason I can think of that they force 300 parents to cram into the cafegymatorium and listen to a bunch of third graders sing “Frosty the Snowman” and “Jingle Bells” for an hour.

    Good luck. And keep up the good work with the slingshot!

  • Cassandra

    Oh my goodness, I hear you. I, myself, always go with option 1. Blend in, keep quiet, and escape as soon as humanly possible.

  • michelle

    It’s like we are related. I swear.

  • Belladonna Took

    I know it’s mean, but I’m kinda hoping for option 2. Because that would make some awesome reading! And I would much rather read your blog than write mine. Yes, I know that makes me a terrible person … I don’t care … Merry Christmas to you.

  • Spoken Like A True Nut

    I hear ya. I’m currently trying to track down Harry Potter; I need to borrow his invisibility cloak so I can wear it to the company Christmas party and eat all the food without having to make awkward conversation with anyone.

  • Tempest Rose

    I am absolutely sick of all the holiday shenanigans already, and I don’t even really have much to do. I think it’s just because Christmas seems to start earlier every damn year.

  • suburbanprincessteacher

    LOVE THIS! I have walked out of two parties after 15 minutes already. Yeah, I’m a social butterfly. I’m all about the fireplace and the books and the rum and eggnog.

  • Margot

    You could just sit there looking very busy and distracted by checking your phone with a serious look on your face. That definitely discourages conversation. Get to whatever function just in time to find a decent seat, sit down and get immediately on your phone, and don’t stop until the program begins. When it’s over leave right away.

    I dunno what you’re going to do about the parade, though. Can you make your husband come with you so you have someone to talk to? I totally suck at making small talk at those functions. Those other parents are intimidating! Good luck…

  • Musings, Rants & Scribbles

    I hear you. I’m the same way in large social gatherings where small talk is mandatory. I’d much rather be a bear.

  • gluestickmum

    Being a bear makes sense to me:
    1) Hibernation
    2) waking up in spring all skinny
    3) bear hugs
    4) a diet of salmon and picnic baskets
    5) only an insane person messes with a bear.
    I want to be a bear.

  • Sarah (est. 1975)

    I often have that fear about the zombie apocalypse. Once my meds run out I’m completely and utterly fucked. I might as well find a church to hide in, board it all up, and leave all of my loyal parishioners outside to die and scratch “You’ll Burn For This” onto the side of the church with a rusty nail which I will then later step on. Or something.

  • kdcol

    I like this time of year and then I don’t like this time of year. I like the idea of it and hanging out with family and close friends. I don’t like having to go to all the social engagements/parties. It’s definitely not just you, and it makes me feel a lot better to see it’s definitely not just me. 🙂

  • Kristine @ MumRevised

    I hope you made it through the ‘torture season’ so far. School concerts are torture for all of us, even us extroverts, so I needed to nominate you for a totally fake, but highly prized Liebster Award. Cue applause and you didn’t leave your couch! You can participate if you like, or just get a kick out of knowing you are one of my favs. Wishing you the best for the holidays.
    http://www.mumrevised.com/liebster-award-recipients/

  • The Hopeful Herbalist

    Hey Steph are you hibernating? Happy Christmas 🌲⛄️

  • Grief Happens

    I’m late to this, but oh my goodness how I relate. Currently, I have to be at a friend’s kid’s birthday party in an hour and a half. I haven’t showered or gotten a gift and I’m in no rush to do so. Horrid, I tell you. I just want to hibernate. Hope you survived Christmas. I turned down lots of invitations to various gatherings. I just wanted to stay home this year. Happy new year to you, dear!

  • kittery

    I think you and I should spit on some Q-Tips. I’m pretty sure the results would say we’re related.
    I. Identify. With. This. *So*. Much. Also, I hope things have eased up for you. 🙂

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