So I went on an outing yesterday. This is unusual behavior for me because I don’t like getting dressed or people.
One of my best friends called me early in the day and I guess because I wasn’t really awake yet I agreed to her scandalous plan of riding in the van of someone I barely know to a town far away for the entire day. It could have been disastrous.
On the long ride I learned that my close friend whom I have known since the second grade “really likes the smell of diesel.” But she’s pregnant, so really “diesel” could have been any other word. At one point she said, “those things, on the sides, that hold clothes together?” and I said, “yes, the seams” and she said, “yeah, the seams and the material that’s made from a plant?” And I said “cotton” and it was like this crazy guessing game all day long because apparently the baby she is carrying has stolen her words.
The driver of the van was a nice lady who I kind of know but I had never put my life in her hands before and by that I mean I had never ridden in her van while she drove. She did okay except at one point she exclaimed, “I’m really not this bad of a driver, it’s just this squash.” And then proceeded to pull a giant squash out from under her feet.
We went first to a repair shop where the pregnant lady and I refused to pee so we danced around madly in the parking lot holding our vaginas. Just kidding. We waited sedately in the van and bitched about how bad we had to pee.
Then we went to a thrift store that sold giant pairs of mens underwear and smelled like the customers looked, which was dirty and kind of poopy.
After that we went to Walmart just for a minute and I learned a new trick from an unkempt-looking lady standing in the front of the store. As we walked past her she put her hand to her mouth and whistled an ear-piercing whistle. From somewhere in the depths of the store came an answering whistle and I surmised that these not smart looking people had devised a genius plan. I will never again search a Walmart for my loved ones. Instead, I will learn to whistle and it will be amazing and effective. Also, I guess I should not assume that people who smell bad are not that smart because obviously these stinky people have street smarts or at least grocery store smarts and who am I to judge. Maybe I smell bad. (I don’t. I don’t smell bad at all.)
Lastly we went to TCBY because my pregnant friend was having a meltdown for some frozen yogurt and I asked what did TCBY stand for and they said “Thank Goodness It’s Yogurt” and I said okay, that makes sense. Once we were inside I got some samples that were just adorable and if you haven’t had tiny samples of yogurt in tiny little cups you haven’t lived. It was good, even though my pregnant friend told the yogurt man that he could “surely do better than that” after she saw her cone.
It was a fun day full of learning about people and squash.
We Don't Chew Glass 
November 4th, 2014 at 5:48 pm
You had me with the line about getting dressed and people. I feel the same way. I admire you for having the guts to join in on that adventure!
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November 5th, 2014 at 7:09 am
Well, thanks. *blushes*
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November 4th, 2014 at 6:07 pm
Mmmm, butternut squash… By the way, “the country’s best yogurt” makes more sense, doncha think? 😉
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November 5th, 2014 at 7:10 am
THE COUNTRY’S BEST YOGURT OH MY GOD YOU ARE RIGHT! Thank you. It was driving me crazy.
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November 5th, 2014 at 7:53 am
You’re welcome. 🙂 We have those here, too, and while I don’t necessarily think they’re the very best it’s not terrible.
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November 4th, 2014 at 6:12 pm
The next time I am driving badly (which as we all know will be the next time I am driving), I plan on blaming it on squash, even if there’s no squash within a mile of me. In fact, from now on I think squash will be my default scapegoat for everything. Why not?
I think TCBY stands for “Think It’s Better for You” because everyone thinks that because it’s yogurt, it’s healthy. I actually hate frozen yogut. Give me ice cream or give me death! I know some famous American statesman said that, because that’s the kind of shit famous American statesment said–things you could quote in two hundred years and they’d still be totally relevant.
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November 5th, 2014 at 7:12 am
HAHAHAHA! In the van I said, “I’m just going to start saying, “It’s the squash” all the time.”
Annnnd I ate ice cream at TCBY instead of yogurt. Because of that totally relevant quote, of course.
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November 4th, 2014 at 6:20 pm
My son just got a job at a yogurt place. Mensches…we just went. I got sorbet though because I hate yogurt in any form. It comes from satan’s butt.
And the squash…well…that’s just scary and probably would impede one’s driving.
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November 5th, 2014 at 7:13 am
Right? I got ice cream. It was delicious. And I don’t get why she was trying to drive with a squash, but yeah, I totally see how it would be detrimental to pushing pedals and shit.
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November 4th, 2014 at 6:37 pm
I love a good offbeat adventure. Not sure what was better, the underfoot squash or the ear-piercing whistle. I will do that now when I lose my husband in the supermarket instead in lieu of texting. Haha.
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November 5th, 2014 at 7:13 am
It was fun. Grocers everywhere are going to be like, “Wtf with all the whistling?”
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November 4th, 2014 at 6:46 pm
When I saw the picture of that squash, I was expecting a whole ‘nother kind of post 🙂
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November 5th, 2014 at 7:14 am
I know, right?! Did you see it on facebook? It looked terribly phallic on there.
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November 6th, 2014 at 8:26 pm
So relieved I wasn’t the only one!
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November 4th, 2014 at 6:48 pm
Hmmmm driving with a big squash under your feet probably isn’t the best idea anyone had – especially with other people in your van !!
While we don’t frequent Walmart (because we live in Australia and we don’t have them here) my husband, daughter and I have whistled for each other for as long as I can remember. We have had to brave the stares of people in the store as we both whistle and try to find each other (btw sometimes I can’t whistle that well and people laugh at my attempts !!!)
Have the best day !
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November 5th, 2014 at 7:15 am
That is so funny. I can whistle a little but not hand-in-my-mouth-ear-piercing whistle. You have a great day too!
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November 4th, 2014 at 7:50 pm
Ha! You can whistle like the group on The Walking Dead–although they whistle more softly for obvious reasons. (I know you love you some Daryl Dixon!). Glad you had an adventurous day, though please don’t ever get in a van with a woman driving with a squash under her feel again.
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November 5th, 2014 at 7:16 am
Lol! Next time I ride with anyone I’ll be like, “I need to check your car for squash.”
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November 4th, 2014 at 8:01 pm
1. I can’t whistle to save my life.
2. I grew up around the corner from a TCBY and it was “The Country’s Best Yogurt,” which was around BEFORE frozen yogurt became cool.
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November 5th, 2014 at 7:17 am
The Country’s Best Yogurt makes so much more sense. Thank you. And I hope you learn to whistle soon since it’s obviously a very helpful talent to have.
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November 5th, 2014 at 9:03 am
That squash isn’t intimidating at ALL.
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November 5th, 2014 at 4:12 pm
Right?! It was crazy big. No wonder she couldn’t drive.
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November 5th, 2014 at 9:22 am
That squash was scary.
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November 5th, 2014 at 4:13 pm
It was even scarier in person under the brake pedal, trust me.
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November 5th, 2014 at 12:40 pm
I practically peed myself when I read “Thank Goodness It’s Yogurt.”
Also, here’s another reason to live in New Jersey (I feel obligated to convince you to move, Steph) the shoppers in our Wallmarts don’t smell poopy. They do, however, dress trashy. And if you don’t want to see trashy people, there’s always a Target next door.
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November 5th, 2014 at 4:16 pm
Ha! Yeah, we should’ve gone to target. You’ll have better luck convincing me once the snakes move in for the winter. Then I might consider New Jersey. You don’t have snakes, right?
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November 5th, 2014 at 7:19 pm
What is it with you and the snakes?
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November 8th, 2014 at 12:56 pm
It’s the SNAKES, not me.
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November 8th, 2014 at 9:14 pm
Ah, so snakes are afraid of you, then?
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November 9th, 2014 at 9:11 am
They should be afraid of me but I don’t know that they are since they keep coming in uninvited.
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November 9th, 2014 at 4:20 pm
You see, that does not happen in this state.
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November 5th, 2014 at 2:09 pm
I reread the TCBY line like three times.
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November 5th, 2014 at 4:17 pm
HA! I’ve since learned that it means The Country’s Best Yogurt, which makes a little more sense.
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November 6th, 2014 at 7:12 am
The family safety filter on my computer blurred out the picture of the squash….can you guess why? LOL!
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November 8th, 2014 at 12:56 pm
That is hilarious.
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March 18th, 2015 at 7:36 am
“a meltdown over frozen yogurt” Love that. 🙂
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