When Thing 2 was about 4 years old I made the mistake of putting his bed beneath a window.
A friend of mine was visiting along with her daughter, and we had left the kids inside while we went to look at my flowers. There were two older kids in charge, and the windows were open so we’d hear any screaming. Seemed legit.
I had a bench in the garden that faced the house. We could see the kids playing through the window. We could hear them laughing and talking. We could see Thing 2 press his face against the screen. That’s when we both leapt up and yelled NO!
It was too late. Down he went, ass over teakettle. Luckily, the window was only about four feet off the ground and the ground was soft dirt covered in leaves. So he was more scared than hurt. So was his mother.
When I was about 20 I got hit head on by a little old lady without a driver’s license. It was a similar feeling of seeing in slow motion this horrible thing and being unable to stop it.
Raising kids I feel like that a lot. Not to that extent, but just a vague sort of constant worry. What if, what if, what if? Then they go and do some normal everyday thing and break bones doing it. If you are reading this, children, yes I am referring to breaking bones while walking and while swinging on the monkey bars. Neither of those things did I ever worry about. I also never imagined my child would throw himself out of a window.
We all know that worry is pointless and bad for our health. But it is so hard to stop. My mom worried about us kids all the time, I’m sure. But I bet she never worried that my brother would break his nose by running into a 2 x 4. So worrying really is pointless. Our kids are never going to catch leprosy or whatever weird shit we’re stressing over. They’re going to do something stupid and fall out a window.
Have you ever seen something about to happen and been unable to stop it? Do you worry as much as I do? Do your kids do stupid shit?
We Don't Chew Glass 
August 3rd, 2014 at 8:25 pm
Morrigan falls on her ass while standing in one spot with both feet on the floor.
No. Really.
Recently she got a new bed. She calls it “the bouncy bed”. I have told her a million times to stop jumping on the bed because she’s going to hurt herself. She hasn’t (yet), but she has fallen out of the damn thing while sleeping three times already.
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August 3rd, 2014 at 8:30 pm
God, that sounds like my daughter. She’s a mess, seriously. And my kid that fell out the window falls out of his bed a lot. So naturally we got him a bunkbed.
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August 3rd, 2014 at 9:31 pm
Be careful with that — when I switched my son to a toddler bed, he fell out so many times he decided to no longer sleep in it, but made his own bed out of blankets and pillows on the floor. He slept there for the past 6 months. Only this week did he start sleeping in the bed again. Hah!
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August 4th, 2014 at 5:31 am
Well, he’s 12 now so I’m hoping he’s over that. *fingers crossed for you and me*
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August 3rd, 2014 at 8:49 pm
My daughter fell off a TV set and broke her arm. On another occasion she ripped her arm open and needed I-forget-how-many stitches playing on a jungle gym.
Don’t ask. She survived – that’s all that matters.
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August 3rd, 2014 at 8:51 pm
Fell off a TV! Of course she did! Lol.
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August 3rd, 2014 at 8:56 pm
I honestly have no idea what she was doing up there. It was at the neighbor’s house, and Neighbor Mommy was all in a tizz, and I was, “Oh for crying out loud – again?” She thought I was a most unnatural parent! It’s not that my girl was especially accident prone, but … she Did Stuff, you know? Mostly she was fine, but sometimes she got dented.
She survived. And so did I.
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August 4th, 2014 at 5:32 am
My girl is especially accident prone — but she gets it honestly, from me, lol. I’m glad you both survived. Here’s hoping we do too without too many broken bones!
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August 3rd, 2014 at 9:01 pm
Yes, yes, and yes. Both my boys, when they were around 4, ran directly into traffic. We were mere inches behind them. Luckily, both somehow survived. I still have nightmares about it and it was more than 15 years ago for one of them. Now that they are teenagers, they are just newer, scarier things to worry about. And don’t even get me started on the dog.
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August 3rd, 2014 at 9:05 pm
Eeek! No wonder we get gray hairs once we become parents!
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August 3rd, 2014 at 9:19 pm
This brings back a horrifying memory. One of those memories that you lock away because thinking about it can
trigger huge anxiety…but here it goes. When my older son and I were on our own, we lived in a shitty 3 room apartment on the top floor. The windows were long and thin and close to the ground. I was at one end of the house and I saw zach, sitting in the window pressed against the screen. He was two. I didn’t scream, i just ran as quietly as I could and snatched him away before the screen broke. He would have fallen two stories onto a concrete patio. ‘
I dreamed about that for years
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August 4th, 2014 at 5:27 am
Oh God, Michelle, that is a terrible memory. So sorry to have made you think about it! And so glad you saved him!
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August 3rd, 2014 at 9:32 pm
When I was young, I broke my collar bone by trying to sit in a kitchen chair with too many stuffed animals in my arms. No lie — I approached the chair on one side and just fell right over the other.
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August 4th, 2014 at 5:30 am
Kids! So graceful! Lol.
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August 4th, 2014 at 2:35 am
I worry about my daughter all the time. When she was two she fell forward into the arm of a rocking chair. Instantly blood was shooting and nearly covered her entire face. We flew into the bathroom and when we wiped the blood from her face she had just a teeny tiny hole in her forehead that the blood was shooting from. The rush to the hospital was cancelled and we just had to show her lots of love so that her blood pressure would go down. It was terrifying though
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August 4th, 2014 at 5:38 am
Oh! We had a similar experience. My son was playing outside and fell on a brick of all things. There was blood *everywhere* and I was sure it was bad. Like you, it ended up just being a tiny cut, thank God.
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August 4th, 2014 at 6:38 am
Yup, the very first serious car accident I ever had. I was 16 and driving a ’62 Chevy Impala. I’d been watching this douchenozzle move through traffic for several miles and I clearly remember thinking “he’s going to cause an accident.” I was trying to give him plenty of space but it was rush hour. I got stopped in the left lane of a 4 lane street, waiting for someone to turn left across traffic. I looked up in the rearview and saw him speeding up on me, looking over his shoulder to change lanes – only he was going way too fucking fast. I braced myself on the steering wheel and he nailed the back passenger corner going 55mph. I was at a dead stop. He hit hard enough that it sheared off all 4 engine mounts, among other things. I’m lucky to be alive.
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August 4th, 2014 at 6:44 am
Isn’t that the worst feeling? Seeing it coming but being unable to stop it? Oh, I still get nervous on the road. We were going about 60 and she turned right in front of us, hit us straight on, and it was a miracle that no one was hurt badly. I was actually sitting in a lawn chair on the passenger side because we didn’t have a front seat.
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August 4th, 2014 at 10:14 am
I left my kid in the bathtub for 5 minutes, while I was right outside the hallway on the phone. She shaved her eyebrow off. I felt like the worst parent.
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August 4th, 2014 at 10:44 am
Shaved her eyebrow off! OMG, so sorry, but that is HILARIOUS.
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August 4th, 2014 at 11:10 am
You should have seen her, walking around with just one eyebrow…and then I would have to explain why….
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August 4th, 2014 at 10:42 am
Yes, yes, and yes. Baby C once got out of his walker (still not sure how), climbed up the steps, and then fell down the steps…all the while I was busy doing something (work related, I believe) and felt confident that nothing could happen to him while trapped in his walker.
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August 4th, 2014 at 10:45 am
Kids! I’m so glad I’m past that stage, where you have to watch every second or they are swinging from the ceiling fans.
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August 4th, 2014 at 12:46 pm
I still have to keep an eye on Baby C, but not like I once did.
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August 4th, 2014 at 11:54 am
When I was babysitting my cousin a hundred years ago, we were battling dragons aka trees with swords aka sticks. I did an impressive round about swing that was beautiful until, in slow motion, I saw my cousin step in front of my sword. She was okay but had one hell of a knot on her head and I was never asked to baby sit again…
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August 4th, 2014 at 1:23 pm
Oh no! Or, an inventive way to get out of babysitting.
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August 4th, 2014 at 2:37 pm
NOOO! I liked that cousin, now her brother…
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August 4th, 2014 at 1:40 pm
I once climbed out of my crib somehow and toddled all the way to my parents’ room (past a large flight of stairs, no less) because I was awake and wanted them to get up and play with me. I didn’t hurt myself, but I easily could have. Freaked the hell out of my parents.
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August 4th, 2014 at 1:54 pm
Oh, Gosh, I bet it did freak them out. I’m so glad there aren’t any stairs in my house. My daughter would be rolling down them all the time. She’s always up to something and it always ends up with her on the ground with a boo-boo, real or imagined.
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August 4th, 2014 at 7:08 pm
My husband and his brother used to push each other down the stairs when they were kids
Oh, brothers…
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August 4th, 2014 at 5:10 pm
I don’t think (I hope!) my kids would never do anything as stupid as the stuff I did as a kid.
Advice from my most ridiculous incident lest anyone should follow in my footsteps:
1) Don’t hold a roller disco in your garage…
2) …particularly when your little sister is already in there hammering nails into a block of wood.
3) Don’t then get into an argument with said sister about her hammering drowning out your music (Double Dutch by Malcolm McLaren, if you want to know, whilst I cringe in a corner).
I genuinely DIDN’T SEE the next thing coming: she hit me over the head with the hammer!
4) Through the tears DO enjoy seeing your little sister, for once, get into MASSIVE trouble.
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August 4th, 2014 at 6:31 pm
She hit you with a HAMMER?! OMG. I’m sorry that I’m laughing hysterically.
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August 5th, 2014 at 3:17 am
We’ve laughed hysterically about it many times since. But, man, there were so many bad decisions made on so many levels that afternoon.
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September 1st, 2015 at 2:35 pm
Had just moved into our new house. I used the tool box to fix a leaky pipe. While i was working, my boys started fighting. My ds3, got angry at his brother and threw a wrench at him. My ds5 tried to move out the way but wasnt fast enough and the wrench landed on and broke his big toe.
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August 4th, 2014 at 6:43 pm
I wish that were advice I could actually take. My daughter is in college now and I still worry about her every single day. Pretty sure I will be worrying about both of my kids until the day that I die.
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August 4th, 2014 at 7:06 pm
Me too. We can’t help it; I don’t think it’s possible.
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August 4th, 2014 at 8:23 pm
Does saturating his jeans with Axe body spray and setting them on fire…while he was still WEARING them count as stupid shit? If so, my son wins the prize!
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August 5th, 2014 at 7:18 am
LOL! Yes! What the hell was he thinking? I’m totally laughing my ass off.
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August 4th, 2014 at 8:25 pm
I never used to worry about dangerous things or “what ifs” but– and this is pretty ridiculous– I’ve started to develop this paranoia that something is going to happen to The Boyfran. Every time he leaves I’m like WEAR YOUR SEATBELT, DON’T TEXT AND DRIVE, WATCH OUT FOR THINGS FALLING OFF OF TRUCKS, DON’T GET SHOT.”
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August 5th, 2014 at 7:19 am
Well, seriously, considering your track record with dudes, it kind of makes sense that you’d want the good one to be extra safe.
Which makes me wonder — does he realize that if he fucks this up, he’s going to star on your blog?
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August 5th, 2014 at 9:53 pm
Ha! I should ask him that 😉
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August 4th, 2014 at 8:45 pm
I feel this way every time a seizure is coming on
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August 5th, 2014 at 7:20 am
Oh no! Forgive me for not knowing – is it you or a child that has seizures? They are terrible, and I’ve heard that a sense of impending doom is one of the signs. My son’s step brother has them and I always worry when he’s over here.
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August 5th, 2014 at 8:04 am
I have epilepsy. I’m medicated and most of the time it’s NBD. 🙂
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August 5th, 2014 at 10:25 am
Ah. I’m medicated too. I think I’m even taking epilepsy meds. But just cause I’m crazy.
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August 5th, 2014 at 10:56 am
IS IT TEGRETOL BY ANY CHANCE?
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August 5th, 2014 at 11:33 am
NO. Why, should I stay away from that one?
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August 5th, 2014 at 11:44 am
No it’s just what I’m on. We could have been Tegretol twins. Ha!
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August 5th, 2014 at 11:54 am
Well you never know with me. I’ll let you know, lol.
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August 5th, 2014 at 1:40 pm
That’s what I was on for years 🙂
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August 5th, 2014 at 1:43 pm
Hahaha of course it was. *fist bump*
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August 5th, 2014 at 5:15 pm
*fist bump*
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August 5th, 2014 at 6:44 am
I totally get it. My daughter also has a tendency to go head first into things. She has a scar on her forehead from a 4 x 4 post and another in her eyebrow from- yep, another 4 x 4. Go figure.
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August 5th, 2014 at 7:25 am
Apparently pieces of wood are much more dangerous than previously thought.
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August 5th, 2014 at 12:13 pm
My kids are prone to weird accidents. Here are just a few:
When my oldest was a baby and my husband and I were moving in together a stack of pots and pans magically fell off of the counter (that was across the room) right on to his head. It was like there was a poltergeist that flew threw the room slinging them off at him!
When he was learning how to walk up the stairs I would usually go behind him to keep him from falling backward, but once he got behind me and I had to smash his face into the step to grab him while holding groceries so he wouldn’t fall off backwards and slam his head into the concrete.
This poor kid also fell out of the house….twice. Once out of the front door that wasn’t shut all the way and once out of the back door because he figured out how sliding doors worked, but not yet steps.
He ALSO has a permanent dent in his forehead (or as permanent as 3 years is so far) from walking face first into a raised brick fireplace hearth with a blanket over his head….don’t ask.
This is all the stuff I can think of that happened before he was 2! I am surprised he’s made it to almost 4 and that we have another one who has survived 14 months in this house!
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August 5th, 2014 at 1:23 pm
Wow! I thought Thing 3 was accident prone! I guess we can’t wrap them in bubble wrap. I hope he doesn’t end up setting his pants on fire like Jana’s boy, lol.
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August 5th, 2014 at 1:44 pm
The bad things that happen are never the things we worry about. I never worried that my husband would have to have open heart surgery at 40, or that I would be diagnosed with epilepsy (or idiopathic seizure disorder, depending on who you ask) or that my son would break his thumb falling off his bike and I wouldn’t realize it FOR THREE DAYS. But those things happened. So I can’t decide if the fact that I’m not going to be able to anticipate the bad things means I shouldn’t worry about them, or that I should worry about really weird things in addition to “the usual.” Neither is a particularly comforting prospect.
My coworker’s mom tripped at work and her wedding band ripped off part of her ring finger. I added that to my List of Things To Worry About at Two A.M. When I Can’t Sleep.
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August 5th, 2014 at 2:05 pm
Noooo, it means you shouldn’t worry at all! (Says the girl with a 2 a.m. list a mile long.)
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August 5th, 2014 at 5:16 pm
I know, you’re right. *sigh* I try. Sometimes I just don’t try very hard. 😉
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August 25th, 2014 at 5:24 am
So many ways to hurt themselves, it’s a miracle we are able to shepherd any of them to adulthood.
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August 25th, 2014 at 6:36 am
Right?! They definitely keep me on my toes, that’s for sure.
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September 2nd, 2015 at 9:17 am
Once we were at a friends house about to go swimming and my daughter 5 at the time decided to jump into the pool without floaties. I heard a splash but was turned taking off my bathing suit cover and not paying attention. It took me a second to turn around, saw her floaties in the chair n see my kid in the pool, water over her nose, staring at me. I just stood there frozen like an idiot. Then I stepped down the steps and grabbed her. She was actually treading water. She coughed alot and I cried alot. Then she cried. I can’t imagine how she was feeling while going under. I still have nightmares..
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September 2nd, 2015 at 6:29 pm
When my son was like 9-10 months I left him inside to eat (didn’t buckle him) while i walked the dogs. I was outside 2 mins maybe. My dad come over asked if he was awake. I was like yeah inside eating. He went to check on him and came back saying no he isn’t. After i told him go get my husband he probably brought him in the bedroom. My husband was still asleep. After searching and completely freaking out. He got out of a real highchair not a low one and crawled to the dogs dishes and was playing in the water still covered in food! I felt like the worest mom ever! Even though he had no marks on him.
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September 4th, 2015 at 11:57 am
My parents told me that when I was a baby, my mom had changed me and left my poopy diaper on a shelf above my crib, and well I somehow got it down and next thing She knew I was covered in the poop I was playing with.
I was found hanging from the chandelier at 2. It was right over the dinning room table and wasn’t to out of my reach. So, I managed to climb up there and decided to swing from the chandelier. Lol and yes I thought about the song too while writing this.
I was also found at 2 climbing the China cabinet. It almost fell while I was on it.
I was also found jumping on the couch at 3 and decided to stage dive onto the coffee table where I ended up with a stitch on the right side of my forehead. I still have the scar.
At 12 I got 2 stitches under my bottom lip because I went over the handle bars of a bike. My tooth went through my lip and chipped.
I now have a very accident prone husband and a 19 month old daughter who takes after us both and now we have another baby on the way. I think I’m 5 weeks pregnant and I am waiting for my first appointment to determine how far I am on September 30th. Lol. Wish me luck. 😀
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September 4th, 2015 at 3:43 pm
Oh Lord, good luck. Mine seem to injure themselves doing normal things–like walking. You, on the other hand, maybe have a future as a stuntwoman? You know what they say…you pay for your raising! (God, I hope that’s not true.)
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September 15th, 2015 at 8:59 pm
I know this is an older post but I just found your page and have been reading and laughing so hard I’ve been crying for an hour. But I had to comment because I have a good stupid shit story. When I was like 6 or 7 me and my mom were at her friends house for a cook out. All of the kids were inside eating because the bugs were insane. After I finished I was in a hurry to get back in the pool so I took off running for the door. One of the other kids decided to try and beat me to the door so I took off even faster. About 3 steps from the door I tripped (over my own clumsy ass feet) and fell face first into the storm door. Instant base ball on my forehead, covered in blood, took 28 stitches to close up the cut on my knot. Fast forward 20 years my 5 year old is running across the living room and trips over his own feet (don’t know where he gets that from) and goes face first into the door. Instant baseball on his forehead. So I’m sitting on the couch with him trying to stop the bleeding enough to get him to the hospital and my 2 year old daughter is trying to make fun of him for what he done and DOES THE SAME DAMN THING. So I had to take 2 of my children to the hospital for stitches at the same damn time. Because they were doing stupid shit.
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September 16th, 2015 at 7:21 am
Omg, so it’s hereditary, lol? I bet that hospital visit was fun. Did they ask to speak to your children alone? 🙂
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