I accidentally adopted a cat who is a psychopathic asshole.
Let me tell you how this travesty occurred.
I’ve been in the market for a new kitty for some time. For various reasons, each time I thought I’d found one, it fell through. You’d think kittens were gold the way I couldn’t get my greedy, ready-to-pet hands on one.
Finally, an animal shelter only 50 miles away posted on Facebook that they were “overflowing” with kitties. I was ecstatic. They only wanted a bag of cat food in exchange for one kitten, spayed or neutered. I called them to verify this outrageous claim and was assured it was true.
They did not mention the ridiculous hoops you have to jump through in order to adopt a pet from a shelter.
My first stop was a pet store to get the aforementioned cat food and also stock up on other pet supplies and kitten needs. While I was there, I met a vaguely rough looking little black furball who was there visiting from another shelter. Though I liked her persistent attitude, I had a plan and I was determined to stick to it.
After getting lost and driving in circles for approximately 45 minutes, I finally found the shelter. They eagerly took my cat food and let me play with the kittens, but when I inquired about taking home a demure little grey lady, they informed me that I needed my other pets vaccination records, a letter from my veterinarian, and my left pinky toe to make the transaction complete.
I was heartbroken.
On my way home I decided to take another look at the kitties at the pet store on the off chance that their rules weren’t as rigorous and they had one who liked me.
As I walked into the store, the shelter people were putting her in a carrier. I held her and petted her and she crawled up around my neck like a cat scarf. I concluded that it was meant to be. Fate had led me to her, in Fate’s usual fucked up, roundabout way.
These shelter people were eager to find homes for their cats, and even tried to get me to take more than one. You’re welcome, Husband. I left with one cuddly kitty in a box, excited to share her sweetness with my family.
I was a little concerned that she did look rough – kind of like an alley cat, but she curled so sweetly around my neck that I decided it was because she had led a rough kitty life and in her new home she would no doubt thrive.
I had no idea that she would thrive at the expense of the rest of us. Now that we are home, she has shown her true colors.
She is a complete nutcase. She has terrible gas and farts in my lap with impunity.
I cannot write or draw or sew or do anything with my hands without being attacked.
She chews on me as if I were a piece of beef jerky.
She will NOT stay off the table, and she has cowed my other cat completely. Suzanne eats first, she shits first, and she has first choice of napping area.
Crazy Eyes has taken over our home. Even my husband can’t stand against her, and every morning I find her sleeping on his face. I try to teach her right from wrong, but she refuses to learn. She chews on cords. She sneezes in my face. She walks on wet paint and my computer keyboard. She ate the letter “d” off my laptop.
I flick water on her when she gets on the table and that seemed to work for awhile, but now when I do it, she just licks it off and goes about her business. On the table.
I think she knows I’m writing this because right now she is curled in my lap like the sweetest little thing you ever saw. She hasn’t bitten me once since I started typing. She may be reading my thoughts.
July 4th, 2014 at 10:49 am
Jings! She does look a little rough around the edges. Stare her out, show her who’s boss! Get the water spray out! Failing that put up cats for sale $20 give the first interested person twenty dollars! 😉
July 4th, 2014 at 11:29 am
Ha! I may try that!
July 4th, 2014 at 12:00 pm
Okay…I admit it, I was laughing my damn ass off reading this, but that picture of you with the J.C. blast was when my drink went spraying.
July 4th, 2014 at 12:08 pm
Haha. She’s a monster! 😉
July 5th, 2014 at 8:22 am
I have never had luck with cats…my last one liked to take a shit in my bed. LOL
July 4th, 2014 at 1:06 pm
Usually cats are so easy — give them some food and water, and show them the litterbox, and they are good to go. But I think they can have issues — I once had a cat that got pissed off at me when I adopted another cat and she began to pee in my bed and poop on top of my shoes.
Maybe it’s not so much Crazy Eyes you need to watch out for — but your first cat. She may just be biding her time before she gets her nasty, nasty revenge.
July 5th, 2014 at 7:34 am
I think the problem is that I thought I wanted a kitten, but in reality I wanted a cat. So I’m just going to wait her out. Hopefully everyone survives.
July 4th, 2014 at 1:52 pm
ALL kittens are nutz. My syringe raised babies Meera and Tedloch Jakoback are just as illed mannered and I KNOW they have not had it rough. Teddy alternates between trying to french kiss me in the mouth to trying to bite my lips if I talk. AND they give not a shit what I think.
July 5th, 2014 at 7:37 am
Clearly I had a mistaken idea about how a kitten would behave. Or that it would behave in any manner.
July 4th, 2014 at 4:32 pm
July 5th, 2014 at 7:38 am
Wanna borrow a kitten?
July 4th, 2014 at 7:35 pm
As a perso who keeps rodents as pets allow me to say that All Cats Are Evil.
Ahem. I’ll see myself out.
July 5th, 2014 at 7:40 am
Wait. What kind of rodents? And why??
July 5th, 2014 at 2:12 pm
I’ve had rats and gerbils and a guinea pig — and one day I hope to own a capybara.
Oh, and I kind of babysat two field mice that I caught in my kitchen (it was too col to release them, so I kept them in a cage and fed them for a couple of weeks).
Oh, I do so love the wee furry buggers!
July 5th, 2014 at 7:13 pm
Dear Lord. I have a ferret but that’s as close as I’m getting to rodent-like.
July 5th, 2014 at 7:33 pm
You don’t know what you’re missing. Rodents are smart and affectionate. Wonderful pets.
July 5th, 2014 at 7:36 pm
I’ll have to take your word for it. Eek!
July 5th, 2014 at 5:02 pm
Wow. She really conned you. I had a cat who would claw his way around the edge of my bed at about 3 am. Loads of fun.
July 5th, 2014 at 7:14 pm
I’m hoping she grows out of it, but these comments are not really making that seem any more likely, lol!
July 6th, 2014 at 3:05 pm
Mine likes to fart on my pillow right before I lay down to sleep.
July 7th, 2014 at 2:54 pm
Gross! Suzanne’s current favorite trick is sitting on the back of my chair — right by my head — and letting one loose.
July 7th, 2014 at 4:03 pm
July 7th, 2014 at 2:24 pm
You must really like Orange is the New Black! 🙂 A friend of mine had an insane kitten once. We stopped going to her house because the beast would attack everyone, including her, the whole time we were there. It shredded part of one of my dresses….that was the last straw for me. I hope you have better luck, Dandelion!
July 7th, 2014 at 2:34 pm
I LOVE OITNB. Love it. Dandelion, lol. I really named her Suzanne because of that one scene where she squats and pisses right outside Piper’s cell. That’s the kind of attitude I’m dealing with here.
July 8th, 2014 at 10:49 am
Cats, in my experience anyhow, are insufferable divas. Good luck taming this one.
July 8th, 2014 at 12:05 pm
Thanks, I’m going to need it.
July 9th, 2014 at 8:33 pm
Sounds like you might have your hands full with this one. A true problem child. A cute problem child…..that should count for something!
July 10th, 2014 at 8:28 am
The problem child is currently perched on my shoulder like a parrot. *Sigh* She is cute and cuddly (sometimes).
July 6th, 2022 at 4:35 pm
Thannks for this
July 7th, 2022 at 10:36 am
Thank 😊 you!