I strongly suspect that this post is going to contain Too Much Information. So, if you are one of my kids, go clean your room! I already told you about that pile of laundry!
Other people, consider yourselves warned. I am highly medicated and I’m going to tell you a story. About my vagina.
Still here? K. Let me start by saying that I am like a medical anomaly. Things that no one is allergic to, I am allergic to. Simple procedures turn into nightmares. Medications “anyone can handle” make me want to crawl out of my own skin.
Five years ago, after the birth of Thing 3, I had an IUD placed.
The best thing about this, in my mind, was the whole “set it and forget it.” It lasts five years.
Fast forward a couple of years and I was at the lady doctor for regularly scheduled maintenance and…they couldn’t find the IUD.
Um…what? Where in the hell could it have gone? Eventually, I was assured that it was all good, even though my doctor at the time admitted that she “had no idea” how we’d get it out when the time came. I think she basically called my uterus a black hole.
Okay, so now my five years are up and it’s time to find this little bastard and get it out.
I had to have an ultrasound to locate it which, again, made me feel like my uterus was being called bad names. (I might be overly sensitive.) Anyway. So the doctor says he’s going to use these
giant pliers forceps to grasp the thing and pull it out.
But first, he was going to numb me up down there, “much like the numbing shots you get at the dentist.” Yeah. Only IN MY VAGINA!
It hurt. Next they had to open my cervix. You may know this as cervical dilatation, or what happens WHEN A BABY COMES OUT.
He finally got done stabbing me with various instruments of torture and said I should be good to go. Except I was shaking and pale and about to pass the fuck out.
Eventually I recovered enough to get out of there and my mom took me shopping, because ouch.
Once we got to the store I quickly realized my limitations and ended up driving this sweet ride through the store:
We got home and I went directly to bed. To give you some idea of the amount of pain I was in, I dreamt that I was being shot three times in the stomach, then I would pull the bullets out and get shot three times again. Over and over.
I woke up around 10 p.m. and thought I was dying. (This happens pretty frequently.) I realized then that I couldn’t pee and, in fact, had not been able to pee since I’d had the
war on my insides simple procedure performed earlier that day.
The next morning I called the doctor’s office and the nurse I spoke to told me to go to the emergency room. I told her that I was really hoping she would just tell me to go back to bed. She did not seem to find me amusing at all, which was sad, ’cause I’m pretty funny y’all. Anyway, I politely declined the ER and eventually had my mom drive me back to the doctor.
because my body hates me when my cervix was getting numbed, my pee-control nerve got numbed too. (I know, these medical terms I’m using are difficult to comprehend, just bear with me.) Also, my bitchy uterus considers the new IUD a little invader and wants it out, and that’s why I’m being shot repeatedly in the guts cramping. I was told that normally this doesn’t happen. Normally, a person would only cramp for 30 minutes or so. So, to stop the cramping, the doctor prescribed me some medicine which I’m allergic to and now here I am, with a numb pee-button and an angry uterus.
The moral of this story is:
How the fuck should I know, I can’t even pee right.
February 19th, 2014 at 9:42 am
I am NOT laughing AT you. I swear. And I am so sorry you are in pain…but damn, this is funny.
If everyone would blog like this, I would do NOTHING but read blogs all day long. You truly satisfy my raging inner voyeur.
Now excuse me, I have to pee.
February 19th, 2014 at 9:50 am
Ha! I love you Michelle!
I need to look into what I have to do in order for my sole responsibility in life to be reading blogs.
February 20th, 2014 at 1:25 pm
Wouldn’t that be a dream?
February 19th, 2014 at 9:50 am
Wow. That sucks. I’ve never had one of those things but I’ve had a LEEP procedure and thought I was dying after that. Here’s to hoping you gain control over your button soon. Don’t need your eyes turning yellow. >.<
I hope I never have to have a IUD now.
February 19th, 2014 at 10:09 am
Haha! Thanks. It’s getting better. I think next time I’ll go with something less…invasive, lol.
February 19th, 2014 at 9:58 am
Enlightening stuff Steph. I think…
February 19th, 2014 at 10:11 am
So much you never knew you never wanted to know! I reassured myself before hitting publish by thinking, “Well, Sean Smithson posted about poopy pants!” So now you know I’m using you as the measure of what’s appropriate. How scary is that?!
February 19th, 2014 at 10:20 am
Ha. I love it Steph. I’m like the barometer for inappropriateness.
On that note, I’m sure my last two posts have offended people. Hopefully some of them laughed though!
February 19th, 2014 at 10:28 am
I started reading your latest post last night, but I was so out of it I couldn’t keep up with the acronyms. Tonight’s goal is to catch up on all my blog reading. And also, to pee.
February 19th, 2014 at 10:34 am
Oh no, you’re the second person I seem to have confused. I’m so sorry. I really thought about scrapping that post as it had too many in-jokes but decided I had to go for it as it sets me up nicely for future stories.
I promise the next one will make more sense!
February 19th, 2014 at 10:01 am
Yikes. I’ve heard some other IUD horror stories, but this one is by far the most horrifying.
February 19th, 2014 at 10:16 am
Winner of most-horrifying IUD story! *Adds to awards section that doesn’t exist. Yet.*
February 19th, 2014 at 10:19 am
Hey, if you’re gonna do something go balls to the wall.
February 19th, 2014 at 11:12 am
Great story! Hope everything comes out OK today! (sorry couldn’t resist!)
February 19th, 2014 at 11:39 am
Haha! Good one! (Me too.)
February 19th, 2014 at 11:31 am
I wish you and your pee-button well. I get to go have my bladder filled with liquid til it cracks, so y’all might get a fun post about that.
Also, those ridey carts are the best part of shopping when a gimp.
February 19th, 2014 at 11:42 am
Say what?! That doesn’t sound like a good time. At all. Or really even a good idea. As to the carts, I don’t know that I will ever walk in a grocery store again. I’m hooked. Now I just need a little handicap sign to hang around my neck.
February 19th, 2014 at 12:02 pm
I am so sorry but I found this so horribly hilarious. I do hope your uterus stops being such a little biatch though.
February 19th, 2014 at 12:16 pm
Right? I think I can have her ass evicted if she doesn’t shape up. I think. Wow, I know so much about my own body and how it works.
February 19th, 2014 at 6:32 pm
OMG! This is such a horrible nightmare that i feel really bad for laughing so hard I almost peed my pants. Love the way you could infuse it with humor!
February 19th, 2014 at 6:58 pm
There seems to be a theme here…I can’t pee, and I’m making everyone pee themselves. 😉 Thanks for reading and commenting!
February 20th, 2014 at 6:23 pm
I am so sorry for laughing at your pain but holy crap. I literally need to pee now. That might have more to do with the beer I finished and the pot of black tea I started drinking, but you’re not helping!
February 20th, 2014 at 6:47 pm
HA! *Always* here to help.
February 20th, 2014 at 7:06 pm
Also: Numb pee-button. “Pee-button” is what I will call my urethra from now on.
February 20th, 2014 at 8:46 pm
You know, I think everyone should. Spread the word, “pee buttons” are now a thing.
February 20th, 2014 at 8:50 pm
What is it about the giant instruments of torture that doctor’s use?? I just wrote a post about that very thing (and since it’s about birthing, most of those scary tools got jabbed in my nether regions).
Here’s hoping you were finally able to pee — the last thing you want is to add insult to injury by having a catheter jammed up there!
February 21st, 2014 at 7:19 am
I don’t know, but it’s ridiculous. I feel better, no catheter necessary!
February 23rd, 2014 at 5:10 pm
I love your face in this picture.
February 23rd, 2014 at 6:04 pm
It’s a good look for me, lol.
February 23rd, 2014 at 5:12 pm
This is not too much information. I can sympathize. You should read my post about having the Essure implant. Great stuff. Keep it up.
February 23rd, 2014 at 6:06 pm
Thanks. I will for sure read it – I picked up a pamphlet about that. But, I’m really thinking I’ve been through enough and it’s my husband’s turn to suffer.
February 28th, 2014 at 6:17 am
I know I’m late by days and days to comment – but.. OMG. I hope you are feeling better now? How horrible 😦
February 28th, 2014 at 7:32 am
Oh yes, I’m all better. 🙂
March 21st, 2014 at 3:11 pm
Ow! Yes, really too much information! 😉
March 21st, 2014 at 3:57 pm
LOL! Sorry…kinda. 🙂
April 7th, 2014 at 9:08 pm
You made some very bad things awfully funny. So thanks for that.
April 8th, 2014 at 6:26 am
Thank you! You know what they say, laugh or cry. (I think I actually did both, but whatever.) 🙂
July 1st, 2014 at 11:19 pm
Holy snappin’ duck shit, Steph, have you got any idea how happy I am right now not to have a uterus?? I’m assuming your per-button is performing as it should, or in your, no longer numb…sheesh, I gotta go thank my Queen…
July 1st, 2014 at 11:37 pm
Stupid phone! That was supposed to read, PEE- button, and, in your CASE…my phone hates me, anyhoo
July 2nd, 2014 at 11:30 am
Haha, I knew what you meant. And yes, I’m all better!
October 9th, 2014 at 2:03 pm
Wow – I almost felt guilty for laughing at that but that was too fucking hilarious! In case it makes you feel better – just imagine what cryotherapy feels like “down there”. Feckin’ Judas VaJayJays! I am SOOOOoo following (it’ll be a miracle if I don’t get fired). 😉
October 9th, 2014 at 3:59 pm
Lol, don’t feel guilty a bit. And no thank you, I don’t think I want to imagine that. 😉