I sleep with a white noise machine. I used to use a big box fan, but my husband would get pissy when I would point it at him because I didn’t want to be fanned, I just wanted to hear it fanning.
“White Noise” is what the machine is set to, because I’m afraid “Rain Forest” would make me wet the bed, and I’m a grown-ass woman.
I have to pee now just looking at that.
The noise machine is on a timer and shuts off after an hour. Sometimes (a lot of times) it takes me longer than that to fall asleep. After I’ve reset it two or three times, the “white noise” starts sounding different, like a beat, or words, or just sounds being repeated over and over instead of just the shhhhhhhhhh sound it is supposed to be making.
Today my husband and I were lazing in bed ( it was an extremely rare quiet moment in this madhouse) and he asked if I’d ever seen the movie “White Noise.”
bing images
Me: Yes! The one with the TVs. Creepy!
Him: I can’t believe that sound helps you sleep. (Probably thinking about last week when he left REDRUM on the bathroom mirror in steam, and when I got out of the shower I screamed and ran outside and wouldn’t go back in. This is why we live in the middle of nowhere. Because he’s an ass, and I often panic before I’m even dressed.)
Me: I know. And it’s weird how it changes. The other night it was saying something over and over.
Him: ?
Me: I don’t know, just words. It was something with a “D,” maybe de-code, de-luge, Den-ver. I don’t remember.
Him: Jesus.
Me: What? It’s like when you are surrounded by chickens and it sounds like they are all saying your name.
Him: *Snort* That has only ever happened to you.
Me: What? No.
Him: Yes.
Me: Really? That’s just me?
Him: Falls asleep laughing while I lie there and try to force the crazy voice inside the noise maker to communicate with me again. It didn’t work.
Note: My family used to raise chickens. I seriously wore headphones and carried my Walkman (yes, Walkman) because thousands of chickens all buck-buck-bawk-bawking at the same time would somehow coalesce into “Steph. Stephanie. Steph.” And that is really fucking creepy.
I refuse to believe I’m the only one this happens to. I’m not that crazy.
Right?
We Don't Chew Glass 
January 5th, 2014 at 10:40 pm
Okay, that would freak me out. But I *have* to fall asleep to some type of noise. I bought my husband this clock that has 20 different noises to help people fall asleep. We love it. Okay, *I* love it and I’m a jerk for buying him a present that I actually wanted for myself. hahaa. I used to live near train tracks and I actually MISS the sound and the slight shaking of my condo. *sigh*
LikeLike
January 5th, 2014 at 11:14 pm
The chickens? Or the noise machine? The noise machine doesn’t really freak me out, I’m just like, “Shut the fuck up and make your soothing noise so I can sleep.” I’m a jerk too – my husband and I like a lot of the same things, and I always feel *somewhat* bad when I get him a gift I really want. But I don’t think we should blame ourselves. It is not our fault that we have amazing taste and it’s mildly contagious! You are probably the ONE person in the entire world that misses that sound! The shaking might be nice, but the noise of a train seems like it might be even more bothersome than my husband’s snoring, which can reach epic levels and might one day be the death of him.
LikeLike
January 5th, 2014 at 11:17 pm
OH- THE CHICKENS!!!! Sometimes, when I can’t fall asleep but my husband is already asleep, I wake him up and tell him to turn on the “sound clock”. Totally passive aggressive and wrong!! It makes me chuckle just a little though.
LikeLike
January 5th, 2014 at 11:33 pm
Ha! When my husband is snoring, I flop all around the bed and sigh really loudly. If that doesn’t work, I poke him. We are bad.
LikeLike
January 5th, 2014 at 11:41 pm
hahahaha…I’m a notorious heavy sigher!!! poor husbands.
LikeLike
January 5th, 2014 at 9:20 pm
I think after I heard the white noise talking to me, I never be able to fall asleep to it again. But, I’m easily scared. Jurassic Park gave me nightmares for years. I usually fall asleep to the TV.
LikeLike
January 5th, 2014 at 10:31 pm
Jurassic Park! That’s hilarious. I can’t fall asleep to the TV. If I hear it, I have to look and see what’s happening, and then I’ll really be up all night.
LikeLike
January 6th, 2014 at 11:00 pm
Haha! This is amazing. I can’t say that I’ve ever heard chickens calling my name, BUT! I do tend to hear phantom music once I turn mine off… it will be silent but I’ll think I still hear it. OoooOOoooOOooo…
LikeLike
January 7th, 2014 at 11:31 am
But Aussa, have you ever been in a chicken house? Have I found the ONE PLACE in the entire world that you have not ventured? Holy shit. Now you have to come to Arkansas.
LikeLike
January 7th, 2014 at 2:39 pm
Haha! Ah, that sounds scary… Never ever have been to Arkansas, you win!
LikeLike
January 7th, 2014 at 3:55 pm
I’m not sure that counts as a win, but I’ll take it.
LikeLike
January 9th, 2014 at 6:03 am
I’m crazy too, it’s cool.
LikeLike
January 9th, 2014 at 9:04 am
Awesome. I knew it wasn’t just me!
LikeLike
January 9th, 2014 at 10:13 am
I hate white noise. I’ve always been sensitive to sound, so I found the slightest hum, whine or hiss to be too distracting to sleep. But, also, because I swear I hear words in the noises.
My grandma, on the other hand, could not sleep without the TV on. Even after she was asleep, if you turned it off, she would wake up. Now my son is the same way. I can sometimes get away with shutting off the TV, but now I find my nights are filled with Curious George, Wallace & Gromit and other animated programs.
LikeLike
January 9th, 2014 at 6:33 pm
This makes me so happy! I mean, I’m sorry you hear voices also. But still!
I have to set a sleep timer on our tv and then just wait for it to go off. If it’s my husband, he falls asleep before his show even starts. My daughter on the other hand will wake up at 3 am and say, “WHO TURNED OFF MY SHOW? WHERE’S THE REMOTE?” and then cry herself back to sleep when I refuse to participate. I definitely could not sleep through Curious George. I’d have to see what he was up to!
LikeLike
January 9th, 2014 at 10:58 pm
I would kill my husband over the redrum. Holy crap! He’s a crazy one – funny too.
LikeLike
January 10th, 2014 at 9:04 am
He wasn’t home when I discovered what he’d done, luckily for him. He is funny, and I think he has a death wish.
LikeLike
January 11th, 2014 at 2:58 pm
The slightest noise (real or imagined) wakes me up at night. My husband also snores — and between the two, I was never sleeping, which made me incredibly cranky. I finally had to resort to making Doc wear this mouth thingy that (amazingly) really works — and then I had to wear earplugs for any other noise (although it doesn’t block out the noise in my head).
How was it growing up on a chicken farm, Steph? My kid’s school used to be across the street from a commercial farm (about a dozen of the buildings that are in your picture). The smell — I can’t even begin to describe it!
LikeLike
January 11th, 2014 at 3:17 pm
I imagine that I would sleep like a baby if I was wearing earplugs. That sounds heavenly. Or maybe not. More likely, I would lie there and fret about not being able to hear a burglar or the smoke alarm!
When I was little-little my dad was in the Army, so until I was about 11 (working age, lol) we lived on army bases. Now I hate chickens and chicken houses and even chicken meat most of the time, if that tells you anything. I like living in the country and chicken farming let us do that….so I don’t want to make it sound like hell, but we did have to pick up dead chickens. By hand. And then there was the smell that you mentioned.
LikeLike
January 13th, 2014 at 4:28 pm
I hear people saying my name all the time. Strangers, co-workers, random noises. And I have a VERY uncommon name. I cant decide if I am a narcissist or crazy.
LikeLike
January 13th, 2014 at 5:20 pm
I’ve come to terms with being a little nuts. Since it’s clearly not going away. Cool name!
LikeLike
January 27th, 2014 at 11:27 am
HAHA.. we raised Chickens too. I used to think they were saying my name too. Or. “Looook up.. look… look… uuuppppp” I kept thinking they were warning me of nearby hawks and eagles that wanted to swoop them away for a dinner party. 😛 “Look up…. uuuup… loook… uuuupp….” Poor little things.. 😛
LikeLike
January 27th, 2014 at 11:46 am
Oh, goodie, it’s not just me then.
Now I’m thinking I maybe should’ve listened more closely. Maybe a single chicken can’t do it, but a collective of chickens has the power to communicate…
…and this is why I’m not getting any work done. Because I’m dreaming up conspiracy theories involving chickens, of all things. Good God.
LikeLike
January 27th, 2014 at 9:37 pm
I can’t sleep with out my box fan on! When i stay at familys, i use the white noise app on my iphone.
LikeLike
January 27th, 2014 at 9:50 pm
An app! That is going to be so helpful, thank you!
LikeLike
August 19th, 2014 at 2:29 pm
I bounced here after reading a Bloggess post and seeing your comment. I’ve been binge-reading since then….um. Three hours ago.
…I’m perfectly safe, I swear.
ANYWHO.
My Grandma raised chickens. I hated those little fuckers. They were evil. Someone wise (Brette Butler) once said, “Poultry is hateful.”
And while I have never heard chickens murmuring my name whilst in a crowd, I ~have~ heard robbers sneaking up my stairs at night.*
* – It was NOT the water heater ticking. Robbers, I tell you.
LikeLike
August 19th, 2014 at 3:51 pm
I’m so glad you came by! I’m safe too…mostly. I completely agree about the poultry, and sympathize with the hot water heater — er, robber — issue.
LikeLike
December 13th, 2016 at 11:44 pm
cant sleep without a white noise machine & what it repeats to me changes every night. adam doesnt hear that shit so i guess im just hallucinating?
LikeLike
December 14th, 2016 at 5:34 am
Okay, this is getting hilarious. How can I not remember things THAT I WROTE MYSELF? And now laugh at my own jokes. Omg.
LikeLike