I’m sure by now you all know about my unique dietary restrictions and are probably tired of hearing about it.

Too damn bad.

I bought a juicer because I am gullible trying to be healthier.  Since I’m allergic to everything except vegetables and pie, you can probably guess what I’ve been eating a lot of.  I’ll give you a  hint: It ain’t vegetables.

So I saw all these things on Facebook talking about smoothies and how delicious they are and yum, yum!

I call bullshit.

I made my first smoothie and this is what happened:

Nasty.

Not very appetizing to me, and although a few people did see it and say “yum,” I think they were just fucking with me.

Here’s what I don’t get.  I can put some strawberries and some ice and like half a banana in there and it makes a not-vomit inducing 8 or 10 ounces of smoothie.  It’s not terrible, but it’s not terribly good either.  Why not just eat a couple strawberries and a banana?  It’s easier and it tastes better.

I think I’m missing something.  Are you people adding alcohol or ice cream or something else delicious that I don’t know about?  Is there a whole smoothie underground that I’m not a part of?

When I bought my juicer I bought kale and some other green stuff that I can’t even identify, almonds, steel cut oats, some other kind of grain that looks like you ought to feed it to a chicken, and wheat germ.  This shit is no good, I’m telling you.  Consider this a public service announcement.

Eat some broccoli and a damned salad and be done with it.  You mix all that shit up and it becomes a green sludge that would gag a … I don’t know, a picky eater I guess.