Have you ever felt like holding yourself together is all you’re capable of? I’ve been holding myself tightly, arms crossed over my always-sick stomach. What if I let go and I just…crumble? Fall to my knees, sob, and just howl my anguish. I’m afraid that if I let go of this fucking pain, it will destroy me. I won’t get back up. So I don’t let go. I try not to think. I push my thoughts aside however I can. Of course I’ve cried, probably a million times. But something about this pain, these tears, feels different. This pain tastes like eating hot coals, one after the other, until I burn up from the inside out.
You know that game we surely all played as kids, where we pretended the floor was lava? That’s what my mind is like these days. I’m balanced on the tiniest of throw-pillow islands with boiling, steaming red grief surrounding me. I’m burned no matter which way I turn, and so I stay on this pillow, stuck, raw and blistered.
I keep picturing myself like this:
I sit in a lawn chair in the middle of my house while strangers wander around talking quietly and judging my things. Someone asks, “How much for this chair
that caught your daughter when she fell asleep standing up after claiming she wasn’t tired?” And I say, “ That chair is not for sale STOP TOUCHING MY MEMORIES I’ll take $50 for the pair.” And so it goes until my home this house is empty except for me and the past.
The guilt is eating me alive. At the same time, I’m screaming in my head that this isn’t my fault. The irony: My mental and physical illnesses are destroying my life and there’s nothing I can do about it because I’m mentally and physically ill.
April 15th, 2019 at 7:46 am
I love you. I am thinking of you. I’m glad you are here.
April 16th, 2019 at 8:48 am
I swear I already replied to you! Anyway, I love you too Michelle, and I’m SO glad I started blogging–how else would I have ever found you?!
April 15th, 2019 at 8:32 am
So much love coming your way
April 16th, 2019 at 8:51 am
Thank you. I need it! I just asked myself last night why I don’t post more often, when every time I do post, even when it’s not funny, I get so much support from all of you. ❤
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April 15th, 2019 at 10:00 am
“My mental and physical illnesses are destroying my life and there’s nothing I can do about it because I’m mentally and physically ill.”
I’ve never read a statement that sums up exactly how I feel until yours.
April 16th, 2019 at 8:54 am
Oh, Angie, I hate that you get it! But it does make me feel a little less alone. *hugs*
April 15th, 2019 at 10:56 am
I am with you in this space, supporting you from my own house where I hide. Your feelings are valid and it is not your fault. Our similar experiences brought us here and for that I love you. 💙
April 16th, 2019 at 8:58 am
Isn’t it crazy how we can tell each other these things, and mean them with our whole heart, but it’s nearly impossible to convince ourselves we deserve the same compassion? Thank you. You know, I’m sure, how much your comment means to me.
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April 15th, 2019 at 11:33 am
I;m down to the end of April to move from my current home to one half the size. My stroke-induced dementia husband is little use and I have to do all the change of address stuff with utilities, bills, Driver’s Licenses, etc., etc., so yeah, sister, I most definitely feel your pain! I’m surviving on Xanax just to not completely spin out of control.
April 16th, 2019 at 9:16 am
It’s so much, isn’t it? Someone told me that I “don’t have to do it all today” but I think I took that too much to heart, because I’ve been mostly frozen since September! (And amen to the Xanax!)
April 15th, 2019 at 6:48 pm
April 16th, 2019 at 9:17 am
April 17th, 2019 at 12:13 pm
I’m so very sorry.
April 17th, 2019 at 6:04 pm
Thank you. I still get her every other weekend, but…it’s still very hard to get used to.