This is a thing that happened: We Don’t Chew Glass
So, I haven’t been sleeping well.
Yesterday I maimed a lawn chair.
I just now SET MY FUCKING ROBE ON FIRE WHILE I WAS STILL IN IT.
How are y’all?
I posted the above on my fb page right after it happened, but I need to elaborate on this fuckery. You might need to see this picture I posted a couple days ago to get the full effect of what went down.
Okay. So, it was really windy, and I was trying to light a cigarette (Once again, AT LEAST IT’S NOT HEROIN. I’m a work in progress.) so, being the genius that we all know me to be, I ducked my head into my robe to block the wind.
Well. That red robe up there is flammable. I don’t know if you guys know this about bathrobes, but now you do, and you’re welcome. That motherfucker just whooshed, top to bottom, huge flames. I didn’t think I would die, because I was too busy thinking, damn, I didn’t know fire was so fast.
I even put ACTUAL EFFORT into making fire a few days ago, and couldn’t. But accidentally set myself on fire? That I can do without even trying.
So, the inside of the red robe is on literal fucking fire and, incidentally, still on my body. But I was wearing two robes, so I didn’t feel anything.
Remember when I said it was really windy? Okay. So I stood up, trying to decide whether to rip the robe off or stop, drop, and roll. While I’m pondering this, I realize that the wind (and possibly my frantic flailing about, idk) has not helped the situation. Not even a little.
I finally got the thing off, and threw it in the yard, because, hey, it’s not like fucking GRASS AND TREES EVER CATCH ON FIRE.
I tried to figure out how to stop, drop, and roll the robe itself, but for some reason that seemed like maybe not what I should do.
Once the fire stopped, obviously with no assistance from me, I took it inside. Because, much like grass and trees, houses aren’t flammable. ( How have I even survived this long?)
Anyway, I decided the safest place for it was the bathtub.
Don’t ask, because I don’t even know.
Later that night, I was feeling pretty not good and sometimes hot baths help, so that’s where I headed. Lots of times, I’ll lay a towel over my body while I’m in the bath, and it’s like extra heat. But, in this particular case, I already had a burned-ass red robe in the tub, so I didn’t even have try to find a clean towel. *Note: I just realized, the robe wasn’t clean. It was my “outside” robe. Also it had just been on fire. Whatever.
The bath was very relaxing, the robe was super heavy, way better than a towel, so I just leaned back against the wall and closed my eyes, cause my legs weren’t driving me insane for the first time in days.
I guess everybody knows not to wash red clothes in hot water. If not, I’m telling you now. When I opened my eyes, that fucking bathtub looked like I had been bathing in the blood of virgins. It was like a goddamned crime scene.
My legs felt better, but from past experience I know that if I don’t fall asleep before the bath-relax magic wears off, I’ll be right back in there. So I left the blood-water in the bath, along with the robe.
I also left my soaking wet shirt, bra, and underwear in the floor, BECAUSE I FORGOT TO TAKE THEM OFF BEFORE I GOT IN THE BATHTUB.
How does a person take a 30-minute bath and not realize they are still dressed? I didn’t even notice I was wearing clothes until I tried to dry off.
Anyhow, I know I’m like the Worst Blogger in the History of Ever, but between writing stuff to hopefully get published and being sick all the time, I’ve just been lazy as fuck and used my Facebook page to share my…mishaps. Let’s call them that. That sounds like maybe shit’s not my fault. I like it.
April 6th, 2018 at 9:03 am
I love your blog!!
April 7th, 2018 at 4:44 am
Thank you! I’ve been really bad about writing here, so it almost feels like starting over. So thanks for the comment AND the compliment.
April 6th, 2018 at 3:59 pm
I learned so many things from you today. I’m ashamed that I lack the words to express how much I enjoyed this, but thank you for teaching me about robe flammability.
WAIT. Follow-up question: children’s pajamas are required by law to be flame-retardant. So why are bathrobes (worn by adults, true, but frequently by drunk adults, which negates any experience advantage) not held to this standard? I feel like you were sabotaged by the manufacturer, is what I’m getting at here.
April 7th, 2018 at 4:56 am
HOLY SHIT I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT! I think it was the little fuzzy things all over it that made it so outrageously huge, bc the gray robe just has holes with melted edges. Smh. Be careful out there.
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