This is not going to be a good post. A funny post. A nice post.
“Leave while you still can.” I feel like that’s from Indiana Jones or some shit.
I don’t know, I can’t even remember to put the taco seasoning in the taco soup.
That’s what broke me. I spent Thursday pretending to be okay. In vain, I suspect. No. No. You know what? I’m a goddamn professional when it comes to pretending. I probably looked like a stuck-up bitch, but I was there, and I wasn’t curled up on the floor crying.
My daughter’s Christmas party. I made it.
Then came home and was violently ill.
Friday. Sick. Panic attacks. More sick. More panic attacks. Migraine.
Saturday. Lightheaded. Headache. Everything hurt. Panic attack. I laid down, hoping to wake up and not be this fucking disaster, but I dreamed about being a bad person 20 fucking years ago. LET ME GO!
Anyway. I put a chair in the kitchen to try to make dinner. My husband and kids were having Family Game Night and I. Just. Couldn’t. Just fucking couldn’t.
So I sat in that chair and stirred, and it hurt, so I went and laid in bed until it should’ve been ready, and my son asked, all excited, “Is it done?” and I burst into tears because I remembered that I hadn’t put the seasoning in.
I’ve been crying since then, which has not helped my headache at all, surprise, surprise.
I want to see all my doctors, in the same room, and DEMAND to know why I’m taking all this medicine AND I’M STILL FUCKING BROKEN?!
I know that’s not how it works. There is no magic pill to make me all better. I know I will have good days and bad days, but I am so tired.
I’m so tired of fighting to just be “okay.”
Not “a productive member of society.”
Or “out of bed.”
I’ve lowered my fucking goals and expectations about as low as they can go, and I still can’t reach them.
I did these things yesterday to make myself feel better:
Listened to music. Took a bath. Read. Colored. Played games.
But even though I spent almost an entire fucking day doing what I’m supposed to do, “practicing my coping skills,” I still feel like screaming.
WHY? WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS? WHY NOW? WHY CAN’T I JUST…STOP? STOP BEING THIS FRAGILE, CRUMBLING, SHELL OF A PERSON?
Today, I hate myself. Again.
Maybe I will tomorrow too.
Either way, I’ll fucking be here to find out.