I hear the secrets that you keep…

…when you’re talking in your sleep…

You are so welcome for that earworm.

Don't be jealous of my jammies.

Don’t be jealous of my jammies.

I guess we’ve established that I’m not Really Awesome at life and things. When I’m awake, anyway.

Now I have learned a new trick, which is to be a mess even in my sleep.

I wake up every 2-3 hours a night anyway, so you would think that I wouldn’t have time for any nonsense.

But you’d be wrong, because while I may not have being a human adult perfected, I am a master weirdo.

So, a few months ago, I started talking in my sleep. I believe people usually sleep through this. I wake up mid-sentence and look expectantly at my husband for his response…and see that he is sound asleep.

Apparently, I’m able to hold entire conversations with a snoring man.

One night I woke up talking, realized that I was the only one fully engaged in what was no doubt a scintillating discussion, and went back to sleep. Then I woke myself up AGAIN, talking, and this time I was telling my husband what had just happened. Yes. I woke up explaining to snores that I had woken up talking to snores.

I’ve also fallen out of my king-size bed twice, woken up just as I was about to squirt nasal spray in my eye, and had vivid dreams (nightmares) involving denim jumpsuits, the price of cheese puffs, and being unable to move. When I wake up I still can’t move, but once I can, I’m usually so relieved that I’m not wearing head-to-toe denim or cheese puffs that I don’t even care.

The newest inexplicable occurrence happens when I get up in the morning.

Every morning there is a song stuck in my head, a song that I know I didn’t hear anytime recently, so I guess my crazy ass dreams come complete with soundtracks.

First it was Baby Got Back (which actually led to an epiphany. “She got an L.A. face and an Oakland booty.” Not an open booty, which is how I’ve been singing it since approximately the eighth grade. For fuck’s sake.)

Next it was early Metallica. “Anywhere I roam, where I lay my head is home, YEAH.”

After that I woke up singing old school Whitney Houston. “How will I know if he really loves me, I say a prayer with every heartbeat…”

Since I wake up (doing strange shit) all hours of the night, I always think, “screw this, I’ll just get up.” Then I’ll see that it’s 12 or 1 or 3 a.m. and I’ll make myself lay back down until at least 4:30. Then I go sit on the porch so I don’t wake anyone else up, and get harassed by the extremely rude armadillo who has taken up residence under my porch. It’s almost enough to get me to stop singing and go back to sleep, where my husband responds appropriately.

That never happens when I’m awake.

Do you do anything weird in your sleep? Am I the only one who has almost blinded myself with nasal spray? Surely not.

About Steph

I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often. View all posts by Steph

32 responses to “I hear the secrets that you keep…

  • Lori Vickery

    I’ve had lyrics playing in my head every couple of nights now. It’s so weird cause it’s tunes I rarely ever hear. I have a bladder condition that causes me to have to get up every 3 hours minimally and then the repeat won’t stop and I’m up till 5-7 am where I then go back to bed exhausted!

  • Michelle

    Dude, I have so many bizarre dreams. I need to catalog them. Once, I dreamed I was at the Sistine Chapel and the image on the ceiling was a projected cartoon version of the real image.

  • Margot

    According to my husband I carry on full and lucid conversations when I’m asleep. This usually happens when I’ve gone to bed before he has. When he comes to bed I have a long chat with him, and then the next morning he’ll tell me about it.

  • A Kinder Way

    ‘She’s got an LA face and Open booty’ will forever be in my head. 🙂

  • Meredith

    I totally talk in my sleep and I also walk in my sleep. Nothing recently on the latter, thank goodness. Oh and I grind my teeth too. It’s a wonder my fiance lets me sleep in the same bad as him!

    • Steph

      That would totally freak me out if I walked in my sleep. My son used to and it scared the crap out of me. Well, he still does sometimes, but it’s hard to tell “asleep” or “sullen teenager” apart sometimes.

      I. Can’t. Stand. Grinding. Teeth. I’d kick you out of my bed in a heartbeat. Gently. And with love.

  • barbaramullenix

    I dreamt that I was running uphill through a forest, and something evil was chasing me. I finally had to stop to catch my breath and then I woke up gasping for breath. Scared the crap out of me. HELLO sleep apnea!

    • Steph

      Oh my gosh! So that was like your body creating a dream where you couldn’t breathe…when you really couldn’t breathe. Surely there was a nicer way it could’ve said, “hey, we need some air.” 🙂

  • ghostmmnc

    I’ve always talked, laughed, cried, in my sleep, usually waking myself up. Now the cats get me up every couple of hours, finally I give up at about 4 or 4:30 and get up. Then yes, mid morning, I’m ready for a nap! 🙂

    • Steph

      It’s so funny, the things we do! Do you ever remember what you are dreaming about that has you so excited? I hate it when I wake up at midnight and I’m like, grrr, I’ll just get up. Then I’m like, oh shit, I JUST went to bed!

      • ghostmmnc

        It sure is strange what people do while asleep. I probably remembered what I was dreaming about at the time, but can’t recall them now. My daughter used to get up in the middle of the night, take a shower and get ready for school, then go back to bed. Never remembered doing it, when she woke up!

  • Mental Mama

    I’ve been known to sleep with my eyes open and I sometimes talk in my sleep.

    • Steph

      I used to do that, with my eyes just cracked though, not wide open. Now I can’t sleep unless I have my hand or a face mask over my eyes. Because I freak myself out, I guess.

  • tiredwife

    For the past year, I’ve found myself unable to sleep unless I am sleeping on the couch. Other than that, and rampant insomnia anyway, I don’t do much in my sleep but snore. I am totally jealous of your armadillo though. I’ve never seen a real (live) one until this summer at the zoo. They look cute.

    • Steph

      I’m sad that you are tired. I know it sucks. But. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? You’ve only seen an armadillo in a zoo?! That’s crazy to me. They are so bad here, and they root all around in your yard, and I’ve been told carry diseases so you’re not supposed to touch them. Plus mine’s a jerk.

  • Jess

    I hum and sing in my sleep. I didn’t know until Cory told me, he also shared it’s creepy as fuck. I also laugh, cry, and reach for things usually above me. That I knew because I’ve woken up grinning like a loon with my hand reaching for the ceiling. Awesome

    • Steph

      One day there might be something magical up there! And you will be ready! 🙂

      My son used to do this thing called “night terrors” that were terrifying. To me, not him. He would never remember, but he’d do weird shit like get right in your face and talk nonsense words, and jump around kind of like a baby deer, and point at things that weren’t there.

  • Me

    You aren’t the only one – I once (thank goodness it was only once or I might have been blind by now) used nail polish remover to take my eye make up off – it ended like you would expect – not well !!!!

  • ercatalano10

    Just letting you know because you’d understand. I woke up with Kriss Kross will make you jump stuck in my head!

  • Tempest Rose

    I talk in my sleep a lot. One time, when I was younger, I fell asleep while a friend and I were waiting for the right time to call my dealer. She thought she woke me up and asked me to call him, so I did, and told him that she NEEDED TWO PIZZAS. I was dead asleep the whole time. She got really, really mad at me.

    I’ve also told a friend she could beat me with a broomstick.

    Sometimes my roommate writes down the things I say, what he says in response, and so on. When he tells me I remember the dream I was having in which I said those things, but it’s always a wildly different setting and tone than how he explains it.

    And sometimes I’ll wake myself up. I’ll start talking absolute nonsense, none of it ever makes sense, wake myself up while continuing to talk, and then either 1.) try to convince the person who heard me that I knew exactly what I was saying and I was making sense (and get really mad about it), or 2.) simply start laughing hysterically at myself.

    • Steph

      So I’m not alone! Except I wake up talking sense, lol. Did it twice last night. Thought I was having a serious conversation with my husband, opened my eyes, and he wasn’t there. The other time I was talking to my daughter. Weird.

  • Mandar

    Oh god….do I have some stories! Most of these are from before I found out I have narcolepsy, which contrary to popular belief does NOT just make you pass out mid-anything. So, for a year or so I was having a hard time getting to sleep but insanely sleepy all day. Nothing helped, finally submitted to a sleep study to prove that I DON’T have apnea (because that is the first thing they say when you’re overweight). Anyway I got a call a few days later “So…yeah. You did this thing, which I honestly don’t ever see, it’s called cataplexy. Ok BYE” Basically when I startle I lose muscle tone. Like a fainting goat but not tense, just fall down. This has been exploited in the following years. But I digress, I was having nightmares EVERY night but couldn’t exactly remember it, I was just waking up absolutely terrified for my life, shaking, and naked, across the house with all the lights on. Now, you’d think I’d learn to start wearing clothes to bed but fuck that. I’d slowly start to remember the 4 ft in diameter spider that disappeared behind my headboard, but not how I got across the house, AND OH SHIT I LEFT THE BABY IN THERE WITH IT! By the time I got back to my room I forgot what was going on and went to sleep. This was every night. Sleep paralysis is this thing where your body and brain aren’t syncing up, I was mentally waking up before my body did, and that led to weird shit. I, too, wake myself up talking. My 5 year old wakes me up SHOUTING in her sleep, no good reason, has done it since she was 2. That’s terrifying, waking up to a tiny kid voice SCREAMING no. I hold conversations with dream people, not always my boyfriend, and it is hysterical apparently. The last time I did I was full on panicking about my ex boyfriends body being in my (old car’s) trunk and a social worker saw it. He actually woke me up because I wouldn’t stop saying WHAT AM I GONNA DO FUCK WHAT AM I GONNA DO OH FUCK. When I started a med called Xyrem (sodium oxibate/GHB) I did all kinds of weird shit, but mostly acted inexcusably drunk until I fell asleep mid sentence!

  • Shira

    I wake up with songs in my head on a regular basis :-). The other night I was sleeping with a menthol cough drop (sad) and dreaming of eating chocolate. Bit down and was like, “eewww, that’s some nasty chocolate” and then woke up! I immediately dug the cough drop out of my teeth. Ick! Its not like not being able to wait to finish a tootsie pop, menthol cough dtops are not to be chewed!!

    I also hum involuntarily when I’m first falling asleep. Sometimes I wake myself up.

    So–you are not alone. 🙂

    Just found your blog, by the way, and am intrigued. I admire and appreciate your honesty and openness.

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