I turned 35 a few months ago, and since then, strange and unsettling things have been happening.
Let me start at the beginning.
I started this new medication and it didn’t do what it was supposed to do, but it did inflate my ass by about 20 pounds.
Obviously I stopped taking it. Now, one would think that at that point, those 20 pounds would melt away, slip off the way they slipped on, get the fuck outta here.
No. *shakes head sadly* No, friends, I have learned that THAT IS JUST NOT HOW IT WORKS.
I have sat on my pajama-clad ass eating cheese quesadillas for months now and that weight just isn’t going anywhere. It’s baffling, really.
Five days ago I smoked my last cigarette. In the past five days I have consumed roughly 1,000 peppermints.
Obviously I did not major in fucking geology, because clearly I don’t know how calories work.
I have gained three. more. pounds. And that is not the worst part. Oh no.
My chin is…having a baby. It’s a chin baby. I have a baby chin growing under my other chin and it’s…it’s distressing.
I don’t think I’m ready for this jelly.
All my life people have said, “You’re too skinny! Have some pie!” And all my life I’ve said, “I LOVE PIE!” and now this goddamned aging is RUINING EVERYTHING.
I’ve been thinking about my options. I don’t like any of them. It seems like a real dick move that on top of trying to quit smoking I have to worry about this chin thing! Wtf, life? I mean, really. WTF.
Obviously I have to slow down my consumption of peppermints. Like maybe only eat one when I want a cigarette 25 a day instead of just constantly having one in my mouth from 10 am to 10 pm. I can work with that.
I could start walking, except I have anxiety about bears and dogs and snakes.
I could start doing yoga again as long as I lock up my judgmental fucking cat first. (She is looking at me right now with one eyebrow raised, like “I’m the reason you don’t exercise?” I told you, she’s judgmental.
Bitch, please.
I just googled “Chin exercises” but I’m not even really sure why since I can’t even be counted on to do a Kegel.
Mostly they said make stupid faces while looking at the sky or just get over it and get a haircut.
I have an appointment this weekend. I wonder if bangs help?
What was your favorite age? Least favorite? Do you have a chin baby? We should get them together for a playdate.
We Don't Chew Glass 
February 6th, 2015 at 8:08 am
Oh, dearie my. Well, congrats on the no smoking thing.
That said, I think it’s probably time to get over your damn snake and bear thing. They don’t wanna hang out with you, either.
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February 6th, 2015 at 8:24 am
They don’t want to hang out with me, they want to EAT me. I’m full of cheese quesadillas and peppermints – irresistible.
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February 6th, 2015 at 8:28 am
Bears prefer the cheese quesadillas that don’t fight back. So only the neighborhood dumpsters should be fearful.
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February 7th, 2015 at 11:26 am
Pfft. Do I strike you as a fighter?
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February 9th, 2015 at 9:04 am
Just fill a sock full of peppermints and start swingin’. That’ll stave off any bear.
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February 6th, 2015 at 9:41 am
My favorite age is any age before I realized that life mostly sucks. So sometime when I was 6 or so…
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February 7th, 2015 at 11:29 am
Ah, the good old days. I might go with 6 too. Or maybe right after I got out of diapers…you know, after I stopped shitting myself but before I realized the world didn’t revolve around me.
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February 7th, 2015 at 11:31 am
You realized that right after you got outta diapers? You were way ahead of me, then.
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February 6th, 2015 at 10:58 am
I have a chin baby. I have a bubble butt..I LOVE the age I am now because I DO NOT CARE.
Okay…I work out semi-regularly and I try to eat healthy..I’m not a total slug, but I could stand to drop 50 lbs or at least 30. If I do, it’s because I want to be healthy…I no longer care about the looks aspect. I love this. I am who I am and I’m good with that.
So, yes..I have a favorite age. It’s 51. In 3 more weeks, my favorite age will be 52..
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February 7th, 2015 at 11:31 am
You are so awesome Michelle. I am a total slug. I am hoping that since my mental difficulties are resolving, I will be able to focus more on being healthier. I mean, I AM quitting smoking! I’ve smoked for over half my life, so that’s pretttyyyy cool.
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February 6th, 2015 at 11:07 am
I’m just quite pleased that I’ve made it this far. I’ve also sort of tried losing weight but psych meds are notorious for making it damn near impossible. I am really excited for you about quitting smoking. I’m down to about 6 smokes a day which I think is pretty good. But you go girl, you and your minty fresh breath. 😀
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February 7th, 2015 at 11:33 am
Right? And I’m on SO MANY psych meds, lol. Seriously.
I’m on day eight of no cigarettes. I’m really proud too. Cutting down to 6 a day is AWESOME! I know how hard that is. I cut way down before I quit. And I may have to try to quit a hundred times before it works, who knows. But I’m glad that I’m trying.
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February 6th, 2015 at 1:14 pm
Geology! Hahaha. I also have a baby chin that may gain a sibling, who knows, I also love cheese quesadillas. I always had a slow metabolism and after hitting 40 I think it went from slow to going back in time. So, basically, don’t look to me for inspiration!
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February 7th, 2015 at 11:35 am
HA! That’s what my problem is, my metabolism is going in reverse! Cheese quesadillas are the fucking bomb. I just need to not eat 4 of them a day.
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February 6th, 2015 at 2:54 pm
It just sneaks up doesn’t it? I congratulate myself that I’m not one of those yoyo dieters, mainly because I don’t have the willpower to lose anything in the first place. I have gained two or three pounds every year, which I think is the healthy way to gain weight. Of course, the mildly distressing thing is that I now weigh what I did the week before I gave birth thirteen years ago.
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February 7th, 2015 at 11:37 am
From now on I am just going to applaud myself for not being a yoyo dieter. That is GENIUS. I also weigh what I did when I gave birth the last time. It’s like, I *care* but I don’t care enough to do anything about it. So I guess I don’t really care.
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February 6th, 2015 at 4:21 pm
I think all our chin babies should have a play date. With wine. And chocolate. And chatting about yoga without actually doing yoga.
I generally try to treat my body well, but my body doesn’t thank me for that like it used to. So I installed a dimmer on my “Give A Fuck” switch. At this point I’m just shooting for homeostasis.
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February 7th, 2015 at 11:40 am
I generally treat my body like shit. The healthiest thing I’ve done in the last year is try to quit smoking. Other than that, my diet is atrocious, I don’t exercise, I don’t get enough sleep, I don’t drink anything but coffee and Coke; I mean, I’m as unhealthy as I could be without being on heroin.
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February 6th, 2015 at 8:29 pm
I am in shape. Pear is a shape, right?!?
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February 7th, 2015 at 11:41 am
Yes, it totally is. And pears are good for you, so that must be a good shape!
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February 6th, 2015 at 8:52 pm
As I’m creeping, okay more like sliding, into my mid-40s, I’ve noticed I have a new shape (?). I think maybe I’m working on a bit of a muffin top or something, but it’s definitely new. I prefer my twenties body (but my 40s maturity and experience!).
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February 7th, 2015 at 11:42 am
Oh God, if only we could be 20 again but know everything we know now! Can you imagine? I’d love myself so hard.
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February 7th, 2015 at 6:24 pm
I have, on a number of occasions (sob) been asked if I’m pregnant only to have to tell them it’s just a food baby. (Or make up a due date to a) get their seat and b) avoid embarrassment on both our parts, but then I get questioned by the kids which is equally awkward).
But on the positive side I’m 40, but am told I look around 32/33, which I’m happy to take. My reasoning is that the fat that makes me look pregnant also smooths out the wrinkles and as people look at my face more than my arse I’m happy to keep it that way.
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February 7th, 2015 at 9:35 pm
You know, I didn’t freak when I turned 30 and I’m, on the whole, more lazy than I am concerned about my appearance. But something about 35…hopefully I’m getting it out of my system now and when I’m 40 I’ll be all zen…and also lying to get a seat.
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February 7th, 2015 at 7:50 pm
Not only do I have a chin baby, but is has a wattle hanging from it. So depressing.
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February 7th, 2015 at 9:37 pm
If we lived near each other we could go get super flattering haircuts and then stuff our faces and our chins. Then I bet we’d feel better. We might be drunk, but we’d feel better.
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February 9th, 2015 at 9:22 pm
My cat also prevents me from exercise – specifically anything repetitive designed to achieve some form of muscle tone. I believe he thinks I have fallen into some kind of repetitive seizure and goes into attack mode to save me from myself. Facial scratches are the only sign that I have exercised rather than the desired toned abs.
Love reading your blog – always entertaining.
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February 13th, 2015 at 8:00 am
It is a cat conspiracy to make us as lazy as they are! Mine doesn’t have to do much, as lazy is my natural inclination.
Thank you so much!
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February 19th, 2015 at 11:08 am
unfortunately it only gets worse as you get older. I need to watch what I eat and exercise more but I don’t. It isn’t that I am worried about the judgmental cat, I actually don’t care what he thinks. I am just lazy.
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February 28th, 2015 at 10:12 pm
HAHAHA. “I actually don’t care what he thinks.” Love it.
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February 20th, 2015 at 10:57 am
I just laughed til I actually cried over your cat picture. Ohh, *wipes tear*. Thank you for that!
I actually just wrote pretty much a whole blog post as a response (and deleted it ) so let me just say…I ran into the same thing at age 35. I’ll be 45 in March, and it hasn’t gone away no matter how pissed off I’ve gotten. Short of going to the gym twice a day and living on celery and water or possibly just AIR, I’m not sure it’s going to happen for me.
I’m working on being happy that my body is healthy and strong and my husband loves it, but inside I’m still pretty pissed.
AWESOMENESS to the nth power, about quitting smoking, though!
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February 28th, 2015 at 10:16 pm
You are so welcome. And you can write me a blog post in the comments ANYTIME, lol.
I’ve had a really rough year and I think, you know, coming out of it kind of I’m looking at myself like, “what the fuck happened here?”
I would really like to be healthier. I’d definitely like to be stronger. We’ll see if I get anywhere with that!
YES about the smoking – today is day 28!
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February 22nd, 2015 at 8:56 pm
I’ve been battling the bulge lately, too. It’s been so cold this winter that I just plain don’t want to go outside, much less go for a jog. So, to exercise, I straight up walk around my house. Like, inside the house. Not around the outside like a semi-normal person might do. I have a little pedometer – actually it’s a Pokewalker, which connects to a Pokemon game and is very very extremely important and, surprisingly, happens to be one of the highest rated pedometers on the market – that keeps track of my steps. It gives me an exact number to connect to my exercise. That little number helps me a lot, for some reason.
I wish you luck in banishing that chin baby. Imagine yourself leaving it outside to die in the elements like the Greeks used to do to deformed or sickly babies.
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February 28th, 2015 at 10:19 pm
I know what a Pokewalker is! That is so funny! I wonder if my kids still have one I can steal. I used to be much more physically active, even just around the house – always moving, always doing something you know. My health has sucked so much in the last year or so that I think I’ve spent more time in bed than out of it. I’m totally going to look into that pokewalker thing.
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March 4th, 2015 at 6:02 pm
I am 34 heading to 35 this year. Come on over and I will help you! 🙂 You help me by posting funny shit!
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March 9th, 2015 at 5:30 pm
Sounds fun! We are talking about drinking coffee and bemoaning the aging process, right? I didn’t just sign up for Zumba or some shit?
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