It’s easier to be depressed during the school year.
As I feel myself falling down this familiar hole with all three kids here, I’m scrambling. I’m scrambling to tell them I’m sick, (which I am) and I’m tired (which I am) and to get them to just play and leave me alone. I just want to lay in my bed in silence and stare at the wall for about 12 hours.
No, I do not want to play outside.
No, I do not want to go swimming.
No, I am not going to color.
No, I will not help you paint.
I don’t want to play and I’m not going to play. I’m not good today and I just need you to be quiet and play with your five hundred million toys without needing my constant supervision and cheering on.
Yes, my depression makes me irritable. No, it doesn’t help that everything hurts because I’ve overdone it this week and the weather is being weird. Yes, I feel terribly guilty about it. No, I don’t want to help you find whatever it is you’ve lost.
We made cookies from scratch yesterday. Last week we put up the kiddie pool and I watched you swim for hours. Last night we snuggled and watched movies. Today I am broken.
Today I need to not be anyone’s mommy. Today I can’t even take care of myself.
Depression is not easy any time, but it is hell in the summertime.
We Don't Chew Glass 
July 2nd, 2014 at 1:59 pm
It’s gonna pass, sister…it will. You will come out on the other side. In the meantime, I hope you find as much peace as you can. I am pulling for you.
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July 2nd, 2014 at 4:13 pm
Thanks Michelle.
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July 2nd, 2014 at 2:03 pm
Never forget that, as the Bloggess tells us, Depression Lies. Hang in there until the brighter days come.
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July 2nd, 2014 at 4:13 pm
It does lie. Lying, stupid depression! I’m going to call it names until it goes away.
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July 2nd, 2014 at 2:55 pm
I’m so sorry, Steph…I am depressed as hell, and am broken…I have taken epic naps all week…I feel hollow, and numb…getting ready to listen to The Wall…love you hon, you are not alone…how are we not supposed to be depressed when we feel like hot garbage? xoxo
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July 2nd, 2014 at 4:14 pm
I know Mer. I’m hoping once my body starts feeling a little bit better my mind will catch up. xoxoxo you too.
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July 2nd, 2014 at 3:05 pm
Hey kiddo , hang in there. It’s tough but this too will pass, brighter days are coming . Cyber hug coming x
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July 2nd, 2014 at 4:14 pm
Thank you! *hugs*
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July 2nd, 2014 at 3:06 pm
Peace be upon you…health upon yours so there’s no emergencies or dramas in the meantime.
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July 2nd, 2014 at 4:16 pm
The kids are alright…after I wrote this we snuggled and watched stupid Disney programs…still are, actually, and I’ve been told I’m “the best mommy ever” lol.
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July 2nd, 2014 at 4:21 pm
Onya Steph
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July 2nd, 2014 at 6:04 pm
You can’t argue with ‘Best Mommy Ever’. And that’s on a rough day. On a good day you must be a superhero. Even Superman has his Kryptonite days and Batman has issues. Xx
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July 2nd, 2014 at 6:43 pm
Thanks. I’m doing a little better now. You know snuggles seem to help even when you think they won’t.
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July 2nd, 2014 at 3:09 pm
Take care. Somedays it is OK to let them play with their toys and shout things from your bed. Do what you need to do.
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July 2nd, 2014 at 4:16 pm
Thanks. I needed to hear that today for sure.
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July 2nd, 2014 at 3:44 pm
pull yourself together. I bet you’ve got a lovely house, great kids, money in the bank. Just be greatful for what you do have
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July 2nd, 2014 at 4:07 pm
And also, trolls who don’t understand depression and/or chronic illness gonna hate.
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July 2nd, 2014 at 4:17 pm
Mike, you spelled “grateful” wrong.
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July 2nd, 2014 at 5:22 pm
Wow. You know, that is really helpful advice. I’m so sorry you aren’t getting the appreciation you so richly deserve. I’ll bet it’s not easy: wandering around the internet, making random assumptions about strangers, offering up trite little tidbits that so brilliantly display your ignorance. Did you go to school for that? I didn’t realize that advanced degrees in douchebaggery were being offered these days.
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July 2nd, 2014 at 4:01 pm
I’m in the same boat as you sister. ::fist bump::
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July 2nd, 2014 at 4:18 pm
Sucks, Sarah! I hate to hear it. I guess we’ll both come out the other side though. ::fist bump::
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July 2nd, 2014 at 5:23 pm
Saw your post and it struck a chord. I just wanted to come by and offer you a little solidarity.
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July 2nd, 2014 at 6:42 pm
Thanks, I appreciate it! 😉
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July 2nd, 2014 at 11:25 pm
Ahh. That doesn’t sound easy. And physical stuff as well? I feel for you. At least if your invisible balls feel too sweaty, you can soak them in the kiddie pool. 😉
Hope you feel better soon.
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July 3rd, 2014 at 8:35 am
hahahaha! Yes, I guess I can do that. Thanks for the laugh!
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July 3rd, 2014 at 12:52 am
HI friend. I’m sorry you’re on the dark side of things. I’ve been there really horribly lately which is just another reason for my silence. I’m pushing to come out of it. Not sure if I’m there yet. As I’ve said before, wish we lived closer. I’m here for you! Message me if you’re up for a chat. Hugs ❤
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July 3rd, 2014 at 8:36 am
I’ve been thinking about you! I hoped I was wrong about why you were so quiet – sorry you’re in the dark too. You can message me anytime, lady! Hugs to you.
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July 3rd, 2014 at 8:59 am
I know exactly how you feel. Take care, my friend, and never forget that these terrible feelings will eventually pass.
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July 3rd, 2014 at 10:09 am
Thanks. Makes me feel better just knowing that someone gets it.
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July 3rd, 2014 at 9:01 am
Oh, and while this won’t exactly help your situation, it certainly won’t hurt:
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July 3rd, 2014 at 10:10 am
Wombats always help! I swear I’m going to move somewhere where there are always wombats! Wombats everywhere!
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July 3rd, 2014 at 10:31 am
You certainly could live worse places, that’s for sure.
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July 3rd, 2014 at 9:39 am
I’m sorry you’re having such a rough go. Hopefully the snuggles have rejuvenated you a bit.
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July 3rd, 2014 at 10:10 am
They did, and so did all the kind comments. Thanks. 🙂
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July 3rd, 2014 at 12:18 pm
Yay. Kid love is the best. Baby C can always brighten my day.
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July 6th, 2014 at 2:28 pm
If you still feel like this (sorry, I’m super behind), try doing a search on YouTube for “paula the koala.” Won’t cure you, but it might elicit the giggles for a few minutes.
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