Painting, otherwise known as hell on earth.

I recently decided to paint my kitchen. This is kind of a big deal, because every single room in my house is the same light creamy-beige color. Deciding on a paint color is one of the many things that I find nearly impossible. There are so many choices! So many colors! For someone with a house that is basically tan, I am very much in love with every color there ever was.

Maybe I should just do my house in a rainbow motif.

I don’t even know if ‘motif’ is the word I want, but like many things I don’t know, I’m just going with it.

Also, I hate painting, but I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it.

I’ve spent weeks doing research. My kitchen is the second-smallest room in the house, so I knew I wanted the cabinets white because supposedly light colors make a room look bigger.

Problems with this:

1. Do you know how many shades of white there are? An unbelievable amount. A ridiculous amount. An I-should-just-give-up-now amount.
2. Maybe the WALL should be white instead. And the cabinets gray, like apparently every other human with access to Pinterest, a kitchen, and an ounce of sense.
3. I can’t make a decision, ever.
4. I really hate painting.

Anyway, I went to the smallest Wal-Mart in the history of Wal-Marts because I am smart and they have a really, really, small paint section, leaving me not much to choose from and making my decision easier. (This is a blatant lie. I went there because it is the closest one to my house.)

I had picked out every one of those little strips with any sort of white (and gray, just in case) before I found STICKY SAMPLES. Yes. This is a thing, and you’re welcome, because it’s fucking awesome and you need to go now and get some. They’re free. But finish reading this post first. Whoever came up with this is a goddamn genius because I was just going to use tape.

So, my entire little kitchen is now covered in different colored sticky paper. It did occur to me that instead of painting, I could return to Wal-Mart and steal all their awesome samples and, BOOM, done. *I just this second realized that idea is basically wallpaper, and I hate that even more than painting. Scratch that. Maybe.

After weeks of staring at the (barely) different shades, realizing that one of the wall colors I’d picked was the same exact color the wall already was, I made my choice. A creamy-ish white with some stupid name like “Arizona,” which, come on, when you think of Arizona you know you think of a rust color. I should name colors. New life goal. Anyway, “Ari-fucking-zona” for the cabinets, and who the hell knows for the wall. A color that is not the same color it is now, that’s all I remember.

I went to Lowes and closed my eyes tightly as I passed the million and one colors available. I had made my decision and I was firmly in the whatever-white cabinet club.

DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM HERE?

Then the paint mixer lady asked me what kind of paint I wanted. I FORGOT THERE ARE DIFFERENT KINDS OF PAINT FUCK SHIT THIS IS WHY I HATE PAINTING. (I mean, other than the actual act of applying paint to walls and my hair and anything else I didn’t intend to paint but got within 20 feet of me.) Once I started hyperventilating, she picked for me, based on what I was painting and the wild look in my eyes. Apparently, this is something normal people are able to do while breathing. Who knew.

I was really proud that I thought to buy samples for the still-undecided-wall, until I was checking out and realized that I could’ve bought enough paint for the entire wall for the same price as the sample. Whatever. Don’t tell my husband.

Yesterday I was happy with my purchases. I had actually made a fucking decision and I had samples to randomly swipe on the walls because they are just samples so it doesn’t matter! Yes, I know that in 3 years there will still be strange designs in two different colors on the wall because I never made a choice and I hate painting and I probably won’t even be done with the cabinets by then.

This morning I woke up and saw that the sticky-amazing-color-things were still all over the place. Then I threw myself on the couch and sighed dramatically because I’d obviously made a terrible mistake and WHY had I chosen such a stupid color when I could’ve gone with, I don’t know, any of the 10 other ones?! I mean, what about “Amish” or “bisque” or “any other shade of white in the entire world?”

This is a fucking nightmare. This is why my whole house is the same color.

BUT. Even though I am EXTREMELY UNSURE of my color decision, I am even more extremely cheap. I bought it. It was like thirty dollars or something. (It was more than that. You never know, my husband might randomly decide to start reading my blog.) I will be painting the goddamn cabinets whatever color this is. If I hate it, I can always paint over it in 5 years once I’ve forgotten how much I hate painting.

I’ll keep you guys updated on this catastrophe project.

P.S. I just started taking a new anti-depressant and one of the side effects is “impulsive behavior.” So it’s possible that painting the kitchen, re-upholstering some chairs, painting a bench, and turning an old piano into a desk all at the same time maybe isn’t one of my best ideas. OR MAYBE IT’S BRILLIANT. Only time will tell.

P.P.S. I’ve really left this blog to languish all alone on the internets. I feel sorry for it. I’m going to try to do better. Thanks for still being here, you nuts. ❤