If I post this right now, I will never need to stress about sharing anything because I will have already posted the most irrelevent and ridiculous shit. If I was you? I might skim this one. (But say hi or something, damn.)
I just heard a song called Loner by Maggie Lindemann and seriously, it would be my anthem if it wasn’t so…exposing.
So, here’s what’s up with me, let me know what’s up with you in the comments. I can do that because I expect two people to have accidentally read this far, but it’s also totally possible that tomorrow I won’t remember that I have a blog.
Shit, I just remembered that I came here to write a music review because I have to post something, submit something, do something (but did I really, doubtful) and I want to talk about Our Current Reality? Because what is even happening right now. I cannot with everysinglething. I mean I was more capable when I was publishing things. Now, all the things seem insurmountable. Or are insurmountable. Is it unlikely, or have I convinced myself I’m actually terrible?
There’s a Halsey lyric that doesn’t go “…need someone to come along and tell me ____ all right, is this okay?” That’s not it, but you yeah. (I should probably tell you that I use the wrong words a lot now. If I end a sentence with “so.” then you should know the rest and I gotta conserve my energy, and I don’t know the word.)
I need someone to do that but I don’t trust anyone so I probably wouldn’t believe them anyway.
I have questions.
How was I relatively ok when the kids were little? Was it that everything was so immediate with children that I didn’t have time to have a breakdown? Taking care of them gave me some sort of structure in my life? That’s funny, because I can hear myself saying, “Kids need structure and routine!” Was that part of it?
Well, this fucking pandemic definitely didn’t help anything, right? You’re supposed to stay home, you know, and my body wouldn’t handle a serious illness, so. Also, I don’t drive anymore and live on the edge of the forest.
Shit! My back is killing me, of course my neck always hurts, and I keep getting distracted. This is what happens with anything I try to do, I either get sick or get distracted with something else and then forget what I was doing or I suddenly realize that I’m just sitting here with my head in my hands again.
I initially was going to punish myself for not…being better/submitting literally anything/doing one normal human thing by writing a music review (which isn’t punishment even but it’ll make me feel stupid so). I had to stop and think about what I came here to do.
Okay, so I guess I won’t tell y’all everything right this second. Or even anything.
We Don't Chew Glass 
February 6th, 2022 at 12:40 am
When I saw an email notifying me that you had a new post in your blog, it made my heart happy.
I looked up the song. It’s good. The lyrics are even better. I love when you come across a song at just the right time that exactly explains what youre thinking/feeling/going through.
So although you may think that you didn’t give us anything, for me you did. Thank you for that.
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February 6th, 2022 at 1:01 pm
Thank you. You have no idea–or maybe you do. Your kindness could be the thing that makes me hit ‘publish’ on another post. Glad you like the song, and I hope you are well.
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February 6th, 2022 at 10:22 am
I’m so sorry that you’re going through such a hard time. I liked the song, so you’re sharing. I was also happy to see your blog. It’s a good place to vent and let us help you (maybe) feel a little better.
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February 6th, 2022 at 1:04 pm
Barbara, you always make me feel better. How are you?
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February 6th, 2022 at 1:19 pm
Not bad and I’m even getting $1.00 refund from the IRS. How can you beat that?
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February 6th, 2022 at 1:21 pm
ONE DOLLAR? That is pretty incredible! 🙂
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February 7th, 2022 at 1:42 pm
Damn, Steph. How do you manage to write about nothing and still say everything in a way that goes right to the gut? I’m sorry things suck for you right now. I’m trying to drag myself out of a fair amount of fundamental suckage myself, actually. Maybe I’ll try to write through some of it. Maybe if I do I’ll actually hit publish. After all, you did, so.
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February 7th, 2022 at 5:25 pm
I love you. I hope you do hit publish. I survived that shit, so.
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July 17th, 2022 at 9:34 am
I’m so beyond everything that I’m just checking messages from February. I enjoy reading your posts and knowing I’m not alone.
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July 17th, 2022 at 2:17 pm
Thank you for taking the time to reply! Sometimes it’s a hassle, I know, but God, does it help to know someone, somewhere gets it.
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