What is this? *gasp* I’VE WRITTEN AN ACTUAL BLOG POST?!
Well, kind of. Don’t get too excited.
I’ve been pretty busy lately, and by “busy” I mean “trying new antidepressants, being sick as fuck, and lying in bed staring at the wall.” Also, I’m working on a novel, but shhh, because it likely won’t be done until we all own flying cars and I have a robot brain.
I have been posting sporadically on my Facebook page. Which you should all be following by now. Or, if you thought I’d dropped off the face of the earth, you should go follow this instant. This. Very. Instant.
Okay, so anyway, this morning I decided to poke around here on the blog. To my surprise, there are still about 17 people a day reading old posts. This makes me feel both amazed and ashamed at how I’ve abandoned…myself, I guess. I’ve ignored my own blog. God. Maybe one day I will become an actual person. Or I will get that robot brain and it will work much better than this one. (By the way, I had an MRI done and my brain is actually trying to creep down my spine. It hasn’t gotten very far, which is good, because YOU CAN’T JUST JUMP SHIP, MOTHERFUCKER. We’re all in this together.)
I looked to see what people were searching for that brought them here. Most of them were legit searching for We Don’t Chew Glass! THAT was a very pleasant surprise. Of course, next came the pervs and most of them were some variation of…hahaha, I’m not repeating that shit. But they were gross. Super. Fucking. Gross.
(Just in case you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, my blog shows me what people type into Google that leads them here. So, when a person types “I’m Not That Mom article” into their Google search bar, my blog pops up. The link to We Don’t Chew Glass apparently also comes up when anyone searches for anything containing the words, “pee, sex, prostitute” which is complete bullshit and taken totally out of context. I’m sure those people are extremely disappointed when they click my link. Great, now even “click my link” sounds dirty.)
Here are the latest Top 10 Search Terms, minus anything too disgusting:
- parenting skills and meth
Math? Did you mean math? I’m going to pretend you meant math.
- you wont even notic that im jesus
Probably true. I’m not very observant.
- something that is not graceful
This is just…not nice. And even worse, there was another one that said, “things that are not graceful.” LISTEN, GOOGLE, I KNOW, OKAY? I KNOW.
- am determine to fuck a mummy for money, who is interested?
Not a mummy, I’m pretty sure.
5. these motherfucking slugs on this motherfuckin porch
This one actually makes sense. I may have even typed those exact words.
- I am a shark
This is just the best. I hope the shark liked my blog and is still hanging around. I want to be friends with this shark. It seems bold and confident.
- what would happen if we had no glass?
I feel like I’ve put far too much thought into this question. Maybe not as much as the person who searched the internet for the answer, but still, too much.
8. do teenagers have to wear jackets in November
Yes. It’s the law. Be sure to film yourself trying to make this happen, because otherwise no one will ever believe you.
- will the cleaner fuck my husband
A LOT of people seem concerned about this. From what little I’ve read about people who have maids and nannies, it’s always the nanny. Always.
10. that is what i want, a perfect prostitue is even better than you, to me, get the point, you are disturbing
There were many, many prostitute searches. This one though. This is a perfect example of how internet searches DO NOT work.
Anyway, I hope you guys are all doing great. I wish I was reliable enough to say I’m going to blog more often, but that would be a big fat lie. Maybe I’ll be “fixed” soon! Right now I’m trying this thing where you only concentrate on the present moment. At this moment, my ass hurts from sitting in this chair and my coffee is cold. So that means…I own a chair, an ass, and a coffee machine. See? Progress!
xoxo,
Steph
We Don't Chew Glass 
July 22nd, 2017 at 10:34 am
Dammit, I still mostly get “Unknown Search Terms”… and the ones I do get are almost never Jesus!
I’m so jealous.
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July 22nd, 2017 at 6:54 pm
Oh, I get a lot of those too. They outnumber hookers even!
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July 22nd, 2017 at 10:52 am
Best of luck with your new meds. Hope serenity finds you soon. I don’t use Facebook much, so will be happy to see you back here when the mood strikes!
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July 22nd, 2017 at 6:55 pm
Thank you! I do feel a little more inspired lately…knock on wood. 🙂
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July 22nd, 2017 at 2:24 pm
I wish I had Facebook just to keep up with you more! Welcome back….sorta
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July 22nd, 2017 at 6:58 pm
It’s kind of ironic that I, who has barely been on fb in weeks, keep telling people to like my page! I think it’s bc I’m lazy, so I can write one funny sentence, easy edit, and instant gratification.
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July 22nd, 2017 at 6:52 pm
I can’t believe you let the coffee get cold. That is disappointing.
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July 22nd, 2017 at 7:01 pm
I KNOW! I’m terrible. You’d think once I was on my 3rd pot I’d be more on top of shit, but no. That would be incorrect.
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July 22nd, 2017 at 7:06 pm
3rd pot??? Of what? Decaf??
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July 23rd, 2017 at 5:46 am
Bahahahaha! Yesterday I drank I don’t know how much coffee, but a lot, AND a 5-hour energy drink, and still took a 3 hour nap.
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July 23rd, 2017 at 6:33 am
Damn, those new meds must have some drowsy side effects.
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July 23rd, 2017 at 6:46 am
It’s just that all my ailments come with fatigue. It’s a bitch. The new meds actually make it harder to sleep, but I’m still exhausted, if that makes sense at all.
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July 23rd, 2017 at 10:58 am
Sorry to hear that. That is the suck.
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July 23rd, 2017 at 4:44 pm
Thanks for the giggles at the search things. I never get any, so it’s fun to read yours. 🙂
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July 23rd, 2017 at 7:29 pm
You’re welcome! Try inserting random dirty words in your posts. Or not. Probably no. I wouldn’t.
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July 25th, 2017 at 8:45 am
“Jessica Rabbit gif tits” is probably the most persistent search term my blog gets. I guess it’s not the worst legacy I could hope for.
(Lovely to see you poking about the blogosphere again, by the way, however temporarily!)
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July 28th, 2017 at 5:28 am
Hahahaha! I like that much better than “peeing on ______” (insert random people, places, things) or “how do I pick up a prostitute.” I DON’T KNOW, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! 🙂
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September 7th, 2017 at 2:25 pm
I have like four blog posts started and pretty much done…. aaaaaand then I realize that I haven’t looked at it in three or four months and anything I write at the moment will be drenched in depression and no one needs that.
We struggle, especially those of us who are trying to parent with depression and pain issues, to finish just about anything. I understand completely. I have like 72 tabs open in my browser, three emails that I am working on and I have the material to make 4 weighted blankets I am going to get paid for, but you know my ass is still sitting here with cold coffee watching the A&E thing on Laci Peterson. (I may or may not have wasted my entire morning leveling up my Titan in Destiny 2 so I can pass up my oldest child. Which won’t happen, but a mom can dream…)
I know you posted this in July, but I just finally got around to responding to it. You were one of my 72 tabs open. I am only 2 months behind on “correspondence”, if you will.
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September 8th, 2017 at 2:49 pm
Hahahahahaa! EX-FUCKING-ACTLY. Example: Right now I’m supposed to be looking up info on some writing contests and seeing if I have anything I could submit, posting on my fb page that I have sorely neglected, and finding a place to hide my private journals. But you see what I’m actually doing. 😉
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September 13th, 2017 at 10:17 am
I just want you to not feel bad. I am NOW watching police dash cams for entertainment. Can you even imagine how low my life gets some days when dash cams are my fun for the day? (And I kinda think that you and I know each other pretty well, even having never met.)
I am supposed to be working on a proposal for these things, of which I think you need one, so I may be asking for your address in email. They are called Badgers of Courage, and I am having people sponsor them or buy them for themselves, and the company that makes them is giving them to me wholesale so I can ship them to first responders, like my cousin, who went to Texas and my sister in the Texas National Guard, who struggles with depression in ways that break my heart. But these people all left their safe homes and went to Texas and tamed their brains in order to save lives and bring comfort to people who had lost everything. And so I believe they need Badgers of Courage. And the company that I am getting them through, their CEO is a former Navy wife and thinks this is an amazing idea, and worked out a flat rate shipping for me and got them to give me the pins at $1.33 each, which cannot be more than it costs to make them.
BUT! Even with just using my facebook, I have more than 100 of them sponsored and another 60 that are being purchased for people for themselves to hand out. So I did a good thing. Which for me is a big deal right now. Here’s hoping you have a Good Thing, too.
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