I have a long and extremely fucked-up history of being plagued by random creatures, living and/or dead. It would take way too much work to fill you in on all the things, so I’ll just remind you that I probably brought this on myself because of that one time when I gave my mom dead hermit crabs for Christmas.
(If you just can’t help yourself, you can find most/all/at least some of that shit around here somewhere.)
Recently, a black cat showed up at our house. (Not Suzanne, for those of you who remember that psycho.) He just made himself right the fuck at home and irritated the shit out of me from the get-go. Then he started killing rodents, which were apparently also living in our yard. THIS ISN’T A FUCKING HOSTEL, ASSHOLES.
Anyway, his sadistic tendencies instantly ingratiated him with my husband, who would pet him and tell him how wonderful he was every time he produced a corpse. I, on the other hand, being a normal human being, would either scream and run or freeze and be trapped, depending on my proximity to his dead rat/squirrel/mouse/whatever he found to murder that day. Lately I’ve spent a lot of time crouched in a chair on the porch, whimpering, “GOOD KITTY NOOOOO GET IT THE HELL AWAY FROM ME OH MY GOD PLEASE STOP JUST GO!”
He loves to torment me with dead things, but he is absolutely joyful when his victim survives until he finds me. Then he can toss whatever it is up in the air while running around me in circles until I die.
So I migrated to the deck because it’s less accessible to my enemies.
I spend a lot of time out there at night, because I don’t sleep well and I haven’t quit smoking for the 6th time yet and at least it’s not heroin, okay? Fuck.
There are a lot of noises out in the woods, but mostly I just worry about squeaks or cat footsteps because the Murder Cat is one sneaky sonofabitch. I can tell the difference between a deer and a possum or a ninja by the sounds they make while blithely trespassing in my yard. (Ninjas sound like silence but when they jump it’s with purpose and cunning, unlike armadillos who can’t seem to control themselves and just leap into the air over any damn thing.)
Early one morning, around 3 o’clock, I heard the sounds of a fierce battle coming from under my trampoline. It sounded like a dragon fighting a goat, but a dragon would have trouble fitting under a trampoline and surely I’ve had enough goat issues to last a lifetime.
It should be a surprise to no one that I ran.
I woke up my husband and told him about the dragon/unicorn/goat fight going on 10 feet away from me and waited for him to be relieved that I escaped unscathed, but apparently 3 a.m. is too early for feelings and he sucks so he just stared at me like I was crazy.
The next time I went outside, there was a deer standing closer than usual to the house. (And they aren’t shy; they get pretty damn close anyway.) It stayed and stayed and stayed for days and days and days and I thought it loved me and wanted to be my pet forever, but then I realized it had a messed up leg and probably couldn’t leave because hobbling is hard in the woods. I guess.
So I forgot all about everything because that’s what I do, but then another time I heard something big-sounding in the yard in the middle of the night and I was in a really bad mood so I yelled, “GO AWAY I HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!” Instead of being scared and running away because I am scary and wild animals are “more afraid of us than we are of them,” (this is a lie) it ran toward me. It sounded like thunder would sound if it had feet and was barreling towards me at a ridiculously high rate of speed. This was definitely not a unicorn. Dragons aren’t that fast, plus a dragon would probably just do that fire breathing thing because dragons don’t give a fuck about Fitbits or steps or whatever that weird counting shit is that people are doing these days.
It should be a surprise to no one that I ran.
I didn’t bother with my husband because he “seriously doubts” there was any kind of beast-fight in the yard and he doesn’t know shit about shit.
The very next day I miraculously remembered the events of the previous night, so naturally I decided that I was as good a tracker as the next guy who claimed to be able to track things because, fuck, I can read and I know stuff and also I have a sword. This was brilliant because these creatures don’t come out in the daylight (duh) and even if they did (it would be just my luck for that fucking goat/unicorn to be some kind of anomaly that does whatever the hell it wants, rules of the wild be damned) then I would just brace myself with the sword held out in front of me and let the creature impale itself. Like I said, brilliant.
I immediately found Large Piles of Animal Shit. (I told you I could track like a mofo.) I took pictures even though that meant I had to put down my sword for a minute, because bravery is one of the things I’m known for.
Googling “Dragon Poop, Unicorn Shit, and Goat Crap” cleared up exactly nothing about this mystery, but I did scar myself for life and now there’s a sticky note on my laptop that says, “Be wary of Googling feces.”
Anyway, eventually I found matching shit pictures and it wasn’t a unicorn or a goat or a dragon. IT WAS A WILD BOAR.
I know, right?!
Seriously, I mean, there was a bear here recently (truth) and there’s this humongous coyote with absolutely no fear of automobiles and I think it’s because he’s actually a wolf (werewolf, duh, that’s obviously why it’s not scared of cars and I don’t know why people don’t just listen to me). But even though I know all this, a wild boar still seemed a little unlikely. Nevertheless, I employed my sweet-ass wildlife tracking abilities, albeit from my car because hello, I’m not insane and I’m not fucking with a boar. Driving slowly down the road I decided, based on absolutely nothing, that the boar lived in an overhang near the shit piles.
Armed with my poop pictures, I felt like I had enough evidence of Wild Hog Activity to tell everyone I knew that there was Definitely Absolutely Without a Doubt a mean pig living in my woods. There was skepticism because people are dumb and maybe because my first theory (dragon/unicorn/goat) was a little off.
BUT THEN.
My son revealed that while riding a 4-wheeler he saw approximately 10 baby pigs. (Fucksake, they’re called piglets have you never seen Winnie the Pooh?)
Boom. Wild boar. Go fuck yourself. I know things.
(I did not ask him if he saw them before or after he wrecked the 4-wheeler and sustained a serious concussion.) (I know it was serious because on the way to the ER he told me I smelled good and that’s the first nice thing he’s said to me in 13 years and he’s 14 now.)
We needed to do something immediately, because I can handle a lot of things (no I cannot) but not a feral-ass pig. Especially one with piglets (boarlets?) because then they are vicious motherfuckers. (I already knew this from my research, but also, my daughter decided to be super helpful and, while at a wildlife conservation place, she told the Animal Police about my sword plan without mentioning the fucking sword, but they said it was A-Okay, which is good because what the fuck child, do you want me to go to jail?
Because my body is a bitch and never lets me do anything fun, I had a migraine and was not available to help track this animal. So of course they didn’t find it. Hello? Who knows what they’re doing here, me and my sword or you with your “hunting experience?”
That’s what I thought.
It’s been weeks since there’s been any suspicious activity, so I guess the beast-pig realized that I was no regular human, but a mighty swordswoman and dangerous adversary, and made the logical choice Not to Fuck with Me.
Or it was just a lame-ass wandering farm pig. BUT HOW LIKELY IS THAT?
January 18th, 2017 at 7:45 am
for all that is holy, I look forward to your stories like Christmas. I recently got a black kitty. Alfie the kitty. He only kills his Mr Bill doll and his bed. haha.
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January 18th, 2017 at 7:47 am
I’ve read about Alfie, and been jealous AF. I don’t know why the Murder Cat is such a psychopath. Also, I love you.
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January 18th, 2017 at 8:35 am
Thank you for my sanity.
You are not alone.
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January 18th, 2017 at 8:37 am
Thank you!
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January 18th, 2017 at 8:40 am
Thank you for starting my day out like this – hahahahaha! You are hilarious and brilliant and also brave as fuck. BOARS?? I learned recently that wild boars are a big problem in Texas. I had NO idea. Like – it’s YUGE problem. That’s some scary ass shiz right there.
p.s. i luv the murder kitty
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January 18th, 2017 at 8:44 am
Lol! Remind me to tell you about my friend who raises hogs.
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January 18th, 2017 at 12:32 pm
I need to go drinking with you. Just sayin.
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January 18th, 2017 at 7:11 pm
I’m in.
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January 18th, 2017 at 7:56 pm
😀
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January 18th, 2017 at 2:11 pm
This is hilarious. And how many cups of coffee did you have before you wrote it??
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January 18th, 2017 at 7:12 pm
Hahahahaha, right?! I kept cutting parts out, but somehow it kept getting longer!
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January 18th, 2017 at 7:16 pm
I loved it. I was admiring your stamina.
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January 18th, 2017 at 7:22 pm
Dude. If you added up all the time I spent on this post it would probably equal about a week. Bc I would spend 10 minutes, decide it was awful, flop on the bed in a fury, and take a nap. Repeat.
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January 18th, 2017 at 6:37 pm
My facial muscles just got a crazy intense workout from me trying desperately not to burst out laughing in the office while reading this, so thank you for helping me out with my new year’s resolution to exercise more often.
Now if I could just figure out how to add “mirth concealment” as an activity in my fitness tracker app…
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January 18th, 2017 at 7:11 pm
Hahaha! Let me know when you figure that one out!
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January 18th, 2017 at 7:16 pm
So….next time my Son and I go hunting, we would like you to come along. I mean you seem to attract some of the animals we are hunting…perhaps we could work out some sort of time-share-rental?!
😉
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January 18th, 2017 at 7:25 pm
Hahahaha! That. Is. Hilarious. You’d have to put my name on the plaque, and also maybe name a kid after me.
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January 19th, 2017 at 5:11 am
Well since my wife and I are not planning on having any more kids, you may have to settle for us naming the next family pet after you. 😉
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January 19th, 2017 at 1:45 pm
This got flagged as spam! Let me know about that pet. I’m not super picky.
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January 18th, 2017 at 9:50 pm
So this made me laugh (OF COURSE) and then I went to read the next story Reader had fed up to me, and it was this. There’s even a picture of what can only be pig shit. Surely not a coincidence! (Also, I wonder if Reader thinks I’m a little odd with my choices?) https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/2385005/posts/1302558884
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January 19th, 2017 at 5:44 am
That’s hilarious! (After seeing that farm, I suddenly want my own.)
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January 19th, 2017 at 2:45 pm
Isn’t it beautiful! And everything she does is with such olde worlde style! I want to be her when I grow up!
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January 19th, 2017 at 2:00 am
This post was the best thing that happened to me all day. Ignore the fact that it’s actually 2:00 am. This was an awesome story, no matter what time it is.
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January 19th, 2017 at 5:47 am
Thank you! (It’s been so long since I’ve been able to write, this was probably the best part of my day too, lol.)
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January 19th, 2017 at 9:59 am
But if sword is your weapon of choice, you’re going to have to get awfully close.
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January 19th, 2017 at 10:20 am
This is true. I need a spear. And probably some armor.
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January 19th, 2017 at 10:26 am
Armor = courage.
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January 21st, 2017 at 3:01 am
So glad I found your blog! A day in your life makes me feel sooo normal. Almost suitable for public consumption (not the old fashioned tuberculosis consumption-the eating kind, except now I sound like I want crowds of ppl to eat me. I don’t. Rarely. And only with chocolate sauce or whipped cream)
So thanks for being you. Makes being me feel so much less “out there.” You know?
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January 21st, 2017 at 8:15 am
Okay, I’m only halfway through my first cup of coffee, so this I probably shouldn’t be attempting to human yet. BUT I just skipped over and read a few of your posts and as soon as I can get to my laptop I’m going to stalk your blog bc there are many things I just HAVE to know. So, yes, I know. (Told you this wouldn’t make sense.)
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January 21st, 2017 at 8:51 am
Sweet- glad you peeped.
You get all the credit (and only half the blame) for bringing some of the weird out in me today. Friggin love ur words.
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March 29th, 2017 at 2:20 am
its 3:20am & i just woke adam up laughing oit loud. i love you
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April 14th, 2017 at 4:01 pm
HA! I bet he does too, lol!!!
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