I have three boys—two children, one husband—and I can say with some authority that there is no other creature who can be at once so adorable and so utterly disgusting.
I’m not saying that girls can’t be super gross. I have one of those too and she peed in my bed last night and once blew her nose into her own hair. So girls have their moments, but for the most part I don’t think they come equipped for maximum bathroom carnage.
I rarely use the boys’ bathroom because I don’t like sitting in other people’s urine. Or my own, for that matter. Also, even if I was in a desert with no food or water, I would never drink my own pee.
I’m getting a little off track.
Anyway. Men supposedly lift the toilet seat up and leave it up and that is a big problem in other households. In THIS household the only problem is a huge lack of aim and probably laziness. Otherwise, why wouldn’t they just lift the fucking seat and point the urinator at the toilet bowl? I just made up a word. But seriously, who just pees everywhere, willy-nilly, and doesn’t even care? Boys, that’s who.
Our house has two bathrooms. Two of my boys currently have some sort of facial hair. At no time is either bathroom free of small, wiry hairs decorating the back of the sink, the cabinets, the walls, the floor, and even the mirror. Neither of my boys can shave or even trim an area the size of half a head without the sink looking like they tried to shove Chewbacca down the drain.
As bad as I hate to, let’s talk about shower etiquette. Now, there are some things boys may or may not do in the shower that I don’t want to know about AT ALL, let alone talk about.
But there are some things going on in there that can be heard from two rooms away with the water running full blast, and I ain’t talking about singing.
I shudder to even speak of this, but here we go. Blowing of the nose IN THE SHOWER FOR FUCK’S SAKE! WHO DOES THAT? BOYS! BOYS DO THAT!
The sound alone is enough to send me gagging, but what really grosses me out is the left-behind-evidence of this shower boogerfest. It is so awesome when I am taking a relaxing bath and someone else’s snotwad floats by.
*Sigh*
But. Even though they are often filthy, sweaty, hairy, and stinky, they are my boys and I couldn’t live without them, no matter what that rotten odor is coming from their bedrooms or their butts.
March 13th, 2015 at 8:51 am
Oh man. I thought my post was gross and then a snotwad floated by. Also I laughed when this made me think of Chewbacca getting waterboarded.
BOYS
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March 13th, 2015 at 8:53 am
Your post was way grosser. Dicks coming through the walls? POLE MILK?
But I’m glad we’re on the same page. The inappropriate one.
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March 13th, 2015 at 8:58 am
I just had the discussion this morning with my 15 yo son that I have frequently. It goes a little something like this: “Why can’t you lift the plastic toilet seat to pee? Why must you pee ON it?” Followed by crickets. And more peeing on the toilet seat. I need a hazmat suit. Three boys here too; 2 kids, 1 husband! lol
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March 13th, 2015 at 9:01 am
Right?! WHY? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY?
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March 13th, 2015 at 10:04 am
Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Just this morning I resolved to write a post about the male grossness that happens repeatedly around here…FINGERNAILS AND TOENAILS. Absolutely disgusting.
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March 13th, 2015 at 10:05 am
OH I KNOW! Whether they are still attached to the children or left on the floor. Yuck either way.
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March 13th, 2015 at 10:37 am
Um, I blow my nose in the shower… But I blow into my hands with an imaginary kleenex and then I rinse the snot off under the water. I find the hot water and steam quite effective for loosening up the mucus in my head and lungs.
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March 13th, 2015 at 10:47 am
I totally do this too. I have chronic sinus issues and it’s amazing how much a good shower nose blow can brighten my day.
But a proper lady always makes sure her snotwads make it safely down the drain.
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March 13th, 2015 at 10:48 am
Absolutely! As do the lung cookies I hawk up. 🙂
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March 13th, 2015 at 2:22 pm
I am right there with you ladies. Always clean up the snotwads.
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March 13th, 2015 at 2:55 pm
Always.
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March 13th, 2015 at 2:52 pm
LUNG COOKIES! Noooooo……
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March 13th, 2015 at 2:52 pm
A proper lady! Lol. I wish my boys would behave like proper ladies, at least in regards to snotwads.
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March 13th, 2015 at 2:51 pm
I’ve heard this theory before. I commend you for rinsing your boogers away.
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March 13th, 2015 at 9:00 pm
I am all about the efficiency. If I could find a sanitary way to crap in the shower I’d do it. It would save toilet paper AND I’d be able to scrub my junk clean immediately.
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March 14th, 2015 at 5:02 am
OH MY GOD I’M DYING OVER HERE! LMAO!
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March 13th, 2015 at 1:24 pm
omg. i. always like “WTF HAPPENED? ??”
and he apparently is allergic to showering now. oie vey..funny blog 😂😂😂
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March 13th, 2015 at 2:54 pm
Yes, it is like a bomb of gross went off in the bathroom every time they use it. I always threaten to make them start going outside.
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March 13th, 2015 at 1:37 pm
Yeah..they’re disgusting. My son’s bedroom smells like a gerbil cage.
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March 13th, 2015 at 2:55 pm
Blech! Why must they stink? And get a roomful of them, like for a sleepover? OMG, open a fucking window. Or ALL the fucking windows.
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March 13th, 2015 at 5:12 pm
Ha ha ha! Awesome post. In my case my daughter is content to turn any room she is into a pig sty! My son is pretty neat actually. However getting both to brush their teeth…sheesh…
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March 14th, 2015 at 5:00 am
Thanks. Mine *say* they brushed but then I’m like, “show me” and they go brush again, lol.
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March 13th, 2015 at 11:12 pm
My husband does the blowing of snot in shower as well. It’s enough to make me gag. I don’t even take baths anymore for rear of your situation.
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March 14th, 2015 at 5:04 am
UGH! And if they would just clean up after themselves in this ONE situation, we wouldn’t have to worry about swimming in boogers.
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March 13th, 2015 at 11:13 pm
*fear lol
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March 14th, 2015 at 1:30 am
*Retching*
Thanks for such vivid imagery!
*Retching some more*
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March 14th, 2015 at 5:05 am
Bahahaha, anytime dear.
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March 14th, 2015 at 5:25 am
I hate going into the twins’ room. They are gross, too. Ugh.
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March 17th, 2015 at 7:36 pm
Oooh, two of them at the same age. I bet their room is especially…perfumed.
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March 20th, 2015 at 2:52 pm
That’s putting it delicately.
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March 14th, 2015 at 9:07 am
That Chewbacca line had me laughing. I guess I’m glad I got a girl? Although she is pretty disgusting. The toilet seat is also wet after she uses it and I don’t know how she manages this. Cartwheels? And the snot distribution is amazing, like she wants to share it with the whole world.
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March 17th, 2015 at 7:37 pm
Cartwheels!
Probably.
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March 14th, 2015 at 11:38 pm
I had two younger brothers and we shared a bathroom – which, for some unfathomable reason, my parents had carpeted with black shag carpet – even around the toilet. You can just imagine, I’m sure.
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March 17th, 2015 at 7:39 pm
You poor thing! BLACK SHAG CARPET IN THE BATHROOM?! Lmao.
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March 16th, 2015 at 2:17 pm
I feel so disheartened after reading this. My daughter is utterly revolting. I can’t bear the thought that my little bitty boy will grow up to outshine her.
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March 17th, 2015 at 7:34 pm
Hahahaha! I’m so sorry to burst your bubble. But yes, soon he will be peeing all over your house with utter abandon and probably eating his own boogers. Not that your daughter can’t do those things too!
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March 20th, 2015 at 10:13 am
You pretty much covered the gross factor in my house too. You are soooo not alone, sister!
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March 31st, 2015 at 12:38 pm
I’m glad I’m not alone, but sorry you have boogers in your bathwater too.
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March 31st, 2015 at 11:16 am
I think we have the same kids. I’m with you on how gross those wiry hairs lining the sink or the wall of the shower are. And maybe I can deal with those more than the comparable hairs found on the toilet seat. Ewww. Hence why I have given them verbal lessons on the importance of man-scaping everywhere. I have 3 boys and having that additional bathroom is key to keeping my hygienic sanity.
And just want to say that I’m so glad I stumbled upon your blog. It’s hilarious and honest and I love it. I just started blogging a year ago and it’s blogs like yours that keep me going and smiling and nodding in agreement.
I even named your blog as one of my faves on one of my posts. You don’t need to partake but the reason I enjoy it is due to the questions I ask other bloggers to get to know them. Just in case you relish in answering silly questions. Happy Blogging.
http://theprettyplatform.com/2015/03/29/sisterhood-of-the-world-bloggers/
Elke
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March 31st, 2015 at 12:40 pm
Hey, thank you! I’m glad you did too. I guess I’ve been blogging for about a year and 7 months, and I agree, other blogs are great for motivation and inspiration and tons of laughs. 🙂
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April 7th, 2015 at 3:38 pm
Hahaha! One morning I woke up, looked into my bathroom and then came out to the living room to announce to my husband and 4 year old: One of you peed on the floor in there and I’m not cleaning it up. Then I used the guest bathroom that had slightly less pee in it. Classic!
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April 7th, 2015 at 5:54 pm
UGH! Stepping in pee is almost as bad as sitting in it!
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