Monthly Archives: February 2015

I’m not prepared to make these kinds of sacrifices.

I turned 35 a few months ago, and since then, strange and unsettling things have been happening.

Let me start at the beginning.

I started this new medication and it didn’t do what it was supposed to do, but it did inflate my ass by about 20 pounds.

Obviously I stopped taking it. Now, one would think that at that point, those 20 pounds would melt away, slip off the way they slipped on, get the fuck outta here.

No. *shakes head sadly* No, friends, I have learned that THAT IS JUST NOT HOW IT WORKS.

I have sat on my pajama-clad ass eating cheese quesadillas for months now and that weight just isn’t going anywhere. It’s baffling, really.

Five days ago I smoked my last cigarette. In the past five days I have consumed roughly 1,000 peppermints.

Obviously I did not major in fucking geology, because clearly I don’t know how calories work.

I have gained three. more. pounds. And that is not the worst part. Oh no.

My chin is…having a baby. It’s a chin baby. I have a baby chin growing under my other chin and it’s…it’s distressing.

I don’t think I’m ready for this jelly.

All my life people have said, “You’re too skinny! Have some pie!” And all my life I’ve said, “I LOVE PIE!” and now this goddamned aging is RUINING EVERYTHING.

I’ve been thinking about my options. I don’t like any of them. It seems like a real dick move that on top of trying to quit smoking I have to worry about this chin thing! Wtf, life? I mean, really. WTF.

Obviously I have to slow down my consumption of peppermints. Like maybe only eat one when I want a cigarette 25 a day instead of just constantly having one in my mouth from 10 am to 10 pm. I can work with that.

I could start walking, except I have anxiety about bears and dogs and snakes.

I could start doing yoga again as long as I lock up my judgmental fucking cat first. (She is looking at me right now with one eyebrow raised, like “I’m the reason you don’t exercise?” I told you, she’s judgmental.

Bitch, please.

Bitch, please.

I just googled “Chin exercises” but I’m not even really sure why since I can’t even be counted on to do a Kegel.

Mostly they said make stupid faces while looking at the sky or just get over it and get a haircut.

I have an appointment this weekend. I wonder if bangs help?

What was your favorite age? Least favorite? Do you have a chin baby? We should get them together for a playdate.

 


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