The beginning of the school year was filled with sales. Girl Scout sales, PTA sales, band sales; everybody was selling something and basically driving me crazy.
So. Fast forward to last week when I started getting these notes home saying that the cookie dough order would be in on Thursday and HAD to be picked up on THURSDAY between the hours of 3:30 and 6:30.
I threw every one of them away. We, I was sure, had sold no cookie dough. These increasingly threatening letters were not meant for me, and I trashed EVERY ONE OF THEM.
Fast forward again to Thursday night. Imagine my surprise when the school calls me at 6 pm to ask if I am going to pick up my cookie dough order. Or rather, to TELL me to get my ass down there and pick it up. I tried telling them that we didn’t sell cookie dough. They replied with yes, you did, you sold it to yourself and so-and-so and so-and-so. I couldn’t argue with that kind of logic.
I sent my husband to pick up the “cookie dough” explaining to him that they were calling it the wrong thing. WE had never sold cookie dough, so this must be that other stuff we sold and they were IDIOTS and were calling it cookie dough which is why I THREW AWAY ALL THE LETTERS.
So he brings home this giant box of stuff we allegedly sold and I ignore it. Because I was sure it was full of nuts and magazines and whatever else we had sold but CERTAINLY NOT COOKIE DOUGH.
This morning the box is still sitting in my chair so out of curiosity I opened it.
Guess what was in it. Guess.
FUCKING COOKIE DOUGH. We DID sell cookie dough. I even BOUGHT cookie dough. Then I argued with the school about it and left it sitting out overnight in my warm house instead of the fridge because I was SO CERTAIN that we didn’t sell cookie dough.
I have obviously lost my mind. I blame the school and their “cookie dough.”
We Don't Chew Glass 
November 21st, 2014 at 8:06 am
Our schools are big on -athons. Jogathon, Mathathon, Fuckoffathon. Any time my kids bring home something with -athon on it, I know it’s going to cost me a hundred bucks, because I never send my kids around the neighborhood pestering the neighbors to donate. We just suck it up and write a check. I hate fall.
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November 21st, 2014 at 8:16 am
I know, right? I have spent at least $300 on fundraisers this year because I feel guilty asking other people to sell, but I also feel guilty because the kid didn’t sell enough to get ____ prize or attend a magic show. It’s bullshit.
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November 15th, 2016 at 7:20 pm
Dying at the fuckoffathon!!!! Of course, this is coming from a mom who mutters “fuckin PTG bitches” with every chirpy amphetamine fueled flier for the fundraiser of the week and boxtops and clip thing and volunteer and parent assembly and concert and ENOUGH!!! I send in $5 per fundraiser and give my kid $5 to buy whatever. Namastaythehellawayfromme
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November 15th, 2016 at 7:39 pm
Namastaythehellawayfromme!!! Lmao.
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November 21st, 2014 at 8:26 am
Stupid schools and their stupid fundraisers.
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November 21st, 2014 at 8:34 am
Right? Stupid cookie dough.
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November 21st, 2014 at 9:56 am
Yeah!!
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November 21st, 2014 at 8:29 am
Momus is heading off this morning to pick up all the “pies” he bought for Thanksgiving (to support HS Drama). So now he’s going to have like 6 Thanksgiving pies in the fridge all week. 1) We don’t have that kind of fridge space and 2) How bad are these things going to be by next Thursday?
In other words, with you 100%
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November 21st, 2014 at 8:35 am
Pies everywhere! You’ll just have to eat them this week.
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November 21st, 2014 at 8:37 am
Except some of them are ones his dad and sister ordered. And they live two hours away and we won’t see them until The Big Day. *sigh* What was wrong with wrapping paper again? I could handle the wrapping paper fundraisers.
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November 21st, 2014 at 8:36 am
I spent quality time yesterday wandering around the parking garage at work because I could not for the life of me remember where I’d left that goddamn rental car. Turns out it was almost immediately adjacent to my coworker’s car. The coworker I stood and shot the shit with for a few minutes, in the parking garage.
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December 6th, 2014 at 4:13 pm
I hate it when I do that.
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November 21st, 2014 at 9:18 am
I hate school fund raisers with the heat of a 1000 suns.
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December 6th, 2014 at 4:14 pm
Ha! Glad I didn’t ask you to buy some cookie dough then. Hope you are feeling much better!
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November 21st, 2014 at 9:19 am
What is “cookie dough” code for here, Stephanie? If it’s code for bags of marijuana I’ll be right over. I KID! Sort of.
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December 6th, 2014 at 4:15 pm
It’s code for whatever will get you over here. What do you need Sarah and I will get it! You need a toe? I’ll get you a toe.
I hope you’ve seen the Big Lebowski or I just made myself sound like a serial killer.
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November 21st, 2014 at 9:38 am
There were very few compensations when our youngest graduated from high school and went away to college, but NO MORE FUNDRAISERS helped a lot. We participated in the cookie dough, wrapping paper, pizza, and magazine sales at the bare minimum, and I never felt bad about it because I gave the school so much of my volunteer time. I think it should be an either/or proposition.
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December 6th, 2014 at 4:15 pm
I’m going to try to remember that when I’m having my “my kids are all leaving me” nervous breakdown.
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November 21st, 2014 at 10:48 am
I’m a Grinch. My kids aren’t allowed to do fundraisers. Between the time my daughter collected over 100 dollars worth of purchases and FORGOT TO FUCKING GIVE THEM TO THE OFFICE and had to do the walk of shame around the neighborhood, apologizing and returning the money, and just the sheer hassle of dealing with them.
I also get a little bit preachy on the subject of fundraisers. If the purpose of fundraisers is to raise money for the school, why do they contract through companies who give the school 10% of the proceeds and keep the other 90%? I’d rather the school just said “Hey, can we have 10 bucks for each of your kids?” lol
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December 6th, 2014 at 4:16 pm
NO KIDDING! And all the stuff is so expensive and you know nobody has the money to spend on CRAP. Ugh.
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November 21st, 2014 at 11:04 am
I can’t stand fundraisers. Can’t stand! Especially perishable items. I mean, this is just stupid. The kids are encouraged (ie, bribed by all the cheap ass prizes) to sell as many items as possible. Then the parents have to pick it all up. Then find room in their fridge/freezer. Then hopefully all the buyers will be around when you have to deliver all the shit the kids sold. There’s always a few people who never seem to be home too so then you have to store the junk even longer. I jump at the busy parent option, but then feel guilty (for only a second or two) when my kids realize they won’t be getting the glow stick prize.
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December 6th, 2014 at 4:17 pm
My daughter didn’t sell enough this time to get to go to the Magic Show. I was so pissed. I hate the way they do that to the kids, who are 5 and 6 years old, give me a break.
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November 21st, 2014 at 1:24 pm
I am a terrible parent. I basically told the Girl that I would never, ever buy anything or pressure our friends to buy anything from her school. No one needs a metric ton of stale popcorn, shitty wrapping paper, or gods above and below, gallon tubs of cookie dough.
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December 6th, 2014 at 4:18 pm
It’s okay, I’m a terrible parent too. 🙂
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November 21st, 2014 at 2:47 pm
I stopped buying anything from school fundraisers years ago. If anything, I’ll buy items for ourselves (like wrapping paper) but that’s as far as it goes. Life is so much easier being fundraiser-free.
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December 6th, 2014 at 4:19 pm
Good for you! I did get a magazine subscription out of the deal, but I don’t think I saved any money. And of course as someone up there said, glow stick prizes for the kids.
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November 21st, 2014 at 3:56 pm
Our school’s obsessed with dressing up for charity. I swear, I think the PTA has a collective fetish. And always with about 22-hours warning. (Literally. Last time they sent a mass text saying it was the next day – cue a mass exodus from the school gates at home time to the clothes shop over the road with frantic parents working out the next costume that’s on target but also warm/practical enough). We then pay £1 to the school for the pleasure, but about £20 on getting something appropriate to wear.
I think I’d rather have cookie dough. At least you can eat cookie dough. You can’t eat a superhero costume.
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December 6th, 2014 at 4:20 pm
I’m so bad about that. It’s always the morning of and I’m like, “where is that fucking cowboy hat?”
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November 21st, 2014 at 4:57 pm
I already hate the fact that I have to spend a ton on school supplies, now add fundraisers too…sheesh.
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December 6th, 2014 at 4:21 pm
I know! I’m going to go eat a pound of cookie dough.
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November 22nd, 2014 at 11:32 am
Oh I am so not looking forward to selling all the things.
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December 6th, 2014 at 4:22 pm
You poor thing. It hasn’t even begun yet, has it?
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December 6th, 2014 at 7:28 pm
Nope, not for a few years. At least I have this time to prepare myself.
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November 24th, 2014 at 2:53 pm
one of the MAIN advantages of homeschooling – I don’t get asked to buy shit and I don’t have to sell shit
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December 6th, 2014 at 4:22 pm
That right there is almost enough for me to homeschool again.
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March 17th, 2015 at 7:36 pm
I’m weeping genuine tears here. The thought of ruined cookie dough is catastrophic! I loooove cookie dough! Funny story though!
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March 17th, 2015 at 7:40 pm
Yeah, I really screwed that one up. I COULD NOT believe it when I opened that damned box.
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March 18th, 2015 at 7:34 am
Oh, GIRL! Did you hear my latest song? The “What Am I Doing Here?” one? I’ve got a verse on school fund raisers. I was a little worried people would react negatively to my proclamation that “bake sales and fund raisers really, really blow”, but alas, no. I’m raising a fist in happy solidarity with you Steph. I hate all the shit they try to make us sell. Just give my kid an education for Chrissakes. I’m not here to Donald Trump it.
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May 26th, 2015 at 9:30 pm
Seriously, HOW THE FUCK have I been missing your comments??? Not on purpose, I SWEAR. I don’t remember if I heard it, but I will *try* to remember to look for it tomorrow. Get this, I bitched about the fundraisers all year, and my kid barely sold anything, then at the end of the year at Fun and Field Day they had like 3 huge bounce houses from the fundraiser people and they made damned sure everyone knew it. I kind of felt like an ass. But I feel that way a lot, so no biggie.
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