This week has been really painful. I mean literally painful.
It all started when I was washing the dishes the other night. I was being very industrious and getting a lot of crap washed, instead of just throwing all the dishes away like I wanted to. So, yes, I was proud.
That may have been what did it. I was too prideful in all my homemaking glory. My head was simply to full of warm fuzzy self-love that I never even saw the knife coming. Seriously, I never saw it until it had already stabbed me.
That’s right folks. A dirty, nasty, MEAN knife jumped out of my sink and into my foot.
I’ve never been so glad to own 18-year-old cutlery.
I know. It’s hard to believe I can still walk.
Even though I had just been viciously assaulted, I carried on. I kept on keeping on. I did my dishes anyway. I showed that knife what was up.
The very next day I sat down to pay some bills. This is a dreaded chore and it took great fortitude and courage to even attempt it.
Once again, my pride blinded me to the dangers I could be facing. I didn’t expect to be attacked ON THE FACE by an envelope, but it happened. Do I blame all envelopes? No. Every envelope is different. This one was an asshole, but that doesn’t mean I have to forsake all envelopes for all time.
So in two days time I suffered a poked foot and a paper cut lip, all in the name of housekeeping. I feel like these events were portentous, and far be it for me to ignore the symbolism. I will no longer be participating in such ill-advised activities. I will take into consideration all the hazards inherent in clothes washing, bathroom cleaning, vacuuming, and, heaven forbid, floor mopping. These things are clearly too fraught with danger for me to attempt.
I am no daredevil to be putting my safety in jeopardy like that.
We Don't Chew Glass 
September 30th, 2014 at 8:13 am
Oh, dear – the dangers involved with chores! Thank you for the warning. I’ll be on my guard. Or I’ll join you and simply stop doing them.
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September 30th, 2014 at 8:32 am
Right? We just can’t risk it.
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September 30th, 2014 at 8:22 am
I often injure myself in similar ways. The other day the car door attacked me in the back of the leg and left a big bruise the size of two silver dollars. And that’s the standard of comparison I’m making because I’m 70.
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September 30th, 2014 at 8:33 am
HA! So I should avoid cars too, I guess. Dammit.
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September 30th, 2014 at 8:23 am
Wise woman. Stay away from that crap.
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September 30th, 2014 at 8:34 am
I take my personal safety very seriously.
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September 30th, 2014 at 8:32 am
I think you are brave and you’ve gone through so much with the foot and the paper cut!
It’s time we put an end to the evil that is housework. We should become nomadic again and just travel from place to place. And never pay bills.
Someone else will have to work out the details, though. I’m a big picture person….
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September 30th, 2014 at 8:38 am
Lol! I’m totally with you on this. We shall be hunters and gatherers and travel the world with the seasons. I’ll be a gatherer because obviously I can’t be trusted with weapons.
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September 30th, 2014 at 9:00 am
Haha I fully plan to use this as an excuse every time Jack asks me why the house is dirty.
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September 30th, 2014 at 9:04 am
“Because it is just too dangerous to clean!”
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September 30th, 2014 at 9:04 am
Well, a knife DID jump out of my sink at me, too! But instead of impaling me, it just dented my brand new, $70 trashcan.
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September 30th, 2014 at 9:32 am
Are you still planning to cook? You are my hero!
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September 30th, 2014 at 10:36 am
No, definitely not. No way. And thank you! 🙂
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September 30th, 2014 at 10:10 am
Clearly it’s time for the kids to step up to the plate and help out. I mean, woulds like take time to heal. Mentally and physically.
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September 30th, 2014 at 10:37 am
You are SO right! I need to recover. Kids are more resilient.
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September 30th, 2014 at 10:50 am
Yes they are!!! Time to get out that whip and start cracking it.
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September 30th, 2014 at 10:50 am
Lol! These will be my excuses from now on.
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September 30th, 2014 at 11:36 am
Anything I can do to help! 🙂
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September 30th, 2014 at 12:21 pm
I broke my toe whilst loading the washing machine. Housework is out to get us and I think for our personal safety we must desist from further participation.
Bad things happens in threes as well, so I would especially take great care to delicate all household chore-ing until someone else has suffered a freak accident by inanimate household object.
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September 30th, 2014 at 12:24 pm
Oh shit, good point! Well, I did burn my finger on my hair also, so maybe I’m good.
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September 30th, 2014 at 12:33 pm
I meant to say ‘delegate’ not ‘delicate’. My phone is an auto-correct muppet.
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September 30th, 2014 at 2:00 pm
Sounds like you need a duvet day until all danger is past! 🙂
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October 1st, 2014 at 12:42 pm
Done. I think I need more than one though.
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October 1st, 2014 at 12:43 pm
😀
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September 30th, 2014 at 4:02 pm
I”d be taking myself off to bed and staying there for a long long time !!!
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October 1st, 2014 at 12:42 pm
Sounds perfect to me!
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September 30th, 2014 at 4:53 pm
Argh, now I need to add fear of flying utensils impaling an appendage to my list of anxiety-inducers!! Thank God the envelope didn’t fly up and cut your eye…I have SUCH a thing about potential eye injuries. You should cease and desist post haste!
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October 1st, 2014 at 12:44 pm
Eyes! Yes, so glad neither of them got my eyes. I’m officially quit, done, not going to do it. (We’ll see how long that lasts.)
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October 1st, 2014 at 1:34 pm
I don’t blame you. Horrors like these are what make me feel like housework is just too perilous and we’re better off living in filth and squalor. Seriously, it’s all these sanitizers and anti-bacterial things that are responsible for the dangerous strains of things that are developing that are impervious to antibiotics. You’re doing your part to improve our society’s health. I salute you!
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October 4th, 2014 at 7:19 am
If it weren’t for me, I just don’t know where this world would be. I will lead us into a new age of disgusting messiness, one overflowing garbage bag at a time.
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October 1st, 2014 at 1:57 pm
Quite honestly, you are a warrior. I think you should take some pain killers, and as you know, most advice not to operate heavy machinery. Vacuums are heavy. Doctor’s orders…
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October 4th, 2014 at 7:21 am
A warrior. I like the sound of that. I also like this plan.
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October 1st, 2014 at 2:05 pm
I’m with you. I love my old, dull knives and their lack of cutting-ability. I could be dead by now, just for trying to keep our kitchen clean! And that paper cut for trying to deposit money this morning? No. Just– It’s too risky. I love my family too much. I can’t risk my health, so, I’m out.
I’m going to tiptoe to the couch and read a nice, safe book. Effective immediately.
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October 4th, 2014 at 7:22 am
Good call Stef, good call. I hope your family realizes how much you are doing for them by doing nothing at all.
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October 1st, 2014 at 7:21 pm
Once, I managed to paper cut my eyebrow with mail. That takes some skillz.
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October 4th, 2014 at 7:23 am
Your eYEBROW? I’m trying to picture how this could happen and basically it sounds like you and I have a lot in common. Be careful out there.
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October 8th, 2014 at 7:42 pm
It was this massive document envelope I was moving around trying to get the contents out and somehow cut my eyebrow. Doh!
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October 4th, 2014 at 3:11 pm
You’ve already done so much. Really. Put those feet up. Before you lose them in some freak sewing accident.
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October 5th, 2014 at 1:00 pm
HAHAHA! You are so right. I’m on it.
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