I’ve always had weird experiences with animals, probably because when I was a child I caused the inadvertent death of 5 baby mice.
We found them in a nest in one of my mom’s sweaters. I took great pains to place them gently into a matchbox filled with Easter grass. I spoke to them softly and I made them as comfortable as I could. Then I walked outside and very respectfully buried them alive.
What the ever loving fuck? I know. I don’t get it either. It wasn’t until much later that my mother casually pointed out that I was a killer. The entire time I thought of myself as this noble, kind little girl, giving the poor, motherless mice a dignified funeral. It would’ve been perfect, had the little fuckers been dead first.
I’ve never actually thought about the source of the enmity between me and the natural world. But now that I look back, it’s clear that I brought this upon myself.
Shit. I just remembered that I may have caused the drowning death of two hamsters. Fuck. No wonder my adult life has been plagued with snakes and goats.
Moving on.
I don’t think I accidentally injured, maimed, or outright killed any other pets until I was an adult.
Hold on, I need to go make sure my pets/children have food. And water. And air. Jesus.
You know, I started writing this to hopefully amuse some of you. Little did I know that I was going to delve into my past and learn that statistically I should probably be a serial killer. Let’s all take a moment to be thankful that I’ve always lacked ambition.
Okay, so there was the Year of the Goat. I’m not sure if this kind of goat-mayhem goes on in everyone’s life and they just don’t talk about it…or maybe it’s just me. Then there was the snake infestation which, by the way, is still ongoing. In light of my earlier revelations concerning my predilection for accidental murder, I think it’s safe to say that these snakes have been sent to destroy me.
Fuck.
I killed a bird too.
But really, it was the bird’s fault. I didn’t have my windows down on purpose so the little feathered fuck could fly in and smack against the back glass. I also had no idea what was happening as I drove down the road and suddenly my entire car was full of feathers. I don’t think this one is on me. The fact that I stopped at Sonic and gently removed the bird from my car with a pair of drumsticks ought to clear my name, I think. Maybe that bird woke up later and ordered some fries. Or maybe it was already dead and the people at Sonic still talk about the girl driving around with musical instruments and dead animals. Who knows.
Do you know anyone this lacking in common sense? Am I the only one Mother Nature has put a hit out on?
September 3rd, 2014 at 7:10 am
A bird fell dead as I read your post. And somewhere a cat drowned. I could feel it.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 7:11 am
BAHAHAHAHA! That’s hilarious. And sad. But mostly hilarious.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 7:13 am
Sorry for the triple reply. But apparently more animals died and then I yelled at myself.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 7:12 am
A bird fell from the sky as I read your post. And somewhere a cat drowned. I could FEEL it.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 7:12 am
WTF JEFF!!
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September 3rd, 2014 at 7:14 am
Still hilarious the second time.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 7:17 am
Perhaps you are just the Grim Reaper of the natural world. Serving a necessary function in the cycle of life. Go with that.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 7:17 am
Lol. Right? It’s not my fault. It’s the circle of life.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 7:40 am
Oh my god this is hilarious in such a sad way.
I have good luck with animals, amazingly (I once had 18 cats and 2 dogs.. at the same time). But I’m clumsy as all hell.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 7:42 am
I am an accident waiting to happen, I tell you. 18 CATS? Omg, I can barely handle my two.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 7:43 am
Yeah, my cousin found kittens in her backyard and I wanted 2. She had 3 left so she made me take the 3rd until I could find it a home, which never happened. Then my ex asked me to take our old cat (that he won in the custody battle) back, so I had 4. There was ONE boy, and he just kept reproducing with his sisters and daughters until there were 18. Totally my fault, but I loved them all.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 7:45 am
As a small child, I tried to feed a garter snake part of my orange push up pop. As a result, all reptiles are now my friend. Except the fucker that was in my car. That one, he must not have gotten the memo.
On the other hand, cockroaches hate my guts and are out to get me. My grandmother was having a neighbor over for coffee one morning when I was leaving for class. I put on my coat, felt something move in the coat with me and stripped frantically to my underwear in the front hall. That little bastard made it into my shirt. 20 years and it still gives me the willies.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 7:49 am
Did the snake like it? Maybe that’s where I’m going wrong. I should feed them instead of running away screaming….yeah, that’s not going to happen. Your cockroach story is very similar to one I have with slugs. I also stripped. Those things don’t belong in our clothes.
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September 4th, 2014 at 8:07 am
You know…the snake probably didn’t. I was five and it stuck it’s tongue out and at the time I didn’t know that’s how they smell things. I probably figured it wanted a lick since orange push up pops are the BEST popsicles evah.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 8:07 am
I accidentally froze to death some hamsters. The back room of the mobile home I lived in with my ex never warmed up. Maybe this is why my puppy keeps taking dumps on my floor.
You crack me up. LOL
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September 3rd, 2014 at 8:08 am
Yes! It’s karma, lol. And thank you!
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September 3rd, 2014 at 8:08 am
I don’t think I’ll ever look at you the same way again…murderer.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 8:10 am
HA! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. All of them. Who knew hermit crabs need air to breathe??
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September 3rd, 2014 at 8:15 am
EVERYONE WHO BREATHS NEEDS AIR, VILE KILLER!
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September 3rd, 2014 at 8:16 am
HAHAHAHAHA. Oops. My bad.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 8:18 am
Indeed. Explain it to the judge!
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September 3rd, 2014 at 8:19 am
Hmm, well, Josh carried a dead palm sized spider up to me right after I got out of the shower the other day. This was scary because he doesn’t kill spiders, he escorts them off the premises, so I naturally assumed the fucking thing was still alive. It was a damn good thing the shower was right there, I need to wash some bits again.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 8:21 am
Oh no! I hate spiders. I’m not even going to go into all the spiders I’ve escorted out of this world.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 8:24 am
I understand why – the ones he doesn’t kill are the ones that eat other bugs, which is awesome. But this fucker was HUGE. And now it’s in a clear coffin in his desk drawer. Boys are so damn weird.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 10:09 am
When I was a child, my father found a baby bird that had fallen out of its nest. We kept it in a box, fed it, and generally helped it to survive. On the day that it was to be released, I took it out on the front porch, and sat with it for a minute, no doubt musing on what a wonderful life it would have when it flew free. I opened the box to release it, and it spread its wings and flew to the neighbor’s yard, where our cat promptly pounced on it and killed it, because I hadn’t made sure that the cat was inside when I let the bird go. If you ever decide to go into the serial killer business and need a partner, I think we might work well together.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 12:28 pm
That was totally the cat’s fault. But I agree, we would make a good team. How do you feel about pigeons?
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September 3rd, 2014 at 12:50 pm
Pigeons are the antichrist, and seagulls are the Charles Manson of the avian world. I’m petrified of both and find them unendurably creepy.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 10:41 am
I have a bunch of stupid pigeons with apparent death wishes that always populate the neighborhood roads just as I’m leaving on my morning commute. If you and qwertygirl up there wanted to, y’know, “take care of them” for me…
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September 3rd, 2014 at 12:30 pm
We’re in discussions in re the pigeon situation.
Just kidding.
I wouldn’t kill something *on purpose.*
I’m just an accidental murderer.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 12:51 pm
Too bad my childhood cat isn’t around anymore. He’d take out those pigeons.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 1:00 pm
I’m amazed I haven’t accidentally murdered any of them yet myself. They have the longest response time of any creature I have ever seen. I have to slow to an absolute crawl around them and even then I wouldn’t put it past them to ignore me and keep hanging out in front of my wheels.
One of these days I just know I’m gonna hear a crunch, and then it’s off to therapy forever.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 12:32 pm
Omg the baby mice. Omg omg omg. And yet I’m still laughing.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 12:59 pm
At the drumsticks bit I was like “Wouldn’t that be too greasy to be effective?” Then I was like “When did Sonic start selling fried chicken?” And then at the musical instruments part I realized there is someone with less common sense than you. You’re welcome 🙂
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September 3rd, 2014 at 2:36 pm
Hahahaha! Thank you!
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September 3rd, 2014 at 2:47 pm
BWA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAA!
Seriously, though, this is just sad. And pitiful. And wrong.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 4:34 pm
There is definitely something wrong with me. But it’s a lack of sense, not compassion, really. *REALLY*
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September 3rd, 2014 at 4:38 pm
Well … I’ll believe you. But thousands wouldn’t.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 5:27 pm
Hmmm..my mother must have pissed nature off because birds shit on her all the time. I mean ALL THE TIME. I bet my mother has been shit on by birds more than 50 times. It’s pretty funny, actually
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September 4th, 2014 at 5:40 am
That’s crazy! And also hilarious. Your poor momma.
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September 3rd, 2014 at 8:55 pm
I think this is the funniest thing you’ve ever written. I have to share it. But I’ll wait until tomorrow, when everyone is awake and bored at work.
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September 4th, 2014 at 5:41 am
Really? Lol. I have no concept of my own work. I hate everything I write. So thank you, you sweetheart!
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September 4th, 2014 at 12:48 am
I once won a goldfish at the fair, named him Drop Dead Fred, and then murdered him. It wasn’t my fault no one told me you can’t just dump a fish in some water fresh from the kitchen sink. Drop Dead Fred 2 didn’t fare much better. And then there was The Sea Monkey Incident where I accidently slaughtered my entire little sea monkey community when I decided to feed them a weeks worth of food all at once before we left on vacation, only to come home and discover that this was an epically terrible idea. And there was that time I accidentally ran over a family of opossums. I have had bats and chickens try to eat my face off, and i am fairly sure this is in retalliation for these incidents. Of course, I also have the added curse of space shuttles exploding on or around my birthday (Challenger on my 9th birthday and the Columbia or whatever it was called on the day of my birthday party. My brother thinks he should contact NASA and inform them of this connection.) And old men tend to drop dead within a week of my birthday. So there’s that.
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September 4th, 2014 at 5:44 am
Oh my God, I think you may be even worse luck than I am! I haven’t had coffee yet. That made sense in my brain. Anyway, I’m not sure about the explosions and the people deaths, but the birds and bats are DEFINITELY retaliation. Definitely.
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September 4th, 2014 at 6:36 am
I have murdered several slugs by inadvertently stepping on them in bare feet. Not good for anyone involved, but I think worst for me as they were no longer slugs (it can’t be nice) and I still have the memories of the meeting of my feet with squashed slug which still makes me retch.
In return, in damp weather, it’s been known for the slug version of a zombie apocalypse to descend on our house. I’m sure it’s revenge.
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September 4th, 2014 at 7:44 am
Oh God, we have that too! They live under our deck and I wrote a blog post about the horror, but I don’t remember what I called it. Slugs are just SO GROSS!
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September 4th, 2014 at 3:40 pm
They’re living bogies! So wrong on so many levels!
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September 4th, 2014 at 12:11 pm
You. Are. The. ONLY ONE. 😀
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September 4th, 2014 at 1:21 pm
That is what I was afraid of.
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September 6th, 2014 at 5:47 am
LOVE IT
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September 6th, 2014 at 10:45 am
Thanks Laurie!
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September 7th, 2014 at 10:05 pm
Haha. Love these stories and the serial killer line was, well, killer! I tried the magnifying glass thing on ants when I was a kid and also salt on a slug. I hope I left this murdering God complex behind when I reached puberty but who can tell when I laugh at stories that involve the inadvertent death of helpless animals. Remember Fish Called Wanda? Love that movie.
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September 8th, 2014 at 6:19 am
Lol. Glad you liked it. I’ve been getting a few comments calling me inhumane! I’m not inhumane, just dumb! Thanks Liz.
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September 8th, 2014 at 7:41 am
Hold up now…I’m still stuck at the part where there was a “nest in your mom’s sweater.” Did you literally grow up in a barn?!
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September 8th, 2014 at 7:54 am
You would think so, wouldn’t you? Lol.
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September 10th, 2014 at 8:12 am
When I was around 8, my dog was sniffing at the wood scrap box in the garage. I pulled a few pieces of wood out for him, and that set him into a homicidal frenzy. I ended up causing the horrible mauling deaths of a bunch of baby rats. And turning my sweet dog into a cannibal. Okay, I guess he wasn’t a cannibal. But I turned him into a rat killer.
But last year I did clean a decomposing carcass out from under my mom’s house so I figure I’m good.
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September 15th, 2014 at 5:19 pm
Definitely. You and nature are even. Just be careful, lol.
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December 8th, 2014 at 6:47 am
Well, I set fire to ants for fun when I was younger. I simply couldn’t understand the fact that I was burning them alive.
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