They are nuts, but they’re my nuts.
Me: *referring to Thing 2* He’s like an accident waiting to happen.
Thing 1: Him? No, he’s an accident that already happened.
Thing 3: So can I live with you forever, even when I’m a grownup?
Me: Erm, yeah, I guess so.
Thing 3: Good. And even when I have kids?
Me: Sure.
Thing 3: Okay. And can I make my babies here?
Me:…
Thing 3: Why did you close your eyes?
Husband: Sorry for being a pain in the ass.
Me: It’s okay.
Him: You always say okay. You never say, “You’re not a pain.”
Me: Yeah. Cause it’s okay.
Thing 2, having a nosebleed: I don’t think it’s healthy for this much blood to be coming out of my face.
Me: I don’t think it’s healthy for any blood to be coming out of your face.
And here are some things I found written in my notebook, in my handwriting. Weird.
1. FFS, HCB, YRAFI
2. This shit is reasonable.
3. I know that this feeling of dread that is SMOTHERING me is completely unreasonable.
4. I appreciate that, sociopath.
5. Do you mean hard to love?
6. You don’t want sperm on your laptop.
What’s the silliest thing you’ve heard lately? Is your family as crazy as mine? Do you write yourself notes and then not remember what you were talking about?
We Don't Chew Glass 
August 5th, 2014 at 3:01 pm
Well..it’s TRUE..you DON’T want sperm on your laptop
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August 5th, 2014 at 3:01 pm
Right? But where the FUCK did that come from?
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August 5th, 2014 at 3:01 pm
And better question, why did I write it down???
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August 5th, 2014 at 11:04 pm
Because you’re smart enough to know a gal can’t remember everything.
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August 6th, 2014 at 7:12 am
Or anything, in my case.
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August 5th, 2014 at 3:14 pm
FFS means for fucks sake. LOL
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August 5th, 2014 at 3:16 pm
Yes! and the other one means You’re a fucking idiot, I think. But what is the middle one???
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August 5th, 2014 at 3:17 pm
Hell cat bitch?
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August 5th, 2014 at 3:47 pm
That’s as likely as anything, I guess.
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August 5th, 2014 at 3:48 pm
It’s the best I could come up with.
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August 5th, 2014 at 3:49 pm
I can’t come up with anything, and I WROTE IT!
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August 5th, 2014 at 3:51 pm
Don’t feel bad, I have a piece of paper that says “feeling small.” I never feel small!
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August 5th, 2014 at 4:01 pm
HCB may refer to:
Hexachlorobenzene, a fungicide formerly used as a seed treatment
Henri Cartier-Bresson, a French photographer considered to be the father of modern photojournalism
HCB (classification), a Paralympic cycling classification
Hampshire Cricket Board, the governing body for all recreational cricket in the historic county of Hampshire
Hydrocarbonoclastic bacteria, a form of oil biodegrader
Hackbridge railway station, a railway station at Hackbridge in South London
Hamptons Collegiate Baseball, a summer baseball organization located in The Hamptons, New York
hahaha
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August 5th, 2014 at 4:03 pm
Oh dear God. Lol.
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August 5th, 2014 at 4:02 pm
Holy Cow Balls
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August 5th, 2014 at 4:10 pm
THAT MIGHT BE IT!
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August 5th, 2014 at 11:06 pm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HCB
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August 6th, 2014 at 7:27 am
HA! I doubt it. It’s some kind of curse, I know that much.
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August 6th, 2014 at 5:04 pm
Hire cabana boys. Even if it’s not what you meant, it’s still a pretty good idea.
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August 6th, 2014 at 6:09 pm
Hire cabana boys! Excellent.
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August 5th, 2014 at 3:24 pm
I think I love your kids. My five year old son is addicted to the word “literally”. I get to hear shit like “mom, my mario race car is literally green. LIterally, I mean it’s GREEN”.
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August 5th, 2014 at 3:31 pm
I love it when they become attached to a new word. Thing 2 likes literally as well, but he uses it wrong and it drives me crazy. “Mom, I am literally about to die of hunger.” Noooo, you’re literally not!
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August 5th, 2014 at 4:03 pm
Reading this is by far the best thing that’s happened to me today. And I’ve actually had a pretty good day. Jack keeps making fun of me for literally laughing out loud. He just doesn’t understand FFS HCB YRAFI.
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August 5th, 2014 at 4:05 pm
And now I see the “literally” comment above mine and feel like a jackass.
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August 5th, 2014 at 4:13 pm
NOOOOOO! You can be literally laughing. You just can’t be literally dying, unless, you know, you are. Crap. I’m an idiot.
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August 5th, 2014 at 4:14 pm
Hahaha, it’s happening again! Now Jack’s started to mimic me.
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August 5th, 2014 at 4:11 pm
Thanks so much. I sometimes wonder if these are only funny to me. So I’m glad to hear you are laughing!
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August 5th, 2014 at 4:05 pm
Thing 1 is sassy with a capital S.
Also I once found a note to myself that read, “Preach.” I don’t remember ever wanting to become a pastor, so I am really not sure what was going on.
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August 5th, 2014 at 4:11 pm
Preach it, Sister! Lol.
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August 5th, 2014 at 4:37 pm
I think “You don’t want sperm on your laptop” is definitely post worthy…even if you make something up.
The Things are funny.
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August 5th, 2014 at 4:38 pm
thanks needed that! lol
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August 5th, 2014 at 4:42 pm
You are so welcome! Thanks for commenting!
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August 5th, 2014 at 6:16 pm
That is just what I needed to start my day !!!! (OK my day started a while ago but seeing as none of my bosses want to give me what I need to continue with month end accounts, my day hasn’t really started yet !!!) Sadly there is only A and myself in the house and so nothing really funny gets said – except when he makes some lame joke and I’m not about to share those with anyone !!!!
Please thank your children for making me laugh !
Have a wonderful day !
Me xox
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August 5th, 2014 at 7:22 pm
Aw, thank you! You have a great day too!
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August 5th, 2014 at 7:12 pm
Hahaha these are awesome! I have whole posts dedicated to my crazy conversations with Anna. The only families that aren’t crazy are the ones you don’t know well enough yet : )
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August 5th, 2014 at 7:22 pm
Yes! I knew it wasn’t just us!
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August 5th, 2014 at 10:49 pm
I swear our families are related somehow.
Also, this is me taking a stab at translation of your notebook:
“For fuck’s sake. Holy Crap, Bitch. You’re a fucking idiot.”
You’re on your own about the sperm.
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August 6th, 2014 at 7:12 am
Hahahaha! That could be it! FFS and YRAFI I remember now that people have reminded me. HCB is still kind of a mystery – someone suggested Holy Cow Balls. I’m just not sure but definitely it starts with holy. And I do like Holy Crap, Bitch. lol.
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August 6th, 2014 at 8:14 am
I dunno. Holy Cow Balls has a nice ring. It’s completely against the laws of nature, too. I like that.
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August 6th, 2014 at 9:28 am
Sperm on the laptop is definitely a no-no.
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August 6th, 2014 at 9:30 am
Agreed.
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August 6th, 2014 at 10:23 am
So tempted to make this picture my screen saver but it would confuse my family…yep. Gonna do it
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August 6th, 2014 at 10:42 am
Bahahaha! Too funny.
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August 6th, 2014 at 11:09 am
This might count… Last night I was mostly asleep (drugged) when Josh got home from school. I had acquired a container of the best krab salad for my lunch today. When I heard him come in I rolled over and said, “if you eat my krab salad mother fucker I will cut you.”
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August 6th, 2014 at 11:20 am
HAHAHA! Yes, that counts.
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August 6th, 2014 at 11:22 am
Oh. Cool!
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August 6th, 2014 at 11:49 am
No pressure, Steph, but I KNOW there has to be a great story behind the “You don’t want sperm on your laptop,” and I want to hear it! Your mission (should you choose to accept it) is to contemplate “sperm on laptops” for 5-10 minutes before bed each night. Hopefully, you will dream about why you wrote that.
Now that I’M thinking of “sperm on laptops,” maybe I’LL have a dream about it! If so, I’ll share (I just had a dream last night where my soon-to-be ex-husband (who was inexplicably dressed in drag) was telling me that “Huge Hefner” had always had a thing for me. In my dream, I remember thinking, ‘Who the hell is HUGE Hefner? Some sort of PORN star? Why does a porn star have a thing for me? Should I be flattered?”)
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August 6th, 2014 at 12:14 pm
HAHAHA! Oh, Jana. Huge Hefner. I’ll try to remember to ponder that at night. Maybe I should write it down…this is like an endless loop of sperm on a laptop.
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August 11th, 2014 at 6:16 pm
So, my husband would kill me if he knew I posted this anywhere, but….
Friday he had a vasectomy and on the way home, while still loopy from the Valium they gave him he says:
“I can still smell where they cauterized my balls. Can you smell them? Can you smell my balls?”
To which I replied, “No and did you just hear yourself?”
And was promptly followed by my 3 1/2 year old, “I can smell them. I can smell your balls.”
LOL! Happy Monday!
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August 11th, 2014 at 7:15 pm
That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.
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